Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been

Where am I going, where have I been?

It feels like a dream, what I once was, and what you all once were.

The world looked so big, and stretched out forever and ever -

It used to take hours to drive into town, now it takes minutes.

But it was small, oh how close the world was back then. 

There were no states, or countries, or nations, or peoples, just us and me.

But I can't remember things right - I think back but things are different -

I'm taller, and everyone's older, and my voice is deeper.

Am I losing every memory once its made into just a reflection of now?

Mom, can you hear me? Sitting in the front seat of the car next to you, asking -

What does this button do? Is it fun to drive? I want to drive.

No I don't! I'm scared. How do I know who I am if I don't know who I was?

Where am I going, where have I been?

I am in a dream, aren't I? Linearity is a myth - there is no straight line; 

just a whole bunch of dots. But can I connect them?

Dad, we're shooting rockets in the field. I shake with excitement!

You tell me the physics of it - why it shoots in the air, why it comes down -

But mostly to stay back! Stay way back! And I have. Its dangerous, you say!

But I never believed you till now. Moments in time shoot forward, 

only to return - unrecognizable. Is this who I am? I don't recognize my face.

My life is like a clock, round and round and round and round -

I feel like I've been here before. A spiral - down, down, down to the ground - becoming what?

Do the moments ever cross? Do the dots ever meet?

Where am I going, where have I been?

Brothers, we play army men with little green soldiers - 

or should we call it argument, cause that's all we do. 

It doesn't matter though, I tell you, because I have a nuke -

That's not fair - I don't care! But mom hears our yelling and tells us to pick up;

but is that even possible? Can you clean up war, just like that?

Pick up the corpses and put them back in their place? We aren't finished, we tell her -

can we please play? We won't argue! But we will, and we did, and now mom's mad.

Are you, God? Can we stop this before its too late?

Is there really any real reason we're fighting? Did we disobey?

Can we just pick up the corpses and put them in their place?

Where are we going, where have we been?

My dear sister bossing us around. Boys! I need you to stop fighting!

You aren't my mom! I stick my tongue out at her!

You aren't my God, I rip the pages of your word.

But I love her so much, why am I so mean?

But I believe in Him - so much! How can I do such a thing? 

You came to me in a dream when the baby died.

Your hand on my shoulder told me to dream - I held on so tight!

Can you come to me now? Tell me what to dream? Because I don't know -

Where am I going, where have I been?

When my brother came in the mail, you came with him.

His brain was broken, but you were in his skin -

He had a hole in his heart where you pierced him,

and when they patched it up, they trapped you inside.

I knocked on his heart, and you opened -

But I'm scared that I slammed the door on your face,

because I didn't feel much faith when I started to change.

But I'm standing here now, and I've been here before -

with my foot in the door, but too scared to step in. Please tell me -

Where am I going, where have I been?

Reviews

[Inda]

this is a very raw piece, i get the feeling of maybe someone with dementia or some sort of memory/health related issue. then the other part of this seems to be about self exploration, but the general sense of confusion indicates a disconnect between the person's mind and reality. it is a very challenging piece, but i enjoyed it.

[PortraitsOfTheHeart]

Thanks a lot!

[CookieMisfit1969]

A slap of truth. There's always a point in life where we ask these questions. Sometimes we get answers, sometimes we don't. Life can be confusing and often, we find ourselves wandering on strange wilderness. Where am I going? Where have I been? You don't know where you're heading and when you look back, the wind has already erased your footsteps.

I love this piece! Keep up :)