Snapchat Confession

A Poem by Samuel

This is an excerpt from my fourth book “SAM”

*Bo Burnham’s Funny Feeling plays in the background*

“There it is, again
That funny feeling,
That funny feeling”

I slump under the desk and hit the space bar to stop the song.
I sit with my Alexa smart bulb,
pulsing an ever changing color of light.
I sigh.
I grab my bag of Wendy’s and drop it on my lap and curl up to get comfortable.
I hold a spoon in front of my mouth.

I guess you can call this a confession.
I don’t know what this is.

Sighs again.

“I’m lost.
And I want to vent,
But I don’t want to just type a paragraph to hope someone will look at my problems.
I want to be honest with myself for once.
But I can’t look at you, so I’m going to stare into this light and talk.
And yes, I’m using a spoon as a microphone.
And no, I’m not sponsored by Wendy’s.
I’m just tired and hungry.
You know when, you want someone so much.
And you begin to do anything you can to make that person happy,
Because they make you happy.
And when you get to have that person.
It’s always disappointment.
But I’m still chasing her.”

I nervously giggle and brush my hand through my hair.

“I’m fine though.
I just can’t seem to learn.
I’m in pain underneath.
But if I learn to ignore it while I’m with her.
I can survive it.
Is it worth it?
I think the brutally honest reason I can’t let go of her.
Is because of adoption.
I’m going through a lot involving my adoption right now.
Don’t get me wrong, getting to talk to my birth family is amazing.
But this is the scariest situation I’ve ever had to face.
And all I can do to acknowledge it,
Is to joke about it.
Because I don’t know what is going to happen.
I don’t know if these people will stay in my life,
If the relationships are going to work out,
Or if they’ll fall apart.
And this girl.
I’ve lost her before,
And she came back.
I don’t know if she’s going to stay.
If she is going to stay in my life,
If it’s going to work out.
Or if it’s going to be like the last time.
Where she gets to use me and get last laugh when’s done with me.
Leaving me alone again.
And the thing is, I would still do every single thing I can to keep them around.
I would obsess about making them happy,
in hopes that they won’t leave.
I’ll end up wishing that person would come back again.
I’m like a puppy looking at their amazing owner.
And I can’t escape it.
Just like I can’t escape being adopted.
So I just have to face it.
Fully come to terms with these facts,
And play the cards I was dealt,
So I can overcome them.”

Sorry guys, didn’t mean for this Snapchat to get this dark.