Time will Tell

A Story by Sam.s.

One of the hardest days of MY life, turns into the one i see a new side of my mother.

It seemed just like a normal day. The windows open a breeze swishes in making the curtains sway and the sound of chimes tingle through the air. Kids outside riding their bikes filled with laughter and fun. The sun was out and shinning the wind softly flowing by to say hello. It seemed like a normal day, but sadly it wasn’t.

I ran up the stairs trying to wake my mom she never seems to want to get up. She moans or grunts her response, I know she’s still sleeping and won’t be getting up. I rush her to get ready frustrated that she is making us late. Her grief and sadness mixed with anger shows plainly on her face. She doesn’t want comfort she just wants to be alone in her own solitude, so I leave her be. I grab my baby my one and only love thus far, my dog Goose. This dog is older than me to many people surprise, he’s blind and deaf but acts like a pup. He’s the man of the house the king, he gets the royal treatment and we don’t mind giving it to him.

His face makes you smile with his beautiful light blue cataract eyes and funky hair. He loves to snuggle with you, digging his nose in to the blanket popping up with every movement you make. We give him anything and everything without hesitation he is the love of our lives our little baby boy. He makes you laugh with every look he gives you, you can’t help but love him he is the perfect dog.

I hold him in my arms as we drive he snuggles against my neck giving me one last hug. His bones seem to stretch out as though only a thin flap of skin hides his skeleton. The look in his eyes makes me uncertain of my decision. My mom a blank slate focuses on the road trying hard to mask her feelings and emotions.

I sit there as if I am a rock, the rock everyone believes I am. I stand firm and handle everything with ease, no emotion no heart. My mom thinks I don’t care that I am hollow inside. I am but a child hiding inside my outer adult. I am a child who needed her mother on the worst day of her life, but I am a rock. She didn’t care or ask she just wallowed in the car by herself leaving me to be alone to handle this huge thing. I was a little scared girl who needed her mother’s love and support, but only got an empty space next to me and a flow of emotions.

We got to the animal hospital my mother to upset to go inside so I head in alone with my baby Goose. Wrapped in his favorite fluffy pink blanket we head into a back room where they tell me what they are planning on doing and what might happen. I hold strong I feel fine no emotions show or feelings, I wonder if I am really the rock people think I am. They put an IV in Gooses little leg and go over what could happen as they give him the medicine, they ask if I am ready. I nod my head and they give him the drugs, I pet his head as he drifts of to sleep. This is when my emotions spiral out of control and I begin to cry, it finally hits me and I can’t stop crying. I am alone no one there to hold me and tell me everything will be alright, my mother was nowhere to be found and I began to hate her for it.

After we put Goose down and made arrangements for his body, my mom needed to shop to mask he pain. I just wanted to go home and reflect everything to be alone for a bit, but my mom wanted to shop so we did. She made a remark saying,

“I bet you didn’t even cry.”

I couldn’t believe that, she made me seem as though I had no heart or I didn’t care. I loved that dog more than anything in the world and she hit me hard with that assumption. When we got home the house became normal as though nothing happened. His presence still remained in the house giving an allusion that he’s still alive. The days go by and not a tear come from my face not a feeling or a thought about it. I just seemed to push it out of my mind so I could face the next thing I had to do.

I am dropped off at school on Saturday and everything seems fine and I go on with my usually routine. It’s not until early Monday morning at about 2am when a Facebook post I made on the tragic day about my dogs euthanization hit me hard. My grandma sent me a message saying she was sorry and sent me love and that I would see him again one day in heaven. This message made me remember all the good times I had with my dog and the emotions hit me hard. Curled up in my bed clutching my stuffed dog crying into my pillows. Just wanting to be comforted and loved, but in that moment I realized I didn’t have anyone who I could call to help me through this.

In that moment I thought about my mom and that I needed her, but I became angry because she wasn’t their when I needed her. I needed my mother but she wasn’t their one time I needed her to be there she wasn’t and she let me fall. I don’t know if I could ever forgive her, for letting me deal with this traumatic event alone.

I am not a rock, I am a child forced to grow up before her time. I am a kid who needed her mother to hold me and give me love. How can I forgive you when you let me fall, how can I live with knowing you left me alone to watch him die. I am not sure if I could ever see you in the same way again. I guess time will tell.