The Price That Must Be Paid

Canzone

My body lies convulsing on the floor

Surrendering had never been a choice

I cannot do this living anymore

Especially because I have no voice 

My flesh now does reflect the souls design 

Ribs jutting, stomach caving, rejecting

What I thought was supposed to be mine

My bones are bare; nothing worth protecting 

I cant tell if the puddle where I lay 

Is blood or vomit or tears

But I suppose it doesn't matter now

There is always a price; I had to pay

This time around. I go out with a bow.

Reviews

[Brielle Cartny]

This is so tragic. Often in our lives we come to a place where everything seems to be tinted dark and we feel we lack worth, but our worth can only be discovered in time. There are beautiful moments. This little piece made me feel a lot in even the few words it was. Keep up the good work

[Brad Dehler]

This is a real vivid account of how you feel and thusly easily relatable. The struggle seems to be that of just living and all the push and pulls along the way. (It may also be after a night of quaffing.) Life pulling our life forces from us!

[emipoemi]

The first four lines are beautiful - utter perfection. And their gutwrenching tone...well wrenches my gut, because I have been feeling the same way for the longest time (when you posted this and even now). But suddenly, you stray from the iambs and get a bit sloppy with words landing on the wrong sylLAble. It does kind of work on a musicality level, however, since the majority of the lines are in perfect iambs, the straying into loose musicality mars the flow, because it's not particularly clear at first read how you would want readers to recite those lines. I see what you're trying to do, and applaud you for the attempt, but the way you've done it is not working, because the way you've done is pretty much equivalent of performing counterpoint with just one voice/instrument, which is impossible. This is powerful, this is profound, and this is beautiful, and deserves the perfect execution that you have the evident capability of accomplishing. Great start!

[cloud]

What a sinister and dark end to what appears to be a troubled life. This is haunting to read.

[Etta Beasley]

I could visualize everything in my head.. powerful message here Sammyrae! The ending is terrific as well "This time around. I go out with a bow." Nailed it :)

[AaronFreitas]

This is a deep, dark write filled with tons of emotion, passion and powerful words. I loved it... really good story you told. Great imagery also :)