Chapter 1-Obsession part 2

This is piece carrying on from my first entry. please read my first entry to understand what is going on :)

2019

By then the entire world had prepared itself for the nuclear war. World War Three was in its infancy when people began taking cover in underground bunkers. No one knew which country started the confrontation and no one knew who ended it. Towns, Cities and whole countries were flattened, killing  99% of the world’s population. 

When the little that was left of humanity emerged from their hiding places, society was forced back into a more simpler age. No electricity, no internet, no transportation.

Survivors created settlements that eventually developed into villages and later cities. Human kind was set back a few hundred years. People relied on agriculture, living off of surviving livestock.

Sadly no one knew if there were any other survivors. With no means of communication, all they had was each other. The village of past New York was the largest of its kind. It was there where the first hole was spotted and the suicides began.

 

“I can’t believe he did it again, it’s like he leaves his brain in his room whenever he leaves the house “Yeah but give him some slack, he never really recovered after Graham-“

“I know.”

Levi couldn't possibly open his eyes, his head throbbed too much for that. But he could definitely hear them.  The voices belonged to his two best friends, Parker and Lily. Lily was the one person in the village that cared way too much for him. He didn't mind that, after all he would need someone to do that since his parents were both dead. Levi lived with Lilly and her mother. A small cement house with two bedrooms a kitchen and a bathroom. Not much, but he could call it home. Parker travelled from the bunker under what was left of Chicago with his parents. When he arrived at the NY village Levi and Lily helped them settle in. They've been friends ever since.

Another voice entered the room. A deeper voice, further away from where Levi was lying.

“He won’t be walking without these for a while after he wakes up” The man held up two home-made crutches and tossed them in Parker’s direction.

Parker caught both crutches in one hand and sighed.

“There was nothing else I could do, if I didn't use my whip to hold onto him, he wouldn't be here right now.”

Lily softly held Levi’s hand and watched him breathe.

“It’s OK Park, you’re right, he’s here and that’s all that matters.”

The man left and closed the door. Levi had guessed that they were in some recovery room in the centre of the village. He tried to open his mouth but it ended up twitching instead of opening. Finally his eyes opened into thin slits. He saw Lily’s thin freckled face staring down at him. Her straight blonde hair tickled his ear but he still couldn't move much to stop it.

“Parker! Look he’s awake.”

Now he saw Parker, a tall masculine silhouette with dark hair. His eyes beamed down at Levi and he smiled. Parker often smiled at everyone, being the sprightly person that he was, but this was one of his legitimate “Thank-you-God” smiles.

“Buddy! I'm so glad you decided to open your eyes. I'm sorry about your head, I couldn't help it. When my pal jumps I save him, remember?”

“You idiot!” suddenly there was only one welcoming face looking down at him. Lily frowned in anger, then realized that frowning causes lines and stopped.

“You got me so worried! You don’t even want to know how much trouble you are going to be in when my mom gets home.”

 “ Come to my place, I will protect you.” Parker mouthed behind Lily’s back. “Seriously”

Levi gave a faint chuckle at his friend but stopped immediately because of his excruciating headache.  

Author's Note

please correct my grammar or use of phrases, I love getting criticism.
Hope you enjoy it!
Sam

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Sam,

This chapter has some promise. There is some natural dialogue and the descriptions are pretty well written. I have 3 suggestions for improvement.

1) This chapter does not really have a plot. It is unclear where exactly it starts, but besides Levi waking up, the story does not advance. Also the relationships between the characters do not evolve. So I think to call this 'a chapter' is a bit early. It needs something more and I can sense that there is more coming, so bring it on!

2) The opening lines are a bit of an apocalyptic cliché. But I guess this is somewhat unavoidable if you are going to write a story like this. An option to avoid this could be to leave behind the possible reason for Apocalypse. Because your readers have read them a million times by now, and lovers of this genre will have something to remark on everything you mention here. (For example: nuclear bombs do not flatten entire cities, 70% of the world's population lives in rural areas, how could they live on livestock after a nuclear war, when it would contaminate all animals that eat grass, live in the sea, etc., etc.. To prevent those know-it-alls downgrading your story or dismissing it as unrealistic after two sentences, you could settle for something like: "Apocalypse/a virus/whatever wiped out 99% of the human race." Since you do not (yet?) refer to the events that caused this in the rest of your writing, I guess in this story it doesn't really matter what caused it and will result in your story being more to the point.

3) "Sadly no one knew if there were any other survivors." -> other than whom? By the fact that villages and cities were forming, I gather that in any case all these people knew there were other survivors. You get my point, this sentence is confusing.

I hope this will help to improve your story and most of all that you will write more of it.

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Maja]

Corrections:

... society was forced back into a [simpler] age... [Humankind] was set back a few hundred years... living [off] surviving livestock.

... whenever he leaves the house["]

Levi lived with [Lily] and her mother [in a] small cement house with two bedrooms a kitchen and a bathroom. [It was] not much, but he could call it home. Parker [traveled] from the bunker...

Another voice entered the room[;] a deeper voice, further away from where Levi was lying.

“He won’t be walking without these for a while after he wakes up[,]” the man held up two home-made crutches and tossed them in Parker’s direction.

“There was nothing else I could do, if I [hadn't used] my whip to hold onto him, he wouldn't be here right now.”

“It’s OK Park, you’re right[.] He’s here and that’s all that matters.”

“Parker! Look[,] he’s awake.”

Parker mouthed behind Lily’s back. “Seriously[.]”


I hope you understood them :)) I shall wait for the next chapter! I like that Parker guy haha. I shall wait for the next chapter! :)