the deadiest spar

this was originally a different poem called 'the delicious dance' about the unexpected moment of reciprication. then in the editiing process it became harder, edgier and gutsier. how do u think they compare?

i hold you

in my mind

like the sky holds rain

before winter arrives

and you are delicious surprise

like a fist to the eye

your name

‘traitor’

 

i unwrap

in twilight seconds

Elizabethan lips

coal eyes

the felt tip line of your skin

savoured by sweat

your calves hum with movement

swung by burning shoulders

intoxicated

 

we circle each other

on the pavement, two fighters

lunging with our eyes

gasping at the arms

unwilling to give up the center

the taunts of this dance

unravel the weaker sex

explode into cry

faker

 

your scent wins

like a twisted neck

the look you give back

finishing me

my breath weaves into oblivion

escapes my chest

knife of your stare

stabs, twists and holds

for one more second

than was absolutely necessary.

Winner.

Author's Note

the original:

the delicious dance

i hold you
in my mind
like the sky holds rain
before winter arrives
and you are delicious surprise
seasons in the making

i unwrap you
in seconds
Elizabethan lips
coal eyes
like the darkest of promises
the savouring of glances

we circle each other
two fighters
unwilling to give up the center
a delicious dance
where nothing is chance

the move that finishes me
boring into darkest skin
my breath escapes
as you look back
for one more second
than was absolutely necessary.

Reviews

[emmajoy]

If I had a choice, which I don't - it's your post... I'd opt for the original. Somehow it seems to say more, though differently in certain places, though there are fewer words and lines Somehow it flows more smoothly, naturally, maybe the metre is more regular. Having said that, I think both are very fine pieces of writing, putting across a message in a very controlled yet pictorial manner.

'i unwrap you
in seconds
Elizabethan lips
coal eyes
like the darkest of promises
the savouring of glances'

Thank you for sharing.

[Emily B]

The second is better than the first, but just by a little. Daring, teasing, flaunting, wanting, touching, holding, sweating, loving relations begin and end just like these words. It's what's in the middle that counts. Each word as masterful as one of your brush strokes. I'm glad to be reading you here.