first & final warning

be afraid... very afraid... lol

 

beware:

objects & stationary

left to their own devices.

 

by all means be

untidy, messy, creative, spacious,

functional, anal, use anti-bacterial

wipes & sprays or use nothing

& piss it up against the wall.

but for goodness sake

use yourself

to occasionally upset the balance:

move things around, create space,

get really obscure, get high on air

or just high, use your feet to create

catchments, use your hands to eliminate

corruption, use your nose to create a cup

of coffee (or tea, if that’s to your liking)

throw away your coasters and make

several stains, the landlords can

afford it!

 

just be aware that the following objects

left to themselves take your absence par-

ticularly bad for no apparent reason:

books (particularly fiction – crime novels

& anything with more than 3 in a series),

CD’s & DVD, anything of value (watches, iPods)

laundry and of course perishables. I can’t stress

it enough – lamps and shades, have a habit

of self-combusting with loneliness!

pay particular attention to those on standby;

alarm clocks, certificates of participation

which of course leads to resumes and

deeds, letter openers, cutlery and guns.

 

be less aware of anything biodegradable

such as files and paper, coupons and

signed memorabilia, already browning

with acid free paper.

 

objects left to themselves

will appear dishevelled in their lack

of purpose, are quiet through necessity

the type that the neighbours will later remark

‘they were so nice and quiet… kept to themselves…’

but are prone to making small shrines of you,

create pantheons of demigods after you,

bloom DNA in dark cupboards

& snigger with intent.

 

so keep score. look after them –

if only out of fear and for the safety

and well being of your family.

tell your younglings to keep

their ears open. tell your wife to

start wearing underwear. tell your brother

to keep his mouth shut. and if,

Joey’s your uncle

tell him he better watch out

because the f****r had it coming!

Author's Note

just for fun :)

Reviews

[emmajoy]

I love this ... laughed all through it, mainly cos it reads like my place can be!

What a great piece of writing, there's humour, truth, great phrases, fine lines running thoughout it.

Thanks so much for sharing.

[Rachael]

i seriously loved this.... especially this bit:
...are prone to making small shrines of you,
create pantheons of demigods after you,
bloom DNA in dark cupboards
& snigger with intent.
hee hee it gave me a funny picture in my head.