Failed Heartbeats

An apology from an eighteen year old girl, to a boy she should have loved.

Failed Heartbeats

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday, December 29, 2008 at 10:31pm

 

 

 

 

-Jared

 

 

 

 

There are so many things I'd like to tell you. So many things I have to say, but they're all trapped here inside my head. I cannot let the words of failure tumble out; let them roll off my tongue in waves of disappointment. I know you would want me to let you in, to tell you all my darkest secrets, but I'm not ready for that. I don't think I ever will be. It's not that I don't trust you, or love you. Honestly, it's that I don't trust myself. I can't let my own walls down, not because you aren't fighting through them but because I can't allow my heart to be on my sleeves. I allowed it to make a home there once before and all I found was a torn sleeve and slashed heart. I'm saying what you're never supposed to say. It's about me. I can't allow you in, and I can't let myself out. I'm stuck here, lost in this one spot. I can live with that, for now. I know that once I let myself out from behind the walls I've built that have grown so tall you won't be around. I can't expect you to wait for that day; in fact I'm willing to admit that you have already moved on. Distance- it's not for you. I don't mean that you're in school in New York and I'm back at home. I mean the distance that my heart is from yours. Someone once told me that it was the most exciting feeling to have someone with an opposite heart beat from yours beat against you. They we're wrong. My heart beats for something else. Perhaps it is loneliness. Perhaps my heart beats for longing. I could never say that my heart doesn't beat with you in mind, because it does. My heart beats in a different way, it beats for solitary loss, and solitary gain. I'm not a wild spirit, but my soul needs to run free. For now, there is no room in my heart for anyone but who it's always beat for; myself. I need to run my mind, and body on its own. Even though you’re gone, and the imprint you left on my bed has long reformed I will apologize for the loss of feeling I caused you, or myself. Perhaps I apologize to you in a selfish way; in fact, I know it's a selfish way. I am once again, just out for solitary gain. I'm easing the pain I feel from behind my walls built up so tall. One day when my walls are torn down and I'm ready to let someone in I'll long for you and the way I let you go. This should have become serious, but I, in my selfishness let go. I allowed your hand to slip from mine and I cannot blame the miles we are apart, but opposition of our heart beats- and how mine can now, and may always beat for its owner alone.

 

Love,
Sam

Author's Note

Polite editing, comments, and feedback is always welcome and appreciated.