11 - A Letter To A Lost Father

Nadia is struggling, dealing with thoughts of her father. Her sister is pushing her away and she needs to find a release. Brock tells her to write a letter and get her feelings out in the open

Nadia sat on a barrel of hay twiddling her thumbs as she watched Brock haggle their way onto a ride to Cathair. It had only been one night since Brock had agreed to come with them but Nadia already felt more secure and safe, she didn't know why but she felt like she could trust him. However she had been distracted for the last couple of days, her mind was elsewhere. Thoughts of her father kept creeping in, she had been trying to keep them out for so long. She was so fixed on trying to make her father proud that she had never let herself grieve properly.
"Come on girls!" The sound of Brock's voice broke her line of thought "Pick up the bags, we are staying in the back of the cart with the pigs, sorry it's the best I could do"
He patted Nadia's shoulder as she climbed in the back of this cart. She looked round at her home for the next four days, they were not going to be her best days. The cart smelt awful, the smell of sewage was unavoidable in this place. The noise was unbearable with each pig snorting at the others. She thought that they probably wondered who the hell were this lot climbing in.
Sophia was introducing herself to their drivers for the journey, Nickolas and Clara Spade. A nice married couple who had been running the trade route between Muint and Cathair for two decades.
"It's alright, it's not uncommon for people to ask for a lift, with the taxi carts being so pricey these days" Nickolas told Sophia.
Nickolas Spade was also a short fat gentleman like Brock but the similarities stopped there. Nickolas' face was scrunched and his eyes were tiny, you could barely tell which way he was looking. His dark brown hair came down to his shoulders. His clothes were tight fitting and the bottom of his cream trousers were caked in mud, his dark blue top couldn't hide the bright stains on it. He was a well off man but his clothes didn't show it, it was obviously the wife who spent the money. Clara Spade was a foot taller than her husband and wore a beautiful long vivid sky blue dress that dragged behind her as she walked. Her long golden hair was as straight as could be and dropped down to her waistline. She was a gentle soul who didn't talk much and she believed in old fashioned traditional values. Both of their children lived in Paciadan now with their own families, they had both married outside their own race and Clara didn't like this.
"I thank you very much for giving us this ride, it is a great help. I am sorry that we don't have much money but hopefully our aunt in Cathair will pay you a bit more" Sophia spoke as she shook both their hands.
"Oh don't worry about that young madam" Nickolas insisted "You just worry about keeping warm on the journey, it might get a little chilly back there. I hope you girls can pull your own weight. We might not accept coin but we do need help when it comes to dinner"
Nickolas patted her head before turning and climbing up onto the front of the cart. Sophia raised an eyebrow to Clara, she did not appreciate being treated like a young child.
Clara whispered "Don't mind him, just go and make yourself comfortable back there"
Sophia walked round to the back of the cart as Clara climbed up to join her husband. She had made it up two steps before her dress left the ground. Sophia peered around the corner and saw the other three already inside. Tommy had made himself a nice sleeping hole between two pigs, he looked warm and seemed to be right at home here. Nadia was curled up in the opposite corner trying to pull hay onto herself with the help of Brock. Sophia climbed in and closed the gate behind her as she felt the cart rock into action and their four day journey with the pigs began.

The first day went by quickly, midday turning into dusk and dusk turning into night. They stopped for a dinner of rabbit stew, using two rabbits that Brock had caught from an hour of hunting. It wasn't a lot but it was something. Nadia, her sister and her friend had been gorging on Brock's larder for the past day or two. Tonight was their first challenge since they were rescued by him. Nadia hardly ate anything and went back to the pigs as soon as she could get away. She lay in the centre with the five pigs scattered round her, snorting away. She stared out the hole in the top of the cart at the starry night sky. They sparkled like diamonds and she wondered if her father was looking down on her.
They all drifted off to sleep that night after a reasonable evening and some good conversation with Clara and Nickolas. Midway through Nadia woke up screaming, shouting at the top of her voice "No don't leave!" It sparked everyone into life.
Sophia looked at her sister, grunted and hissed "Shut up Nadia, go back to sleep, stop with your stupid nightmares" She wasn't very sympathetic.
Brock moved closer to Nadia and whispered to her softly "Here, have some of my mint water, it will help you sleep" He pulled out a jar from his bag and handed it to Nadia.
Her eyes were filled with tears and her breathing was heavy. She looked over at her older sister who was facing the other way and felt distraught and sad. 'Are you not supposed to protect me' She thought. Brock ushered her back to sleep and stayed closer this time.
When Nadia woke the next morning her sister was already out of bed. She sat up to see her talking with Nickolas. Nadia wasn't sure what to do, she saw Brock standing on his own, resting against a tree, casually munching on a red apple he had found for some morning energy. Nadia strolled towards him slowly, trying to work out what she was going to say.
Brock spoke first "Good morning Miss Boarwood and how are you feeling today? Did the mint water help?"
"Yes it did thank you" Nadia replied, folding her arms in front of her.
"I told you it would" He looked at Nadia with caring eyes and asked "What's wrong Nadia?"
The 15 year old was shy and nervous but decided straight talking was the only way she was going to get any answers "Brock, how did you feel when your father died?"
Brock was caught a little off guard with the question and puffed when he heard it. He took a moment and composed himself.
"Ummm... Well my father was not a very healthy man, I didn't know him very well even though we lived in the same house"
"How did you cope when he died?" Nadia quickly interjected.
"Are you having your thoughts about your father?" Brock asked.
She nodded gently, she looked like she was trying to hide within herself.
"Did you have a nightmare about the day he died?" He sounded almost pitiful.
Nadia turned away and almost shouted but quietly "Don't talk to me like a child!"
Brock held up his hands "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I apologise, it was wrong of me to talk to you like that...." Brock lowered his head "Would you like me to tell you something that helped me" Nadia turned round as he spoke "Because I couldn't talk to him after he died, I decided to write him a letter. Once I finished, I threw it off a bridge just outside a little village on the outskirts of the city and I still believe to this very day that he managed to read it somehow. Maybe that is something that could help you. Allow yourself to grieve Nadia, it's healthier than keeping it all in"
Nadia knew he was right, took a moment and thought to herself, she looked at Brock "Have you got any writing paper and graphite?"
Brock smiled "Of course I do"

That afternoon when they stopped to give the horses a break Nadia walked off into the light forest that surrounded them, she sat among the deep green moss that covered the forest floor and leant up against one of the tall trees. It's trunk was a light brown colour with burgundy veins running through it. Brock had told her that this was the life force of the forest, each tree was connected to the others by underground tracks of these veins. She liked that idea, trees talking to each other, she had a little giggle to herself as she settled. She had told Brock that she was going to write off and she followed his orders of staying within sight of the cart.
For a few minutes while staring blankly at the page, she fiddled with the graphite in her hand, wondering about what to write. She didn't even know where to start but as soon as her fingers hit the paper the words just seemed to flow.

Dear Father
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be writing. Part of me thought that I would have lots of things prepared to write but now my mind is just blank, I am having dreams of my final day with you. I can still remember running back and forth between you and mother trying to find the best place to hide. So much noise, it was deafening. You kept pushing me away but I just wanted to be with you. I now understand that you wanted to keep me safe. I love you more every day that I get to wake up to because I know it is because of you. You gave your life so Mother, Sophia and I could live. Mother has joined you now, I am sure you have found her already. I keep thinking of you and mum together, holding hands and being close like when I was younger. I would give anything to have those days back.
I have to admit Father that I have hated you so much over the last six years. I still think that you should have stayed with us, we could have all gone together and now I am sitting here alone, hiding from a sister who doesn't love me, I wish she could open her eyes. I know she misses you too but she is trying to be an adult when she has never let herself be a kid. She feels it too, she feels like you left us. You abandoned us when we needed you most, left us all alone, mother was never quite the same once you were gone. I just dove into books, thinking that would make you happy. All I ever want to do is make you proud, but I don't even know how to do that any more.....

The page was ripped from her hands, the graphite flew and bounced off the nearby tree. Sophia was standing above her.
"What on earth are you doing? What is this?" She gazed at the piece of paper in front of her.
Nadia got up quickly like a jackrabbit and tried to grab it from her sisters clutches but she couldn't quite reach it.
Sophia began to read out, laughing "Dear Father.... So much noise, it was deafening..." She was mocking her sister, teasing her childishly ".... Would give anything to have those days back.... Hiding from a sister who doesn't love me"
She stopped in her tracks as she read those words. Nadia was still trying to fight her way round her sister, screaming at her.
"Give it back! Give it back! It's not yours!"
Brock ran over when he heard the commotion "What is going on over here? Both of you explain yourself"
Nadia huffed and puffed "She stole the letter that I was trying to write to father"
Sophia had been standing still, looking down at the floor for half a minute. Nadia seized her chance and ripped the paper from her grasp.
"Come on you two, you are the only family that you have left. You have to stick together, more now than ever. You two have never meant more to each other than you do in this moment. There will always be time when your love for each other is tested but family means that that love will never falter. No matter what tragedies befall you in your lives. You will always be there for each other through thick and thin, through bone and ash" Brock's eyes were flickering back and forth between the two of them "Any kind of love should never be for a day or a night or even a whole season, it should be forever and yours is"
As Brock finished Sophia moved off back towards the cart, her head was still held low and she dragged her feet.
The rest of the day no one said a word to each other, Tommy was silent as usual and Sophia and Nadia actively avoided eye contact, each looking out a separate window. The cart eventually stopped for dinner in the absent evening sun. Brock had watched the girls all afternoon and he was going to pick his moment well.
"You two" He said, pointing at the two sisters "Go off and collect some firewood for the fire, but don't stray too far, I want you within my sight, you never know what you might find this woods" As he pondered on his last words, he looked round at the dark trees. The only source of light were the dancing fire nymphs that scattered themselves over the river nearby, they skated across it like ice. It was a beautiful image but a suspicious one, the nymphs were a mischievous creature who liked to cause trouble where they could.
Sophia and Nadia ventured out together, the only sound that could be heard between them was the rustle of the leaves in the wind. At night the burgundy veins on the trees glowed faintly. It was a wondrous sight that only a few get to see. Nadia felt comfortable here but not with her sister.
As Nadia bent down to pick up a small bit of kindling Sophia recited "Hiding from a sister who doesn't love me" Her voice broke as she spoke "Do you really think that I don't love you?" She dropped the small logs she was carrying, they made a shattering sound with the floor.
Nadia looked up at her sister with red cheeks of embarrassment "You were not meant to see that"
Sophia's voice made her sound like she was about to burst into tears "How could you possibly write such a thing?"
Nadia was quick with her answer "Lately I feel like you have been pushing me away, not thinking about my feelings and just shouting at me"
Sophia turned away, not wanting to believe her sisters words "I'm sorry....."
Nadia paused, waiting for her sister to say more, she didn't have to wait long.
"I have been struggling with mother's death. I now feel like all the pressure is on me, making decisions for us, trying to keep us both alive"
Nadia reached out a hand and rested it on Sophia's shoulder "You don't have to carry the burden for the both of us. I am stronger than you think. We are family, like Brock said. We share our burdens"
"But you're just a kid"
"No I am not!" Nadia spat the words out "And stop treating me like one. You might find that you are surprised by the person you find if you look at me properly"
Sophia turned round and looked at her sister. She was standing tall and proud, stretching her chest out, trying to look bolder, it didn't really help her since she was small. Sophia grinned at her.
"You are probably right. I don't give you enough credit. It was your decision to bring Tommy along and he has been wonderful. It was your choice to go see Aunt Shayla in Cathair. It's more like I am following the path you are leading"
"That is my point Sophia. You need to think about yourself, your own path. You say you are struggling with mother's death but I don't think you have ever thought about father"
"I have... The thoughts I have are not good memories like yours. You were always his favourite. You did everything the way he wanted, became what he wanted us to become" Sophia swung her arms round in frustration, finally getting things off her chest.
"Why have you never told me this?"
"Because I wanted to stay strong for you and mum, I didn't want you to see that I was weak"
"Part of being strong is about showing your weaknesses to other people and letting them help you be strong when you're not"
Sophia grinned at her sister again "When did you become so smart"
Nadia smiled back "When I decided to stick my head in a book"
"Talking of books I have always wondered. What is that book you read before bed every night?"
"It's The Legend Of The Seven Crystals. A book that father gave me when I was younger. He told me that if anyone could figure out the mystery then I could" Nadia smiled again, thinking of the memory.
"You know I saw the book that you left on the table back at the house. You had bookmarked a page with 'King Yunoki' written on it"
Nadia became shy again "I thought he might be dad's killer" looking at the floor.
Sophia decided to tell her sister the truth "He is not dad's killer. Mother told me that the beast that killed our father is called Gorgon"
"What? Why didn't you tell me?" Nadia questioned.
"Because I didn't think you needed to know. Now I realise that I was wrong. You are much stronger person than I think sister. I do love you. Very much. I would give anything to keep you safe and I promise that I will always try my hardest to ensure you are safe"
Without delay, Nadia jumped forward two feet and wrapped her arms tight around her older sister "I love you too sis"
Sophia smiled and just sank her head into her sister neck and held her tight, she didn't want to let go.