How To Write A Process Paper

A Story by Sam

Supposed to be funny, hopefully my writing has improved since this.

How to Write a Process Paper

Many students throughout this noble country have been given the same terrifying assignment, to write a process paper for English class. Now that may, at first, seem like a daunting task that may never be accomplished. However, there is no need to fear, for there is a way to successfully write a good process paper.

Step One: Attempt to Listen to Your Teacher While She is Explaining the Assignment

While it is always advisable to listen while your teacher is talking, I realize that at times listening to your teacher is like shoving needles through your eardrums. I have found that while this can be painful, it is even harder to write an essay when you don’t know what your teacher wants.

Step Two: At 9:00 the Night Before the Paper is Due, Suddenly Remember All About the Paper

Procrastination is not anything I condone, but I must admit that I do it myself from time to time. As long as you do, in fact, remember your essay, you are in good shape.

Step Three: Stare at a Blank Piece of Paper for an Hour

One of the, if not the most, important elements to a process paper is the topic that you are writing your paper about. This may be the hardest part of the writing process. If you cannot figure out anything that you know how to do to explain in your process paper, you can always fall back on the completely unoriginal idea of writing a paper on how to write a paper.

Step Four: Take Twenty Minutes Figuring Out How to Start Your Paper

This may be the second hardest part of writing an essay. The introduction is what will grab your audience and start your paper out right. If your paper does not have a good beginning, the whole essay will be written poorly.

Step Five: Spend the Next Three Hours Writing Your Paper

You may spend three hours telling yourself that you are writing your paper, while you are actually watching TV, talking on the phone, surfing the internet, and most importantly, checking your Myspace. Hopefully you will get a little writing done.

Step Six: Stay Up Until 2:00 in the Morning Finishing Your Paper

At about midnight you start to work diligently. By about two o’ clock you are very drowsy. You finally decide to go to bed and finish your paper in the morning.

Step Seven: Spend Your Morning Classes Actually Finishing Your Paper

No matter how late you stay up, chances are you will not finish your paper. So, you should spend your morning classes doing this work. If English is one of your morning classes then you should get up at 5:30 in the morning to finish your paper before school.

Step Eight: Get Angry with Your Teacher When You Get a “C” on Your Paper

You will, naturally, be quite upset with your C grade. However, instead of taking responsibility for your grade, you will blame your teacher. No matter how much you complain about this injustice, your grade will not be changed. Just give up.

Step Nine: Tell Yourself You Will Never Put Off an Assignment Again

By the time your exhaustion sets in you will be telling yourself you will never put off an assignment again. You will make yourself a solemn vow, which you will naturally break next week.