Dear Uncle Gil,

Dear Gil,

       I just got the call from Nana, and words seem uncapable of explaining the emotions that have overcome me. I know that you weren't feeling right, and you felt like there was no other choice. But, there were so many things I wanted to say to while I was forced to stay away. I will never be able to tell you how much you meant to me all these years as we both went through hell. And I just wish that you would've called me, or something. I don't know anymore. I don't know if there is a heaven, and if there was, I've always wondered why that wonderful god they talked about never came to save us. And it's always been made worse with Dad telling us that we weren't worth saving. But I don't care what they say, you are and will always be worth it. So in these letters, I will continue our lives in the only way I can. I will write you a letter and burn it. I can only hope that my words reach you.

     Life seems more empty now. And I wish you were here. I've been crying until I've no more tears left to shed. And it hurts, with a pain that doesn't seem real. I never thought anything would hurt as this does. I think this must've been how you felt, before you decided to end your life. I want you to understand that I will forgive you. But it will take time. I didn't want you to leave, you were so important to me. And I will never forget the way you would brighten my day with a smile. All day I have thought about the ways you have changed my life for the better, and it troubles me that I was never able to repay the favor. I never got to tell you what an impact you had on my life. As screwed up as it is and was and always will be. You are my inspiration.

     You get going, even with all the odds against you. And I admire you for you strength. But even the strongest people crumble. And as I look at the bigger picture, I realize that you were only a shell. There wasn't much left inside to hold. Nothing to support that strong shell. And evetually you caved in on yourself. Just another way we are alike. It breaks me to think that I sat next to you all those times and never noticed. All those times you probably thought of putting that noose around your neck. Until, it finally happened. For three days no one noticed. But don't let that upset you, because you are important. You just didn't pick the right people. But, in a way I am glad you did, or I would never have met you.

     It makes me smile to think of you and our fond memories in that stupid house. And I suddenly wish there was a replay button, so I could enjoy it again. Just one more bowl of Top Ramen soup. Just one more level on that crappy game system. One more episode of Spongebob. One more Easter, and you helping me find the gold egg with $20 in it. One more hug. One last time to say goodbye. But it is useless to to dwell on these things. So I'm going to remember these memories every day, and use them so I don't repeat my familie's mistakes. It would make your death worthless. And I will never let it happen.

     I thought I would remind you of my favorite memory with you. It also taught me the most about life I'd ever learned in one sitting.

     "More? Oh! Dang it! You got me." ,Uncle Gil said with a wide grin. "Haha, umm... No, I'm good." ,I replied fixated on our game. The argument in the adjacent room echoed into the game room. We shifted uncomfortably. I asked a question that had been on my mind for a long time. "Gil, if you didn't have to come here, would you still do it?" He looked at me with that glazed look that always came over his eyes when he thought of the life we were forced to live. "Don't worry Jazzy, everything will be over soon. Everything always works out in the end." I thought about this, but at the age of seven, I couldn't quite comprehend it. School seemed to last forever. The month, weeks, and days seemed to pass by so slowly.

     In an effort to explain this, he pulled out a piece of candy. It was hard and strawberry flavored. He said, "Don't chew on it and we will time it. See how long it lasts." He popped one in his mouth at the same time as me, pulled out his phone and watched the clock. I watched intently at the timer, fascinated by how fast the time was flying. He tied back his long black hair. At two minutes and thirty six seconds, my candy had disappeared. Ten seconds later, his had disappeared as well.

     He said, "See, nothing lasts forever. And the sweetest things always seem to go the fastest. When you eat your vegetables, it takes forever to finish them, right?" I nod my head passionately and he laughs. "So, you gotta enjoy those sweet things while they last. And you still taste it on your tongue, right? The taste is still there?" I nod again, but feel confused not sure where he is going with this. "You'll lose that taste eventually, but when you hold onto it to long, it doesn't taste good anymore, does it?" I shake my head in distaste. He stopped short, I assumed he was thinking. I gave him a hug, because that was the only thing that I knew how to do to make someone feel better. But it didn't work this time.

     "Jasmine, please don't ever become like your daddy. He doesn't mean to be mean, but sometimes he can't help it. You are a beautiful person, and you are gonna do great things no matter what anyone like your daddy tells you. Don't listen to them. Because if you do, you will start to believe them. Just grow up, and trust what your heart tells you. Uncle Gil didn't trust his heart. You gotta trust your heart. Because when your world is evil, it is the only thing that won't lie to you."

     I've never forgotten those words, and live by them everyday. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the people who do love me. Like you. I'm glad you stayed long enough to love me. Thanks Gil. Until next time. Captain Jazzy-out...