A Letter I Wish I Had The Courage To Send

A story about love lost and the unspoken pain it leaves behind.

I do like you. I never stopped liking you, dear. Even when you’re already with someone else and completely ignores me, I have always liked you. And I never even know the reason why I do. You had two girlfriends after you left me, is that the right term? Or should i say, when you wiped me off your memory? You don’t know how much that hurt me. One day you were telling me you love me and I was so happy. (Was it improper to say that? If so, then forget that i have said that. You are good at forgetting anyway.) Then, the next week, or was that the next day?, you magically had a girlfriend. If I may add, a girlfriend who is one of my friends, who knows that I do like you. I don’t even know who I should be mad at, her or you. I told her everything, you know. I told her that though I think that I am too young, I do like you and that there’s that thought at the back of my mind to say yes to you. Here’s what’s worse, she even told me that I should tell you that. She was even urging me to you.

 

Who would have known, right? How would I have perceived that she would be your first girlfriend? Which should have been me, dear. That hurt me more than anything at the time. But worse things came. I see you everyday cuddling with each other, being as sweet as you could get in front of me. In front of my face. That hurts me. But you didn’t really care, did you? Whenever I hear you call out to her, ingat or good morning or whatever pet name you gave her. It hurts me. I love you. You even said that to her, you may not be aware of this dear, but I was there. And I was hurting so much, it was becoming harder and harder to remain standing there and fight the tears.

 

You were unaware of that, weren’t you? Because you never cared. You never noticed because you never cared. You never liked me, you just liked how I look or the idea of me. When I ceased to be the most beautiful girl there, when I was no longer the girl that everyone liked, you forgot about me. Off to the next beautiful, popular girl. I think you even regretted that you ever liked me. That hurt too. But you know, it certainly made me something. It made me stronger. It made me see that Shakespeare was wise to have said that “Young men’s love then lies not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.” You proved that to me. If not for you, I forever would have tried to wonder about the truth to that. So, thank you for making it a no-brainer.

 

Wait. If you want to feel better, stop reading now. The next part is hard to admit. I am contemplating whether I should say this or not. I do not want your pity. I just want you to understand, dear. Though you may think otherwise, I do not even want you to feel bad. It just comes with it, you know. I’m sorry if you are feeling bad. If you’re not, f**k you. Stop reading right now and throw this down the garbage can or put it in flames or something.

 

If you’re still reading this, that means you do feel sorry. And you know what, i do forgive you. I had forgiven you a long time ago. Thank her for this one. I saw that you really liked each other. It was instant attraction between the two of you. I know love when I see it and you know what? I like love when I see it. In fact, I love love however it appeared, or should I say, to whoever it appeared.

 

The day I found out you liked her, I was with her, in a friend’s house, for a group project. She was giddy when she told us everything. I was stunned. I was hurting once again. I had buried that feeling, you know. I did my hardest to forget that worst feeling, yet there it was again. I feel like it was mocking me, you know. Like, here I am again, I will never leave you, you’ll forever feel this way. I felt like I was going out of my mind. How could this happen? Twice? It was too much. Then came the day word came out. You’re with her. She’s with you. Everybody’s talking about it and I would dread every minute I had to spend at school listening to them say how happy they were for both of you, while trying so hard to push back the tears and maintain a straight face. The first days, I couldn’t even smile but I learned to multitask, pushing back tears, maintaining a straight face and faking a smile. Those were hard days to me, you know. I learned then, that I was a very good actress. Nobody knew how much I am hurting during those days, they thought it was just the flu. I also learned that I can be very creative, I make up excuses all those times that I was not able to attend class. I wasn’t really sick, not physically. Those were just days when I couldn’t take it anymore. Days when I need a break from acting in my little play.

 

Is your head spinning now, dear? If so, I’m sorry. I would not even be able to send this and I don’t know why I’m bothering to write this. It just feels right. Maybe someday, I will be able to send this and you would understand. Maybe I won’t be able to. Maybe I’ll let my bestfriend read this, she deserves to know, she is my bestfriend after all. Maybe this will be locked in here forever. I do not really know where this will end up in. But despite the uncertainty, I am writing this. It just feels good to let it all out. It’s exhilarating. All this had been stucked here in my mind for so long, its gathering dust, haha, but now I can finally let it go. If you think about it, when you read this, we can have a clean slate. I would have nothing to hide to anybody anymore. That thought is what gives me the will to punch these letters.

 

It’s sad that now, when I can finally, in all honesty and with a genuine smile on my face,say that I am happy for both of you, it doesn’t apply anymore. I lost my chance, it almost feels unfair.

 

I miss you, dear. I miss you now and I missed you everyday. The day that you left was the saddest day but I couldn’t really show that, can I? So, I put a smile on my face as I say goodbye while you’re with someone else that should’ve been me. And that makes it worse. And I don’t know how i managed to live through that day. But I did. It even hurts me when you e-mail everybody else except me. It hurts me when you asked her to come visit you there. It hurts me to hear you have a “best” that I do not even know of. You used to tell me everything. It hurts me to think of you knowing that you do not even remember me. It hurts me to miss you knowing that you are missing somebody else. It hurts me to know that you had a life I was not a part of. I wanted so badly to be a part of your life again, dear. I don’t care what role I play, I just want to be in the script again.

 

Do you understand now how I feel? I hope so.

 

 

            Not knowing how to sign a letter I could never send,

I think it best to leave it blank.

Reviews

[living lavender]

the last two lines. broke my heart.
"Not knowing how to sign a letter I could never send,
I think it best to leave it blank."

stumbled upon this piece. read it. felt it. processed it.
no regrets. thank you for sharing such a letter.
(poetically somber. unforgivingly sorrowful.}