Goliath Wins

A reflection on things most heinous.

 I make every move with either deadly purpose or a complete disregard for consequence whenever I do- anything I guess. I try a little of everything on anything and I get further and farther from where I want to be. I can get an education or a job and I can make my mom happy but probably not and I can make a girl happy but only one even if we're talking about two different genres of happiness and I can make words but it's only a matter of time before my purpose is discovered and I'm seen for what I am- terrified. I think I may be subconsciously sacrificing myself, my life, the things that I do in order to understand the things around me better. I see beauty and I see happy and I see love, in the trees and the grass and the faces of people who haven't lost hope but I soak up sadness in a way that is almost enjoyable. Melancholy is unfamiliar and while I would never purposefully subject myself to it or pretend that it is in me I can't help but notice a thrill in breaking down the situation and reasoning that led me to the feeling. I can be broken down, convinced I have lost whatever game I think I'm playing and in the back of my head I take pleasure in it. I relate to stories in film and fiction and the poets and authors that I love and I feel good about synthetic and temporary heartbreak. But like I said, I do not seek it and I do not want it. But it does make it easier- or it could just blind me. I could get so caught up in it that I might be missing some good when I think I know it all- or I could be blinded from a threat trying to take what I want from me.

David slung a rock at a giant, this defiant child who wouldn't see this happen to his family and friends bends his arm and takes back what he would have lost when in actuality his life is what their innocence would cost.