Rusted Strings

Another step backwards in an attempt to free myself from this self-imposed exile. i think i may have broken my sobriety in vain attempts to find a new reason to smile but all i keep stumbling upon are headlines from days past that continue to highlight all the things that have and continue to piss me off and i really want a f*****g cigarette and i've snapped my pen again to keep from writing down the thousand thoughts that spin through this restless mind in efforts to squelch these tendencies that have haunted me for more years than i care to count on these calloused and bleeding hands. i actually fixed that thing with six strings but can't bring myself to remember how to play because my head is still spinning from reading something as simple as "hello" even though it was written so many months ago. one word from her still makes me smile and cry and dream and die all over again, how long has it been? i wouldn't trade it for anything but this is where i am and i have everything i need and i still remember how to dream and if i could just get through this traffic jam of half-thoughts in my head then maybe my pen would start moving again and i just might get the point of this strange life story. i was convinced that i had learned to be content with contempt and was no longer depressed and could better handle the stress without some toxic influence but i believe tonight that i was mistaken and am missing out on something.  i think it's time to let it all out and start over again 'cause she's six feet tall and that accent is killing me and i know if i try i can still play that damn thing with rusted strings and if i stop holding my breath long enough i know i can still sing but i've got that itch again. sometimes what's best for me is what tears into me and the things that should kill me are what keep me breathing when i have to waste my days sorting through the lies and half-smiles. almost two years in one place and i still can't relax and i still can't figure out why it seems to me that i think so much differently than everyone around me and i'm getting bored and it's almost time to remind myself how this life of mine works' cause even with all these quirks i'm still level enough to know that if you want to chase your dreams, you can't sit still and wait for anything but i think this time around i might try to wait it out because i'm finally getting used to the rain and my ego won't fit through your noose and i promised myself that this time i wouldn't lose faith in this so-called human race that, at most times, i thoroughly despise. . .