Ender's Fear

Enemies everywhere
Imaginary and holographic
Invented by the one enemy that matters,
The enemy I could never predict.

I’m not my past,
The child lying in the dirt,
Blood streaming like tears
Bones cracking like twigs underfoot;

Was he the enemy then or was it me?

Humanity fighting
The enemy we can’t see
Strange monsters creeping;
If we don’t strike they’ll end us first.

Strip my humanity
Like an exoskeleton,
A second skin I cannot wear
As I command, I’m in control

Of everyone but me.

A look in the mirror,
A moment’s shock for
Now I see who the enemy was
All along: the enemy was inside me.

Can it be our fate,
To become the thing
Our nightmares are made of,
To become the thing we hate?

An identity held too long

A mask I can’t cast off
Will surely steal my face
As it dominates my psyche,
The fear they feel for me is real

That empathy replaced by fear of me
Becomes that much stronger instead,
Individual soul imprisoned in a tool
A builder for humanity, a monster in my right.

A monster without the right to cry.
No matter how he may break within,
He must be what he was made to be,
A monster made from human skin.

Author's Note

This is a little homage to the psychological struggles of Orson Scott Card's Ender Wiggin. Inspired by the recent release of the movie adaptation, Ender's Game (also, I've loved the book since I was in high school).

Reviews

[Sarai Lee]

Firstly, I love this book and the character of Ender. I too have loved it since high school, and it will always have a very special place in my heart. Secondly, I think you described his struggle very well! The images you use are striking and harsh, conjuring up the brutality that he was put through. I appreciate this homage to his pain. In the end he really was his own worst enemy, but he did have a much greater chance at redemption. I enjoyed this piece! Thank you for sharing it!

[Amanda Granger]

Thanks for the review, fellow Ender-lover! :D Coming from another fan, it's really great to hear you liked it. Ender's psychological trauma has always fascinated me, because in many ways I can relate to his fear of himself, of what he's capable of, of his dark side, and also of the monster that the teachers try to turn him into. It's such a profound book. Since watching the adaptation, I've been rereading it (the graphic novel and the book as well as Speaker for the Dead). His choice of taking responsibility and redeeming himself (even though what he did wasn't really his fault) is really inspiring to me too. Glad you enjoyed my little homage! :)

[Sarai Lee]

I can relate too, to the darker side! I can also relate to his struggle of being a child and yet carying the weight of the world. I think if you liked Ender's Game, then you should read the rest of the series (if you have not already). His redemption is so beautiful and inspiring in his later life. Thank you again for writing and sharing this!

[Amanda Granger]

I've read (and am currently re-reading) Speaker for the Dead, actually, but I've been dying to read the rest of the series! Think I will once I finish my re-read. Yeah, it's really indescribable, what he goes through with so much psychological pressure on him and still so young...but I agree, the beautiful moments in the series really set it apart. The writing is so great, and it's really been inspiring me to work on my own scifi story lately. And you have definitely inspired me to read Xenocide and Ender in Exile as well as the others once I get the chance. :D Thank you!