Who I Am

it’s unsettling, living as long as i have and realizing you’re a stranger to yourself.

who i used to be never imagined, even in the vast uncertainty of a future full of as much fear as excitement, that this would be who i am today. 


an accident leaving me physically disabled�"possibly; cancer�"maybe. 


there was no reason for a confident, popular kid to even consider it.

i’m not sure where that girl went�"if it was an imperceptible evaporation, unnoticed until it was too late or if it was cataclysmic, clearly severing my life into a stark reality of before and after. 


when “i’ and “me” now speaks of “her” and “she’. 


when, looking back, i can see the path, the road she traveled�"the sense it made.

and now, spinning on my heel I see only fog�"a mist, weighted with guilt, incessant questions of what i’ve done or what i’ll do and a heart so heavy it’s becoming too much to carry.

i worked today, as i do. 

people were out with stomach issues or complaining about world affairs. 

while i typed and answered questions with smiley emojis masking my incurable mind, i contemplated how easily i could step out of this life. i silently imagined their reactions. 

i wondered how many others sat at the end of a keyboard imagining the same thing.

 

this is who i am now. 

accepting that is tough. 

trying to manufacture a floating hope in a brain flooded with despair, exhausting you as you try, in vain, to cork the cracks.


it never stops. 


when you’re rallying, to make yourself get up and shower; when a friend wants a chat; when your dog needs to eat. 



i’m lazy? 

i just need to get outside?

try some exercise, you say? 

i’m sorry, i’m busy doing battle against myself in a war i was drafted into; grappling, trying to find my path or forge a new one as my mind drops bombs, lays traps and shoots rounds of friendly fire. 

i'm sorry.

this is who i am now.

Author's Note

Not a poet :) Just thoughts and feelings.