Chapter One: His Dark Supremacy

Chapter one of my book.

Chapter One: His Dark Supremacy

 

He was alive. At least, he thought he was alive. The last thing he remembered was being shot, and then falling, for what seemed an eternity. He had somehow appeared in a massive cavern, the walls, ceiling and floor of which were rust red. There was a stifling heat that covered the place, and random patches of fire flickered at different places along the floor.

The man called Nathan Jones stood up and felt for his wound. He touched nothing but healed skin. "What is this place?" he breathed.

Boom. The walls shook.

"H-hello?" he called.

BOOM. The walls shook again, harder this time.

"Where are you?" Nathan yelled.

BOOM!

One side of the cavern wall exploded, showering Nathan with bits of stone that cut deep into his flesh. He screamed as blood dripped from his body and hit the ground. As the smoke cleared, a baby crawled through the hole in the cavern wall, seeming undeterred by the sharp rocks. Nathan recognized the baby; his own daughter, Moira. Forgetting the pain, he stumbled towards her, unsure of what to do. When she reached him, Moira looked up and smiled, and stretched out her hands. Nathan picked her up and began to cuddle her, taking comfort in her warmth. He held her close to his ear.

Without warning, a spike jutted from the baby's breast and speared into his own. He gasped in pain and disbelief as one of his lungs was punctured. He wheezed for breath and felt the energy drain from his limbs, but he could not seem to fall to his knees. In horror, he looked down and saw that a brown discoloration had spread across his body, turning all but his head to stone. A voice whispered in his ear again, and this time he knew that it was his own baby speaking.

"You've been a very bad man, Nathan Jones," the baby said cheerfully. "Three murders in as many days! You're quite the busybody. I never did like busybodies."

"Who are you?" he howled, crying tears of mud.

"Why, I think you know me very well, Nathan Jones," said the baby, and this time, all cheerfulness was gone from its voice. "I'm the Devil."

As Nathan screamed again, the Devil finished his work and fully petrified him. He then retracted the spike and leapt off of Nathan, transforming into a young man with red hair and a black suit. He snapped his fingers, and two of his lieutenants appeared by his side, their angel's wings punctured and torn, their faces blackened and pitted. "Take him to burn," said the Devil, sneering at the man. The angels carried the frozen man away.

The Devil sat down and put his head in his hands.

 

***

 

"Next!" yelled the Devil.

 

The Devil sat on an ebony throne. He stared at another man that had suddenly appeared, this one bound to a simple wooden chair. This man, a rapist, had not been gagged, and thus was taking this opportunity to let off loud, keening wails of despair. The Devil watched for a minute, and then abruptly closed a gloved hand into a fist. The other man's screams were abruptly cut off.

"Now," said the Devil, "let's see what scares you the most, shall we?" The Devil rose from his throne and crossed to the man, pulling off his gloves as he did so. "I could do this without any physical interaction; I am the master down here, after all," he said conversationally, "but I guess I just have an unfortunate tendency to want to get my hands dirty." As he said that last word, his hands closed around his prisoner's throat.

The man's eyes bulged and his face grew purple. Blood vessels began to burst in his face and eyes, and trails of red trickled from his nose and ears. Finally the Devil let go and retreated to gauge the reaction. His prisoner wheezed for breath and coughed out another dark globule of blood. This rough treatment had seemingly revitalized the man, and with burning eyes, he rotated on the floor until the Devil could see his hands. With one of his bound hands, he made a rude gesture. The Devil frowned at the offending finger, and broke it with two of his own.

The man screamed in agony, but something told the Devil he had not yet reached this man's breaking point. Even after he had broken every one of his limbs, the fire still remained in his eyes. "Are you inhuman?" the Devil muttered. Finally, the Devil snapped his fingers, and a television screen appeared from nowhere. "Let's look at the pain and suffering you've caused, shall we?" The fire that had been in the man's eyes nearly gave out to a glazed look of horror.

A woman appeared on the screen, laying on the ground, still clutching the knife that had killed her rapist. The man stared at the weeping woman that was currently rocking back and forth, sliding the knife into some unseen object with every motion forward. She held in the other hand a phone, on which she was talking to a comforting policewoman. The woman looked utterly broken.

"Hmm," said the Devil, "who's she sticking? Let's get a better view." The "camera" rotated, and the rapist saw his own corpse, its last expression one of mingled shock and pain. The woman slid the knife into one of the man's eyes, and the rapist, in Hell, screamed. The television switched off, and the man dissolved into sobs. "Well, that was an entertaining little segment, wasn't it?" the Devil said cheerfully. He undid the ropes that bound the man and lifted him up, handing him to one of his lieutenants.

With a disgusted expression that he had hidden from the man until now, he said, "Take him to the lion pit. Let's see how he likes being eaten thirty times a day for the next eternity, shall we?" The angel nodded, and with a grimly amused look on his face, took the man off. The Devil sat on his throne once more, pinched the bridge of his nose as if to relieve some pressure, and then called out, "Next!"

Author's Note

I thought I did a really outstanding first chapter here. What about you?

Reviews

[Ashleigh]

My first thought when I read this was "Good. Rapists should go to Hell and have their bones gnawed on for eternity, the disgusting inhuman monsters," but personal thoughts aside, I thought this was quite good.

I'd still suggest indenting your paragraphs, seeing as how it can become confusing at times to distinguish one paragraph from the next even when you've skipped a line. Other than that, I didn't really find any glaring grammatical flaws.

This is probably just personal preference, but it seems to me like "the Devil" is more of a title than a personal name. Kind of like President Barack Obama, "President" is his title. It lets people know what his job is and what his rank is among society. Barack Obama is his personal name with which he identifies himself as. I think "the Devil" would have a personal name, too. The Devil has gone by many names in history, so you'll have a lot to choose from. Two of the most common are Hades and Lucifer. Lucifer was the Devil's name in the Bible, I believe, although I'm not Christian so I don't know for sure. I just think that although others may call him the Devil as his title, he should also have a personal name.

Just one other small thing; "The man called Nathan Jones stood up and felt for his wound." Saying "The man called" is a little redundant, because you've already introduced the character as a man and the readers should be able to make the connection between the man in the first few paragraphs and Nathan Jones. I would just take out "The man called" and change that sentence to "Nathan Jones stood up and felt for his wound."

Overall, nicely done. I have a weak stomach for this kind of thing, but I still think it is very good.

[Taylor H]

This was a very good first chapter. i really would like to read the rest
just 2 things
1. "H-hello?" he called.

BOOM. The walls shook again, harder this time.

"Coward!" Nathan yelled.

"You really shouldn't have said that," a voice whispered.

BOOM!

i dont get why he would randomly yell coward...i mean he seamed more scared then anything....yelling that jsut seamed brave..