Prey For Me Not Pray

A short story written as a goodbye letter.

Dear SATAN,

We can't do this again. I happen to actually f*****g love you immensely and desire more than anything in this world to be with you for the rest of my life. I mean real f*****g love and not the shallow hormone-influenced mirage kind. Clearly, you only wanted to get laid. 

Wish you had said that a few days ago. I wouldn't have been so willing to gash through the miles high of scabs ineptly attempting to mend my tattered heart for the past agonizing year. Quite the dramatic plot twist after being inseparable for 3 amazing years together without incident.

Can you begin to fathom it's been an entire year since you stood in my doorway about to leave when you lovingly requested I come to give you a kiss goodbye? You promised me you'll be back soon only for you to cease all contact till now. I can't help but wonder if you knew then, your merciless, albeit cowardly, exit strategy. 

Just weeks preluding this you swore I'd never be rid of you while I expressed my fear of dying alone. You knew the feelings and trust I had for you along with my traumatic past but you carelessly obliterated my very spirit when you chose to go back to your ex-wife. I wish I could be so lucky for you to reciprocate but alas, as with every other mother f*****g aspect of my pathetic life, I'm not enough again.

No friends, no family, no kids, and no partner in crime. I lost all my f*****g friends when you left me. Hell, my friends who I would die for make up bullshit stories about me to stop being my friend. I f*****g love the f**k out of       ! I f*****g miss the s**t out of him! I cherished our friendship and would never in a million years do what he's indefensibly christened me with but yet again, I'm forced to suffer the hot iron branding.

At 34 and previously divorced, I realized you are the first person I've ever been in real love with. Shocking to myself cause how the f**k do you know you personify the real definition of something until you do? It's impossible otherwise. I've never truly been 100% ride or die for ANYONE! The person you got didn't f*****g exist and doesn't f*****g exist outside of your presence. I have deep-seated abandonment issues clearly! Nearly every mother f****r I've held dear has done exactly that.

I think you're a f*****g idiot. Do you not f*****g see that we're f*****g perfect for each other?! Did you notice how we picked right back up without a hitch? A stranger couldn't have known that was our first meeting after the most cruel type of betrayal known in our lifetime. Yet, you'd rather be consumed with superficial, energy-draining garbage and childish games. For what?? For some shriveled-up gash who wouldn't know what love is or how incredible you are if it impaled her through the c**t. 

I've always hopped from relationship to relationship. After you, I couldn't bring myself to, though the opportunity is steadfast. I feel like an 80-year-old widow who is living with your ghost every day. I can't even bring myself to get rid of your clothes due to not wanting to let you go just yet. The day I can say no to the question of, would I take you back if you showed up at my door today is the day I'll be able to move on but I'm ride or die, right?

You're addicted to that crone's toxicity. This gives an explanation as to why you would rather waste all your time and energy on someone who wouldn't bat a lash at giving the thumbs up at your execution. While I sit here wasting the last of my moderately good looks and youthful years pining for another who wouldn't know real happiness if it slapped him in the face. 

I don't want to be haunted by the question of why I'm never good enough. Or by your memory bc, everything reminds me of you! Or haunted by the thought of enthusiasm to talk with you about whatever the f**k is happening at the time. It's painful and I just want the pain to stop but I can't take myself out either in fear my 3 children who don't think I'm good enough might suffer from it. Despite them hardly acknowledging my existence. WHY AM I EVEN F*****G HERE!!!

 

So thanks for popping in to remind me you'll never love me. Thanks for kicking me back down into the pit. I was so close to pulling myself out. 

How the f**k can I go back to living in black and white when you've shown me what it's like to live in color???!!!! I don't understand why you won't be with me or love me. It torments me! We're literally perfect for each other! It's purely f*****g tragic! This is s****y of me to say but I really do hope you regret this s**t one day.  You probably won't till you're old and gray, sitting in an empty and silent house with piles of electronics around you, alone and staring at the wall wondering why your ex-wife wanted nothing to do with you. Just know I would have never left your side and I hope you remember that. 

Sound familiar? It should. Your own father suffered that fate as you shared with me long ago. He, sitting by himself, surrounded by stacks and stacks of books that filled every crevice of his home he shared with no one. Fore his wife, your mother, wanted nothing to do with him for no reason at all. You're reliving your parents' past and it's actually kind of sad. I'd hoped more for you.

Please take care of yourself cause I'll still be worrying about you and if you ever come to your senses hit me up or show up at my door with button flowers like you did in July of 2020. 

I'll forever love you even though you wish I wouldn't. 

xoxo

-A

Author's Note

Have you experienced a loss like this just to foolishly revisit something that was already dead?

Constructive criticism is welcome. Praise as well, of course. Thank you for reading.