Trope

This is my first attempt at writing poetry. I wrote the for someone I was deeply in love with.

bit my tongue today

stifling oxytocin 

infused expressions 

By Cendré Sage

Author's Note

First poem I've written. What do you think?

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Cendré 😊
Welcome to the Café!

What do I think?
What I think is that you've presented a creative, well-struck Senryu … an excellent first try with spot-on line counts.
A few aspects to this Japanese form you might find interesting are that it is properly written completely free of capitalization and punctuation; typically, displayed centered, with no spaces between lines … still, you've made an exemplary first time effort.
Haiku pertains to Nature only, while Senryu always contains a human element.
I particularly enjoyed the original and creative ways you've expressed the near impossibility of fighting-off the urge to give-in to sensual arousal and the resulting words or gestures caused by that effort's effects. Intelligent, interesting, entertaining, and completely free of crassness, I love it!

I'd say you've composed a far better Senryu than most's on here.
Thanks, Cendré, for sharing such a brilliantly descriptive piece! ⁓ Richard🖌

PS:
You might find some of my Japanese forms interesting and educational to browse.
https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/2796172/

[Sage88]

Hi, Richard!

I apologize it has taken me so long to reply to your review. Thank you so much for kind words and constructive criticism. You have no idea how much I love what you wrote. I've read it several times.

Thank you so much for teaching me something I didn't know. I had looked up how to write a haiku before I wrote this poem. I must have grazed over the part about appropriate subject matter. I did read it's supposed to be written as if it's being said in one breath.

I'm so happy you understood the meaning behind it. I've alway been someone that's not confident with my writing. Sharing the little I have so far is the first time I've opened myself up in this manor. It's surprising to me that I've even got one good review.

The subject matter of this poem used to love my writing. He was often left speechless after reading anything I wrote. He gave me the courage to post here... Him and I are no longer together and weren't at the time of my posting. I just wish he could see this now.

Thank you so much again. I'll make sure to read your work when I have some more free time. I look forward to it!

[Sage88]

I forgot to mention, I believe I corrected the punctuation and capitalization errors. Please let me know if I missed something.

[Richard🖌]

Excellent edit, Cendré 🌾
Ya got it jussst right!

I, too, look forward to your visiting my pages … 'til then* ⁓ RJ

[Throwing Romeo]

Welcome to WC.
Rolled off the tongue
swell.
See you around 88.

[emmajoy]

Few but mighty words and concealed emotions. You will write on and on, create beauty and more, if-when you feel it.. and methinks you will! :) Take care and keep safe, Cendre

[JENNY]

Stifling Oxytocin is kinda innovative. Although it’s short but it’s deeper. I liked the poetry , good one.

[Chris]

It's the little things
that are unnoticed, ignored -
that haunt my midnights.

Your first line paused me with personal actions/reactions drifting behind my eyes. The second line - I felt needed more clarity. The final - was readily understood.

[Sage88]

I appreciate your detailed review.

I wrote this about someone who I was madly in love with not too long ago. Recently this person has become the past.

We dated for two years. Before I met him he went through a terrible divorce. As a result he held a lot back verbally. As in saying "I love you". I know he did but I also understood it wasn't good for me to pressure him in that area.

There were many many times my urge to blurt out "I love you" was beyond impossible to hold in. Many times I failed.

Biting my tongue. Referring to refraining from saying something I might regret.

Stifling oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone that makes us feel in love. So stifling oxytocin as in attempting to control it.
.
Infused expressions. Here's one area I have come up with many meanings. Initially the expression was "I love you" and the infusion was the oxytocin.

I initially wrote this as all three lines creating was one story. Since I've surprisingly discovered each line creates its own story individually. I've realized there is further depth beyond this explaination. Some of which can only be felt instead of verbalized.

[Chris]

The madly-in-love-with was always a given and the underlaying phenom of line one...

[Davidgeo]

Show me some pain.....

hurt yourself to make something no one else can take credit for writing.

It aint free, but you have it. Lets see how you pay

[Sage88]

I'm not positive I fully understand what you mean by your last line or maybe I need to go to bed. Lol


Here's the pain. Also written about same person.
https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Sage88/2836109/

[Sage88]

I have many more where those come from. I'm just now getting my toes wet.

[willweb]

I liked it, short but spoke loudly. Nice first one.

[Sage88]

Thank you very much.

[Brad Dehler]

Infused expressions. Interesting. Nice first shot at poetry! How did you feel about it? I like your simplified expression with more meaning beyond the words.

[Sage88]

Honestly, I kinda shocked myself. Not only did I write a poem but I chose to write a haiku. Which brought an extra challenge. Or maybe it wasn't much more of a challenge since I had a structure to follow.

I wrote this to mean one thing. However, I’ve since come to the realization that my poem has a lot more depth and layers. Which in itself shocked me some more. Ever time I read it I feel/see a extra layer or a new meaning.

I’d like to know at what “level” it could be placed at so to speak. More for a reference but I always challenge myself to do better. I just have no idea if it’s “just ok” or something else.

Like I feel like it’s really freaking good. Since I’m knew to writing poetry I’m not wanting to be overconfident.

I don’t want to be presumptuous.

[Brad Dehler]

That is awesome. Truly the power and magic of poetry at its finest. The hidden depths that take all of us, even the writer, inside. Thank you, I appreciate your honest commentary on yourself and the poem. Excellent