A SURPRISE

A SURPRISE

BY SADDAM HUSEN

 

Evening time;

Tea time with her,

Suddenly rain interrupted

Small drops start falling from sky

It was bonus for her

She likes rain very much

She looked at me as I was denied

But I know it very well.

 

I murmur softly in her ear;

‘It is for you, go for it.’

 

She happily ran out

First she took some drops on her palm

 Then she felt it on her face

With close eyes; she was making them special

Drops were rolling down slowly

Started from her face then neck, then down and down.

 

But it was surprise

When she looked other place

All the other court-road was dried.

 

Author's Note

‘It is for you, go for it.’

Reviews

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

A dreamy scene here with touches of joy.
I would love to see you add to this--maybe more emotion and reaction to the moment.
It is over too soon for me.
your first stanza is a perfect start to more.
The second builds the intrigue to more to come.
I think the ending stanza is where I want more intensity.

[Saddam]

Of course dear, Last was which I thinking also too but I was in hurry for post it (smile).... Thanks for reading. I'll update soon, can you please help me for making it?

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

I know the feeling--posting is fun--everyone wants to do it rapidly!
Your first stanza flow well, I like the second one with the quote, in the third one--Just my suggestion--put more feeling and emotion with the material already there(you may cut some)---but show us her feelings and emotions in reference to your subject(rain-why is it a gift to her?)
You can also add some of it in your ending stanza, and build on your title.
I hope this helps with your revision process.
:) cheers to you!

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

excuse my typos above :) "FLOWS"

[Saddam]

Thank you so much dear for your valuable suggestions, I must rethink the last stanza. Thank you dear, here I'm going to look at that. Keep eyes on my write, that will increase my skills.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Inspiring is what I strive for when I comment on this site. I like to see poets grow into the most they can be!
:)

[armin]

What a well created imaginary, romantic ,lovely scene.
Keep it up.

armin. ...

[Ronny]

I can see this beautiful girl in a bright summer dress dancing around.
Playful as a little girl but sensual as an adult.
Enjoyed reading this as it makes my imagination work :)

Thanks for sharing :)

[Harpreet kaur bajwara]

it was very nice . yaar aapne kitne achhe se likha hai it directly touches to heart

[Jamestown]

Very beautiful imagery, definitely could feel the happiness of the arriving rain!
Thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[Saddam]

Thanks man..........

[Roshan Nair]

Great write man! liked the emotions you had going there, crisp and beautiful. nice work! :)

[Saddam]

Thank you so much dear friend.

[anne]

OMG..its really beautiful dear...loved the lines, emotions, feel..:))

[Saddam]

Thank you so much dear. Glad you like it.

[Lyndy]

This is a creative and lovely poem! I like it! :)

[Saddam]

Thank you so much my sweet friend.

[stars are far]

wow that was very romantic, i loved it and your work is amazing :D
Keep on writing she will love it :)

[Saddam]

Thanks a lot dear...........

[stars are far]

always my pleasure :D

[Botania]

Hard to say which is better, dancing in the rain or having tea with someone special. Both are bliss!

[T. Adams]

"It was bonus for her
She likes rain very much" - I would implore you to rephrase this. Show us her love for the rain in her expression. Don't tell us, show us.