People with no home

Its a short story about an professional from a small Indian town.Typical situation for a small town Indian working outside

Hey! Let’s wait a wee bit longer she would be here anytime now" Rajat pleaded with his gang, to wait some more, just before their third abortive bid to board the bus to their college.

"Hey!! @#$@ we have already skipped two buses and now we are getting late. She is not coming today. “Let’s go" Vikas yelled at Rajat. Rajat was pleading with everyone while they were yelling and cursing him for forcing them to be late. They skipped buses one after another.

This was the daily scene at bus stop. Every other morning Rajat planned to propose Niharika. He used to hold everyone with him, while he waited for her at the bus stop where they boarded their bus for college.

 "Come’ on! I have already missed Chaudhary’s class for three days in a row including today. That old man is going to kill me next time he sees me" Akash was furious, while Vikas lit a cigarette and walked away from the bus silently. He had resigned to the fate and the fact that no one is budging from their place till Niharika comes.

After a wait for few minutes she arrived on the stop. Rajat turned red as he saw Niharika getting down from her "Rickshaw". The world around him ceased to exist in that moment.He was incessantly staring at her. He did not even realize that someone on bike was coming right behind Niharika . They both indulged in talking and laughing as she boarded down. Before Rajat could call everyone to be ready to board the bus which she would be taking, Niharika left the spot on the bike with that guy.

Rajat’s face changed. He looked back to his friends they were laughing their hearts out inside the small hotel in the corner of the bus station.

A sudden jerk woke Rajat up. He looked out the window, his taxi was entering the city now. Rajat worked in a big investment firm in a big Indian city and for most of the time he was out of country travelling places. He was returning home after a very long time.

With some efforts he was able to identify the roads and routes, but all of them seemed quite different now, he was amazed to see the drastic changes in the city. New flyovers showrooms, multiplexes, tall buildings all these things have changed the face of his small town.

"Sir! Are you new in here?” a sudden question from the taxi driver drawn Rajat from his thoughts he was lost in

"No! This is my home, my hometown I have lived my life here, but why do you ask?" Rajat answered the question with another question

"Oh! sorry sir you look a bit lost that’s why I asked. driver noticed Rajat`s disappointment he tried to explain himself.

“That`s fine actually I have come after longtime and it seems that lot has changed here. I am just looking around”.  Rajat said after a pause, while looking out. He was trying hard to look for the spots he frequented in his earlier days. Some of them were gone altogether replaced by something else.  Some of them were still there but they had changed so much that they appear new to him.

"Sir we have reached your destination." Rajat was again drifting in thoughts of days gone by and dizziness when he heard driver calling him."Oh sorry I think I napped again." he replied.

Rajat had not informed anyone at home that he was coming as he wanted to give them a surprise. He got down from the taxi and headed towards the gate "Sir Take my number and call me if you need the taxi" driver asked from behind. Rajat obliged.

“Are you New in here?”  Rajat was smiling over the silly question asked by the cab driver.

His mom opened the door after he rang door bell couple of times. "Oh!! Raju you!! Here!! Why did’nt you inform? I could have come to receive you with your father!! Oh beta! you are such a moron." she was gasping for breath, she couldn`t believe that Rajat was home after such a long time.

"Come` on in" she hugged Rajat for a long time and then pulled him inside.

Both of them talked for a while. Rajat was looking at her, she looked older. She had grown couple of more wrinkles on her face since he saw her last time.“Ok Beta go and freshen up.I will make Chole Puri for you, your favorite”. Mom asked Rajat after the long conversation about his life away from home.

Rajat was not able to sleep, he looked at the table clock besides his bed it was about 2 AM in the night. He was turning side thinking how everything he knew has changed. Even his home was drastically changed. He remembered his old simple bathroom and how he used to bath from a bucked filled with cold water. it was always the hardest to pour first mug of water on the body, Mom used to stand by the bathroom till she heard the sound of water splashing in the bathroom and if it took some time she use to yell "Raju!! Fast!! You have not even started yet, do it properly!! And no bath-cheating." He was smiling remembering his childhood days. Now the bathroom had a new shower with hot water, bath tub and other jazzy bathroom fittings were installed. Though he has discussed every details of interior with his dad before it was done, yet it all looked so unfamiliar to him. Somewhere inside his heart he was missing his old simple home which he was nostalgic about.

Three days had passed since he had arrived home and he was already bored. He had nowhere to go and nothing to do. After customary meeting few relatives and family friends he had no one else to even meet now. Most of his friends or others of his age group were gone. Everyone he inquired about was settled in one or the other cities away from home for their jobs or business.

Vikas had a family business so he did stay in the city but he was too busy to get hold of. He used to travel a lot to the near by areas for his work. He was never home when Rajat checked. Rajat was not able to meet him so far.Finally today Vikas managed to get some time out of his schedule specially to meet Rajat.

"Why here? Why can`t we go to our regular tapri at bus stop or to that old man`s small hotel near the railway lines where we use to have tea and smoke as the old days" Rajat asked Vikas while they were having a coffee in a big coffee shop.

"What`s wrong with this place they have a separate area for smoking as well" Vikas replied to Rajat and stood up to go to smoking zone.

"No Man this place is good but I just wanted to see those old places" Rajat said to Vikas as they move towards smoking zone.

"Bro!!Things have changed, we are grown ups now no one is going to complain at your home about your smoking and secondly there are no such places left. Old man you are talking about is dead, his son has taken over the business and his small hotel is converted into a big sweet shop. So chill and stay here". Vikas lit up two cigarettes at the same time with one match stick and offered one of them to Rajat who was smiling seeing Vikas doing his old trick.

Vikas had put on some weight but his energy was intact. Rajat told how he was feeling about all the changes that he observed. Vikas did not seem to have bothered about these changes. He was of the opinion that all these changes have happened for the betterment only.Even Rajat could`nt agree more with this just that he wanted to see town, how he remembered it.

“May be because I have always been part of this change which you were not, I am still connected to the City while you feel this discomfort and disconnect. You Left the town and town left you” he said.

Holidays were over. Rajat was on his way to airport. He was in the same cab with the same driver who had brought him home when he arrived. He was thinking about the moments when he left home this time. His Mom had lost her control over her emotions as usual. But strange was that his Dad who he has always seen as the toughest person on the earth could barely hold his tears. May be due to getting older it was now tougher for him to control his emotions. Rajat was quietly sitting on the back seat having mixed emotions.

”How was your trip sir? Driver asked after a short silent duration.

“Yeah It was a good trip” Rajat replied.

“Sorry Sir but you look worried are you OK?” Old man said to Rajat

“I Am fine just that I had a different expectation altogether”

“This city seems to have changed drastically. On every turn, I expect to see something but that thing never comes, it was gone or changed.”Rajat said with a deep breath.

“So what? What`s the big deal?  Things change. It’s the law of the nature. Isn`t it? ” Driver seemed concerned, Rajat was getting emotional now.

“Yes it’s not a big deal for most of the people but just try to understand the situation. Most of the time I am out of country and that’s not where I belong for sure. I am a foreigner there. The city I am settled in, the City I work in, that’s not my home either. There I am outsider from other part of country. Every time when I thought of home I thought of this town. I thought this town in a certain manner, with certain things, with certain people, with certain construct. But now I don’t find this town same way anymore. I don`t see it as my home anymore.” Rajat seemed to have exploded

“And this is not just me, there are a whole lots of us, we have been away from our homes for so long that our own parents look different people now. We are outsiders treated as guests in our own homes. We don’t belong to where we work, we don’t even belong to where we belonged to once. We are the people with no home” Rajat was smiling with tears in his eyes.

Reviews

[JayG]

• Hey! Let’s wait a wee bit longer she would be here anytime now" Rajat pleaded with his gang, to wait some more, just before their third abortive bid to board the bus to their college.

You're explaining the story to the reader as an outside observer. And at the same time you're thinking in terms of explanations. So you tell what he said. Then you explain what he said. Then you explain the situation.

But as a reader, do you really want to read the words of a storyteller you can neither see nor hear? Do you want to have the character’s actions explained? You don’t in film or stage plays. So why would it work in print? Wouldn't you rather be placed into the action and made to feel the protagonist is your avatar, not someone you're hearing about? Especially when it would be so simple to do.

Instead of saying "Hey," have him say, "Hey guys," One additional word and we know that there are multiple people involved. And we know it without you having to stop the action to explain that it's his "gang." In neither case do we know how big the group is.

Do we care how many buses they ignored? That they've been waiting, and the others don't want to, is what matters to set the scene. After all, you don't explain how long it was between buses, so the reader doesn't know how long it's been.

You say “the bus to their college,” which implies it’s the only one, not a bus that also has a stop there. And that needs to be addressed, too.

And why explain that he pleaded? Just have him say please. In fact, with a little creative combining and snipping you get something like:
- - - - - -
Hey guys,” Rajat said. “You know how I feel about Niharika. Give me a break and wait for the next bus. She’ll be here soon. Are you really in that much of a hurry to reach the university?”
- - - - - -
Look at the difference. In thirty-eight words we know he’s in love with the girl. We know he doesn’t want to (or can’t) ride with her without company. We know they’re on their way to school (presumably in the morning), and that they’ve been waiting, and that it happens often. In fact, the changed paragraph not only replaces the first paragraph but the third, too. So we have thirty-eight words in his viewpoint saying what took seventy-four in yours. And that means the story reads faster, which gives more impact.

So without the author appearing on stage, and in the viewpoint of the protagonist, we learn more than the original, and learn it from within the moment the protagonist calls now.

And that matters a great deal. When you tell the story as the narrator you focus on, and talk about, what YOU visualize happening. And you talk in summation. So you only mention that there’s someone else who takes her away. How does our protagonist feel about that? Were this a film we would know by his expression and body language. But we can’t see him and you didn’t say. So there’s no emotional involvement on the reader’s part. Does he care? We don’t learn. He was going to ask her to marry him. Did she seem like she wanted that? You don’t hint. Where did she go with the man? No idea. We don’t even know why she wasn’t picked up at her house, if she left school, or showed up the next morning. So, from a reader’s viewpoint, he wanted to ride to school on the same bus, but not with her, and didn’t. How entertaining is that?

But that aside, were you him, would the stranger be “a guy?” Hell no. You would note his age and dress, to judge if it was a relative or potential competition for her. You’d do a lot of things, driven that she matters to you. But as an outsider the narrator simply lists events, which is as fascinating as a history book. And how often do you buy history books to read as entertainment?

The short version: You’re using verbal storytelling techniques in a medium that supports neither sound nor picture. And that can’t work. You’re informing when you should be entertaining. Your reader doesn’t care what happens, except in that they cause him to react. And fair is fair. It is his story, so instead of making him the subject of a report, let the guy live the story in real-time, while we share his life.

My point is that in our school days we learn only nonfiction skills, to make us useful to future employers. We learn nothing of the profession of fiction writing, any more than we’re given the skills of writing for films or journalism.

Not good news, I know. But if you want to write like a pro you have to know what the pro knows. There is no way around that. And though people will tell you that writing will make you better, all it does is harden bad habits to concrete. And while reading fiction exposes us to the product. To create that product you need the process.

For a kind of overview, you might want to dig through my articles on writing fiction. But in the long run, you need to spend some time acquiring the writing skills the pros take for granted.

Some specifics:

• When someone asks a question, and you have a tag that informs us who they are, why tells us who replied? Isn’t that obvious?

Trim the excess. You’re often using five words for what can better be said in three. When, for example, you say, “his taxi was entering the city now,” what purpose does the word “now” serve?

When you say, “a sudden question from the taxi driver drawn Rajat from his thoughts he was lost in.” Why say, “His thoughts. Can he be thinking someone else? Do we care that he was thinking about something unknown. Would the story be different had he been scratching his crotch? No. The question was asked and he replied. What else do we need? And if the driver wasn’t speaking, and then he is, is that any more sudden than anyone speaking? The question might be unexpected, but not sudden. So all you really need for the tag is, “the taxi driver said.” If you want to make it a bit more literary, and show that he was lost in thought, let him SHOW that by responding with, “Hmm? Sorry, I was daydreaming. But to answer your question, no, this is my home….

• Remove the majority of the exclamation points. When someone asks you if you’re from the town do you shout the answer? No. In reality, how many times a day do you exclaim anything? In the average novel there are only a few bangs. So don’t sprinkle them on like salt, because the emotion belongs in the words, not the punctuation. And as an aside. After he says, “Why do you ask?” What possible reason is there for you to jump on stage and explain that he responded with a question?

• When you speak in English, in casual conversation, do you use contractions. If so, can your character do less and seem real?

Not good news, I know, especially when you were hoping to hear of a few necessary fixes, followed by, “But overall, it seems a great story idea.” But it’s not a matter of talent or potential. Nor is it a matter of good/bad writing. It’s that you need a few tricks-of-the-trade, and some background on how to shape a scene so as to pull the reader in and make them care. And that’s the learned part of our profession—no harder to master than the nonfiction tricks we learned in school.

There are lots of good books on fiction writing technique. My personal favorite is Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[PaintedBirdy]

hello Sachchit! i really enjoyed this story. thank you for sharing it. i too can relate with Rajat because the town i grew up in does not feel like home anymore to me because i've moved away several times and while i was gone my hometown had changed each time.

i also really like your use of English because it feels very authentic to the characters in the story, and because i've noticed that you wrote that you are an Indian living in Belgium so it seems like you are writing about personal experiences. my only suggestion is too keep writing about your experiences such as this. i really liked this story!

what it is like to leave your home and live somewhere else is a very important subject, and then to also feel like your home has changed is very important too. i think it is something many people experience. wonderful story! i hope you keep writing and sharing!

[Octavia]

I identify with Rajat very much. I have moved a lot in my life and have tried to come home again. It never works. You always have that lingering feeling of not belonging in any place. I really like this idea/topic and feel it is worthy of exploration. And a few of your lines I really connected with - such as "You Left the town and town left you" and "We don’t belong to where we work, we don’t even belong to where we belonged to once. We are the people with no home."

I would really love to see this feeling slowly build rather than come right out of the gate. I want to experience this emotion *with* him but I just can't quite seem to do so. I feel like you could have gotten this message across a little more subtly.

My advice is always "show, don't tell." You're starting to do that (by having scenes with his friend and his parents) but I didn't feel immersed in them yet.

For this issue, I suggest trying to write in the first person. And make sure when you do that you are speaking as the character, not as yourself. Really try to BECOME them and see the world from their perspective. This allows you to character build, as well as keeps you focused on the here and now since the character can only talk about what they are thinking at that moment.

I did see some issues with grammar, especially contractions and dialog, but I feel like you will get better on this with time.

Practice, practice, practice! You will get better! I do highly recommend reading a lot to get good examples. Patrick Rothfus is a fantastic writer if you enjoy fantasy and want to see amazing storytelling.

I hope this review helps!

[Sachchit Sharma]

Thanks Jay for this detailed review. Will definitely fo through your blogs and learn