Not A Good Person

When I have a bad day my mind will always stray. It usually picks one subject where it decides to stay. This piece is an example of how my dark days have turned darker and tough times have become harder. My mind is more of a mess when that used to be less. So this topic is one of many I had to address. Once it's written down I will go back to rebuilding my wall and act like I don't think negatively at all. The ending means the beginning of pretending and hoping I'll be forgetting everything that sounds so depressing. So the topic for today is going to be a little dark but pure. Writing isn't a cure but it might just help. I can't explain it very well but I have moments where I dwell on the essence of myself. Specifically if there is a presence of goodness within me. I know there is but I question if I'm a good person overall. I thought about it a lot and the answer is I think I'm not. It's something I've tried to deny but it's time to describe my views about why. 

I'm unsure if the good that I do is truly coming from me and not because society told me to. Even when it does people might still not follow through of course. But it does make me wonder, what is the real source? Is it actually the goodness within me or because it's what people expect to see? Making someone happy is what I do gladly. Giving you a smile or buying a gift helps me lift any of my own bad feelings that exist. It seems I do it for you but I think it's for my own sake too. It might make me look good in your eyes and that's where the message lies. Maybe my goodness is connected to its perception and that makes it feel like deception. What I mean is maybe all that matters is how we're seen. This is exactly the point behind this confession and why I question if my good side is real. It might sound crazy but it's how I feel. And I bet your view about me might change and make more sense too when you think it through. 

Whoever I meet wouldn't define me as the type of girl whose sweet. I'm usually nice to you that's true but being sweet is not really something I do. It might seem that way but I'd say it's just an illusion. I'm not a bad person, but not a good one either. I feel like I'm a deceiver and simply good at turning you into a believer when actually I'm just a pretender. I know I could be so much better. I f**k things up and dealing with me can be a hassle. If you're close enough you can see my ongoing inner battle. But I can fake it until I make it so nobody knows. And I feel like that's when my phony goodness shows. I will pay attention to your views. I will listen when you have bad news. I will help you decide when you can't choose. It might seem like I put myself in your shoes but in reality I'm selfish. I relate everything to my own situation. I take your feelings and make them my own. It might seem like I step into your zone but I actually don't. It feels like I use others as a diversion from my own burden. As if such an immersion is an excursion away from my own bad day. I could claim I care but with all this in mind is that fair to say? 

Loving unconditionally is another thing. It's something I don't believe in. Or put differently, I don't think I have that ability. I can't give my love if I'm not getting it back. I can't give my love if there is no respect. It's extreme to say that my love is something you have to earn but I do expect something in return. I can't do it if it's a one-way street. If that's the case I can't give you my heart or even a single beat. The fact that this is even something I admit makes me a bad person already doesn't it? It proves that for being good is something I'm unfit. Obviously this statement lacks nuance and precision but it's an introduction to the core of my vision. 

Thinking like this is a slippery slope with a downward spiral. It opens doors to feelings I thought I had removed. Upon arrival I already know my mental survival is doomed. It's an invisible wound which lately has me consumed. It has made me discover things about myself I rather have kept on a dusty, untouched shelf. In sum, it's a realization I don't know how to come back from. It's an example of how I lost the sight to not see things so black and white. I read too much between the lines and all the chaos in my mind f***s me up sometimes. In my eyes the fact I even have this thought says a lot and to summarize, a truly good person I am not. Now that's said and done it's time to move on. I say this, but secretly I don't believe that I can for one bit. I wish I'd never hear that negative inside voice but that isn't my choice. This type of thinking will come and go but what I hate to admit is knowing this will never quit. I guess that's a part of life but I'm still trying to figure out a way to live with it. 

Author's Note

It's a very long piece I don't expect anyone to read really. I wrote it more for myself and to organize my messy mind, which (looking at the length) is a difficult process as you can see haha. If you do read it I applaud you and by all means let me know what you thought!

Reviews

[Franky]

You are humble and introspective, but hard on yourself -and unnecessarily so. I think you need to talk to an unjudgemental friend. That might help you to sort things out with that feedback.

Do you think others are superior somehow....I think not. You seem like a good person to me. 😀😀

[Lala]

First of all, thank you for actually taking the time to read this long a*s piece. Not many people do so it's very much appreciated! You don't even know me yet your words sound very truthful and correct. Thank you for thinking I'm a good person too haha ♥

[Franky]

No problem! Is there another write of yours that you would like a review on? I'd be happy to.