Silver Lining

Sometimes there's a reason for your pain. That doesn't make it suck any less.

On days like today, it feels like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win, not when my own mind attacks me again and again, bringing me to my knees and viciously assaulting me from inside my own head. I wonder what it feels like to have thoughts that don't point out my every flaw and inadequacy and, when there are none to point out, create weaknesses and failures, poisonous lies that I can't help but believe.

Anxiety is a terrible, terrible thing, turning even my own thoughts against me and casting me into a self-inflicted sea of hopelessness and despair. Sometimes I can drown out the seemingly incessant criticisms, pull myself out of the pit of self-pity and hatred they push me into, but other times the screams consume my every thought, tearing me apart and bringing me to tears. 

You see, anxiety isn't only being afraid or worried about seemingly stupid or insignificant things, it's losing control of your own mind, unable to use logic to reign in your racing, panic-stricken thoughts. You know that there's nothing to be worried about, no reason to be freaked out or scared, but you are and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The anxiety takes over, shutting off your ability to deal with things logically, your ability to function like a rational person. 

I often wish that I wasn't plagued by these poisonous thoughts that tear me apart, that I wasn't terrified by the most ridiculous things- making phone calls, being late, raising my hand to ask a question in class, ordering food at a restaurant- but I am, and as much as I abhor my anxiety, it has shaped me into the person I am today. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as insecure as I am now, but I also wouldn't be as strong or as compassionate either. My anxiety has shown me that anyone could be dealing with their own internal demons and has helped me to be empathetic and understanding. And although it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy, I know that God has used my anxiety to mold me into a better, kinder person, a person who is more willing to except shortcomings in others and to encourage those in crisis. It's a demon I will most likely fight for the rest of my life, but at least I know I'm not alone and that the fight is worth it.