Drowning

Sand fills your lungs and an elephant sits on your chest, a buzz rings in your ears and and a lump swells in your throat. Your mind races, but it's like a car stuck in the mud, going nowhere. You frantically try to calm your sporadic breathing, your racing heartbeat, desperately trying to regain any kind of control, but it remains just out of reach. All of your attempts to calm yourself down are useless and you realize there's nothing you can do but ride the wave of panic until it dissipates. You feel it overtaking you and you fight with every bit of strength you have to keep your head above water, but it quickly saps your energy and you are pulled under. Your fear of drowning in this raging sea of panic only gives it fuel. You wonder if a physical pain could be enough to end this unbearable mental agony. If you could only hit hard enough, cut deep enough, would that be enough to stop this? You rock back and forth, unable to stop for fear of falling apart and never being able to pull yourself back together again. You've been here before, but that doesn't make this any less hellish. You try to scream, but all that comes out are strangled sobs. Your breathing devolves into a series of frantic gasps. You can't stop shaking. You can't think, but your mind won't shut up. It feels like a band is being wrapped around your chest, tighter and tighter, until you just might implode. Why can't you calm yourself down? Why is this happening to you? Why are you like this? Your rapid fire thoughts, questions, and attempts to bring yourself out of this sea of panic only make it worse. You finally give up, no longer possessing the strength to try any longer. As the wave passes over you, you fear this may be the end. This time will literally be the death of you and there is nothing you can do to stop your inevitable demise. But eventually it's over. The attack ends and you collapse with exhaustion and relief. You survived another panic attack. You're going to be alright. You breathe deeply, still shaking slightly, acutely aware of your own mortality and grateful to be alive. 

Author's Note

I wrote this in the middle of the night after a struggle with some serious anxiety in order to try to calm myself down, so there may be some errors. As always, I appreciate your feedback.