You Aren't A Mind Reader

I wrote this a while ago, shortly after my boyfriend broke up with me, in an attempt to come to terms with the end of a relationship that had meant a lot to me, but little to him.

I can't expect you to read my mind. 

There's no reason why you should know what I'm thinking, 

How I'm feeling, 

What I want. 

How could you possibly know that you've been constantly on my mind, 

From when I first wake up to when I lie down to go to sleep? 

Why should I expect you know that I sometimes still miss you so much that it hurts,

That all I want is to have you here with me, 

To be in your arms? 

How would you know that I keep glancing at my phone, 

Hoping to see a message from you, 

But only left with no new messages and disappointment? 

What do I even want you to say anyway? 

That you've changed your mind, that you want to try it again? 

That you can see how much I miss you and you miss me too? 

That you're sorry and you want to still be friends? 

I don't know what I'd do if you changed your mind. 

I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that we aren't meant to be.

And I honestly don't know if I could go through all this with you again. 

I hope that you miss me, at least a little bit,  

That you sometimes think of me and smile at the memories we made, 

That you miss what we had, even though you decided to end it. 

I already know that you're sorry, 

You told me on that fateful Tuesday morning,  

And you already told me that you hope we can still be friends. 

But it seemed to me like you wanted to go on like nothing had happened, 

Like we hadn't had something special, 

Like you hadn't just handed me back the heart that I entrusted to you 

Saying that you didn't trust yourself not to do to mine what she did to yours. 

I can't do that, 

If I push aside my grief and act like it isn't there it'll wreck me from the inside 

And going right back to how it was without giving myself time to heal isn't something that I can do. 

I look at you and am hit with a tidal wave of confused emotions. 

There's sadness, 

Missing what we had, all of the good times, the feeling of security and love. 

There's longing, 

To be with you again, to be in your arms, to feel your lips on mine, your hand brushing my hair out of my face. 

There's hurt, 

A physical pain I can feel in my chest, in my bones, that shocks me to the core.

There's anger, 

That you pushed me away, that you ended it, that you got so cold. 

However this anger, pain, and bitterness are quickly consumed by stronger, softer emotions. 

There's a feeling that I can't find a word for, 

A warm feeling that makes me wish you well no matter what, 

That leaves me wanting the best for you, 

That makes me want to know that you're doing okay with all this 

And how your life is going now. 

There's attraction that I can't seem to shake, 

But in all honesty I don't particularly want to. 

There's so much beauty to you that you can't seem to see. 

I can't help but glancing at you and noticing all of the things about you that I've grown to love

Your dimples, your crazy hair that I desperately want to play with, 

Your sexy voice, your gorgeous eyes, your cute little button nose. 

Your freckles, your strong arms, the angles of your face. 

The look you get on your face when you're deep in thought, 

The way you walk, the goofy way you act around your friends. 

I see you in class and around school and all of this rises up in me and I don't know what to do with it. 

It's been two weeks since you told me that you were worried about us, 

Two weeks since I locked myself in a closet and cried because I didn't want to lose you, 

Two weeks since our last kiss. 

I'm still not sure how I feel about all this... 

I keep telling people that it was the best thing for both of us, 

That we were just too different for us to work, 

That our fears and insecurities didn't mesh well. 

And I do believe that, I guess. 

But I also know that I miss you like crazy and everything makes me think of you. 

I see pictures of cats that remind me of you. 

I watch a movie and wish that I could be curled up with you on your bed, 

Like when we watched Les Mis, 

My head resting on your chest, 

Your arm around me. 

I drive past the street that leads to yours and I remember driving you home from my house, 

Listening to T Swift and laughing. 

I lay in bed at night and wish that you were there with me, 

Not for any reason but to fall asleep in your arms, 

Listening to the beat of your heart. 

People say things or do things and I start to say "that's something that my boyfriend would..." 

But I stop before I get the words out because it's no longer true. 

You're constantly on my mind, 

When I'm in class, when I'm trying to sleep, when I'm driving. 

You were such a big part of my life, yet I feel like I hardly know you anymore

And, more than anything else does, that breaks my heart. 

The guy that I texted everyday, 

The guy to whom I told my fears and insecurities, 

The guy who I gave my heart to, 

Is now the guy I avoid eye contact with in the halls, 

The guy I hardly speak to. 

And when we do talk it's like taking to a stranger, 

But this stranger looks exactly like the guy I fell so hard for, 

Which makes it infinitely more difficult. 

I wish that it could be like old times 

When I knew exactly how you were feeling

When you were feeling down, 

When you were happy or excited or bored. 

I wish that I could text you until I fell asleep 

And wake up to long texts telling me how much you adore me. 

But that's not going to happen,
Things have changed and I'm no longer your princess, 

No matter how much it hurts to admit it. 

Our relationship is over and going back to just being friends is going to take time and effort 

And it's never going to be the same. 

I just hope that one day you'll understand that I don't hate you for this, 

That I'm not angry with you, 

Not really. 

This is just how I deal with my emotions and I can't stuff them away, 

Not anymore. 

I hope that you can forgive me for being cold and distant, 

But it's the only way that I know to protect my heart. 

I trusted you with it 

And though I know you tried to handle it carefully and you didn't mean to break it, 

When you handed it back to me, it was cracked. 

It was bound to happen eventually and I don't blame you for anything, 

But I need to guard it while it heals. 

And I still want to run to you, 

To hand it to you again 

To try to go back to how it was, 

Even though I know it's not a good idea 

And it'll just leave me more broken than I am now. 

So I have to shut you out, 

Put up my defenses in order to let myself heal, 

To let myself get over you 

Because if I don't, 

I'll just end up shattered on the floor in a million tiny pieces.

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

Ah yes...seen this before in the youth of this site, of course, but never in such detail.
The capturing of young love and the emotion that drives it, and how this emotion ---the best feeling in the world--- is suddenly the alien inside that you feel you need to cut out.
Being older (than the guy here) I can say without fear of losing my Man Card or street cred, etc., men are so much better at moving on from emotion by design, but this makes us the dumbest creatures on the planet at times. Little does this kid know now, that girls turn into women and the "So I have to shut you out, Put up my defenses in order to let myself heal" part grows and grows in time until one day, a much better and maturer guy comes along only to meet the hollow shell of the beautiful girl that once was. The hardest thing I've even done is: remain true to me. I hope this girl holds herself in that regard.
Great and provocative piece to read,
I thank you for sharing

[sabine]

Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate your insight on this subject and I do hope that I am able to remain true to myself.