Poisoned Thoughts

You're beautiful, they tell me.
You're special, they say.
You're talented and smart and you have it all together.
I wish I could believe them,
See myself through their eyes.
But I can't believe a word they say.
Sometimes I can almost accept it
Can almost buy the things they say about me
Can almost see a worth to the broken girl I see in the mirror.
But the thoughts always come creeping back in,
Dark as the night around me.
You're weird. You're awkward.
You don't fit in.
They don't really mean it when they say those things.
You're worthless. You're strange. They don't actually like you.
Why did you do that? Why did you say that?
They all hate you now.
They don't want to be around you.
You aren't good enough,
You aren't good enough,
YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH
I'm viciously assaulted, my insecurities ceaselessly swarming around my head,
Making me doubt everything about myself,
Bringing me to tears.
I curl myself in tight and sob, wondering what they could possibly see in me.
Why would anyone want to spend time with a freak like me?
Who needs bullies to make you feel worthless when your own thoughts attack you, night after night?
I try to stay positive, to push the poisoned thoughts away, to stay afloat,
But the negativity of my insecurity washes over me in wave after depressing wave,
Pulling me under and drowning me in a sea of self hatred.
They say I'm confident, strong, perfect.
But they don't know me like I do.
They only see the outside,
The façade I put up to hide my real self.
They don't know the things I hate about myself,
The insecurities that plague me,
The brokenness I can't escape.
They don't see the girl who can't believe in herself because her own thoughts won't let her.
They have no idea she even exists.
They don't know that I lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep because I can't stop thinking about everything that's wrong with me
And as I lay here tonight, I wonder what they would say, if they could only see what I see.

Reviews

[ObZen]

Your perception sounds damaged. You've kept on to the relationships you have with negative memories that made you feel unpleasant. I have the same problem. You have to find a way to let those go, because they create a trajectory/lineage that grow, which is not something you'd want.

[Curtis.Lenker]

Very good work here. Such powerful emotion and very well written. I can relate to this poem very much. Thank you for sharing.