Diapers Don't Lie - Uncles Aren't Gentlemen

A Story by Sanjay B

This is a collection of short stories about how children view the adult world.

I was feeling at peace. My mom had just changed my diaper and it was divine to be dry again. Soon it will be feeding time and I shall get at least my quota of bland milk. Will have to do with that only.

Let me introduce myself first. I am three months old and have many names such as shona, phuchku, nonu, poopsie etc. Last one has been given to me by uncle Aakash. I’ll tell you about him later.

Everyone says babies have the best life ever. Can you imagine that? Babies can’t speak, can’t even situp; leave alone standing up or walking. Always dependent on others. Anyone can come and pinch your bottom or pull your cheeks. I say that is molestation. And all I can do to express myself is cry. Most of the times when I cry, my mom starts feeding me. Yucks.
It’s not an easy life. Can you imagine one of the grownups to just lie, cry, wet his bed and get bland milk all the time? It’s really tough and stressful.

On top of it diapers.

Diapers play the most important part in a kid’s life. No doubt they are helpful till their capacity is breached. Once overloaded, diapers become a pain. And if poop also makes way, diapers become unbearable. Not to talk about rash it causes on my soft and cute bumpies. A baby is cute only till the diaper is not loaded. Loaded diaper babies don’t get hugs and coo-chi-coos.

Coming back to uncle Aakash.

He’s weird. He hangs me upside down, pinches my bottom, throws me up in the air and swirls around with me in his lap. It’s sooooo scary. He does his acts mostly when mom is not around. No need to say, I have to cry out loud to get mom to scold him. I keep trying to get rid of him. The other day I tried poking my fingers in his eyes but could reach only as far as his nostrils. I keep spitting saliva on him but he wipes it with my shirt only.

One day I got my revenge. He was leaning over me to pull my cheeks and I kicked hard. OMG I hit the sweet spot. His yell was so delightful. He picked me up to throw up in the air. Luckily I was wearing my nappies and not the diaper.

I decided to make it his lucky day. As soon as he picked me up he felt the warm trickle on his chest. He panicked. But by that time his shirt sleeve had acquired a yellow stain and a horrible stink filled the air. That’s not enough, I decided to throw all my feed onto him. That was the proverbial icing on the cake. There he was wet, soiled, stinking in a sense molested by a three month old baby.

He’s never picked me up again.

My dad is kind of cute. But he can’t handle babies, however hard he may try. You must see his face when he cleans my bum after I poop. It’s like worst form of torture for him. Every time he cleans me or changes my diaper, some clues are left behind. Needless to say, I get rashes because of that. But he really loves my mom. Whenever I cry at night, he tries to hold me so that mom doesn’t wake up. But poor man doesn’t realise that when I am hungry only mom can help me. He loves brining toys for me even though I can’t play with them.

Today we are going out for lunch to my dad’s masi’s house. I missed telling you that Uncle Akash is my dad’s Masi’s son.

So here I was. Clean dry diaper. Nice smelling Johnson and Johnson baby powder on me with lots on my bumpies. Wearing a soft cotton shirt. And my first pair of jeans. That was really uncomfortable. What is the reason for all this fashion charade for babies?

But it was a good day. I love going out. In my life so far I have only been out very few times, that too to get my vaccinations. Ouch. Why do they have to prick cute babies with sharp needles? No one can understand these grownups. But today was different. I was going out to have fun. Lot of people were going to play with me today. I would be asked to do that eye blinking routine again and again. Every time I do that people around me laugh and I laugh at them.

We finally reached Masi’s house. Uncle Aakash maintained his distance quite understandably. Everyone else wanted to hold me and coo-chi-coo me. I find it amusing and irritating when grownups make funny faces. God knows why do they do that. One of the uncles crossed his limit today when he wanted to show me his hairy chest and was jumping up and down making monkey faces. Someone please make a video of him and send that to animal planet. May be he will get his role in Next part of ‘The Planet of Apes’.

But soon I was tired and slept.

And then the diaper began to fill.

Will be back with more soon.

Love you.