The School of Underperforming Arts

A Story by School Of Underperforming Arts

Hopefully you can, maybe not sympathize, but relate to the piece of s**t writer who wrote this. Hint: he's trying to find his voice. Just like you!

This is a piece of s**t literature, brought to you by The School of Underperforming Arts.

I will write this particular novel, particular in the sense that it's the only novel I'll ever write, in first person. This piece of s**t thing called the internet told me to not do this, but it being the piece of s**t it is I'm not going to listen to the advice and just go on and write the way I want to. Ofcourse even though the internet is a piece of s**t I acknowledge the fact that there are real people behind the advice, and many or most of them know these things way better than I do - I still ignore it. "Why?" No one asks. Because from my own experience of both reading and writing stuff I feel the first person format feels more personal and thus more sincere and interesting. Therefore I will write this piece of s**t literature the way I feel is most comfortable and interesting. I also like to write "I" alot, so that's a more accessible stimuli for me this way.

The "story" I'm about to tell was originally supposed to be a film or atleast a screenplay, for I am a film person at heart, I believe. But it just felt phony and presumptuous to write a screenplay before I had a story that's good or even filmable. Yes, weird, because sure you have to start somewhere and why not a screenplay if the idea is to make a film. Well it just felt like a weird format to start with for some reason, and the structure, both syntactical and story structure-wise, if that makes sense, is unwieldy and uninspiring. Starting with a novel, which is a product by itself unlike a screenplay (which I think is just a blueprint), feels more natural and close to hand for me. This is a better way to form a story, then, maybe... I will do a screenplay of it. But for now! I will just ignore what is or isn't filmable and just let the imagination guide the story. Although the outline for this story, well alot of it actually, is really based on true stuff that's happened. I will change the names though, out of respect for people like myself, who are indeed in the story.

I have to apologize beforehand now for my language. Not for cursing, f**k no. But for looking words up when I write and then actually putting them in the f*****g text! It always feels more honest when you're not trying to push the boundaries of the laguage to the degree where you yourself don't quite understand what you write. So I will try to keep it simple and not overcomplicate or ornament excessively. Let's keep it economical. If you run into a sentence you can see through completely and see all the pretentiousness, and you cringe, you synical b*****d, I'm very sorry for this. I will try not to be pretentious. Yours sincerely, The School of Underperforming Arts.

P.S: I just realised that this will be really weird because I just wrote this preface in first person as the writer, and now I will write in the narrative of the main character, in what I just established as fiction. On second thought now don't read this preface before you read the book, it will probably somewhat ruin your experience. Yours truly, The School of Underperforming Arts.

Today, I declare, is a good day. So any of you who think they're not having a good day today, I will hold in contempt! As the commander in chief of the world, you must at the very least, acknowledge that today... is a good day... for ME. I will probably cut this part of the text later as less is more. I'm just trying to get started.

I'm home alone, it's kind of late. And my boyfriend isn't home. "Oh, it's a girl-writer!" you think. Why do you say that? Why surprised? Can't a girl be a writer? And why do you think it's a girl, why not a gay? There's nothing wrong with that. I guess you'll just have to keep on reading to know. No superfluous exposition in this damn book, none ...

I'm already getting uncomfortable with this. I thought I'd write it from the females perspective 'cause I like strong female leads. They're inherently deeper and more flawed in like a film context. Vulnerable and fragile, yet can be strong. Dynamics. But the combination of writing in first person, and a female lead, I don't know. Now that she has a boyfriend and all, makes me a little uncomfortable. I know she had a boyfriend, but when I wrote it, it kinda creeped me out. Can I write a scene about having sex with myself? I don't think I can. I'm sorry Burt Bacharach. I'm not as strong as you are.

So here I am, by the computer, doing everything and nothing at the same time. I'm busy, I won't answer your calls, but I'm also bored. Grossly bored. And later, if you ask me what I've done today, I couldn't give you an answer. Because I have accomplished nothing. What have you accomplished today? Oh, how nice, lot's of things. Aha, wow, woke up in the morning? Productive all day, and got more done that I have this entire week, that's amazing. I'm so glad for you... and so sad for me. Mostly I'm just sad for me. I believe you get a little egoistic when you are underperforming, but then again I have underperformed my whole life so I wouldn't know. But I like to think that if I'm just satisfied with ME, I will pay more attention to others. It's not like I'm a total ego maniac, I do get a kick from doing good to others too, and I often put others first, in most cases I think. Is this exposition? I think it is. I heard someone cough in the livingroom. I though I was alone. I went to check it out... Did I just go past tense? Guess that's the way it's going to be then, from now on.

Yeah, it was her alright. I love her and hate her. Overconsuming pop-culture and social media and all that crap. You know she has a better job than I do, if you could even call my thing a job, and earns alot more, AND consumes for entertainment than I do, AND has a richer social life. Yeah, f**k you. Look at me when I'm taunting you (in my mind). She doesn't even see me. She's looking at her phone, and she has the TV on pretty loud. I'll show her what I can do, I'll be something great someday. She's been nothing but good to me, might I add, so I guess a psychologist would say I'm projecting my self-hated towards others as some kind of protection. Well, I do hate myself, and I know I do love her, so I guess my psychologist was right.

There is more, but I realize and respect that your time is valuable, and will not waste it without your approval.