Scent

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re writing this like a report, of the form, “This happened…then that happened…and after that…” And you’re using way too many words—explaining as an external observer in far more detail than needed.

That’s a nonfiction technique and can’t work for fiction. Nonfiction’s goal is to inform—which is an informational goal. Fiction's, though, as E. L. Doctorow expressed it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” That’s an emotional goal, and requires an entirely different presentation methodology. Instead of a narrator whose performance can neither be seen nor heard, fiction places the reader into the persona of the protagonist, in the moment that character calls now.

So...you begin with:

• “Supratik, Chief of Police and Internal Security at Ujjain, walked rapidly up to the riverside, just as the body was being fished out.”

But, do you have to TELL the reader his full title, at this point? When he walks up to the people and a policeman replies, “Yes, chief,” or “Good morning chief,” won’t we know without the necessity of you being on stage as yourself? Couldn’t you just call him, Chief Supratik? Anything more is irrelevant to the action in the opening of the scene.

Do we need to know how quickly he walked? That’s visual detail and the reader can’t see him. Would it really matter if he limped, or hopped there? No. But...every unnecessary word you use costs reading time, and the faster the read the more impact the action has.

In his viewpoint, what matters is that a body is being pulled out. And what matters to him matters to the reader. So in his viewpoint it might more like: “As Chief Supratik approached the riverbank, a body was just being pulled from the water.

Fifteen words on what matters to him in the moment, as against twenty-three of generic overview explanation from you.

• The officer supervising the operation turned around and saluted his commander immediately.

Why to we need to know the man’s job? Don’t we assume that one who makes a report to him is the one qualified to do that? And must you tell the reader that the man who saluted did so immediately, AFTER he did it? Do we really care if it was instant or slow if he chief doesn’t see a problem? It is his story, after all.

• ‘Bring the body out.’ Supratik instructed to his subordinate.

So...a man saluted. Our protagonist gives an order, and you have to tell the reader who he was talking to? Seriously? 😆 You can probably cut the number of words in the piece by 10%, or more, without changing anything…and must.

But of greater importance, he arrives AS the body is being fished out, and sees that, then asks that the body be brought out? Out of where? You never had them do anything but pull it from the water. That error happened because you’re using an outside-in approach, where you tell the reader what you want to happen next, and the actors dutifully follow orders, without question.

But had you been using the inside-out approach, where you were placing the reader into the scene in the protagonist's viewpoint, they, along with the chief, would have watched what was done with the body and would know where it is. Of more impotence, you would know, and never force him to make a statement that doesn't track. Place yourself into the viewpoint of the protagonist as you write and he would have said, "No, wait...they still have the body lying on the riverbank." Writing is more fun with the protagonist whispering suggestions and warnings in our ear.

The problem isn’t one of writing talent, how well, you’re writing, or, even the story. It’s that like every other hopeful writer, you own only the writing skills and techniques you were given in school. And because of the hundreds of reports and essays we wrote while perfecting our nonfiction skills, whatever you write using them will, of necessity, read like a report—as this story does. And, since that’s fixable, I thought you’d want to know.

The thing we forget is that professions, and Fiction-Writing is a profession, are acquired IN ADDITION to the set of general skills we’re given in school. So we leave school not knowing that we’re exactly as prepare to write fiction—or any of the writing professions—as well as to successfully remove an appendix. And when it's time to write our stories we, of course, use what we know.

The solution? You could spend four years at the university getting a degree in commercial Fiction-Writing, if you have four years to spare. There are also seminars, workshops, retreats, writing and critiquing clubs, and, of course, the library’s fiction-writing section. That last one I where I suggest you begin. You can proceed at your own pace, work when you have the time free, and have access to the views of pros in writing, teaching, and, publishing.

As luck would have it, a site recently began providing free downloads of the best book on the techniques of fiction I've found to date, free. And free is good, so before they change their minds, copy/paste the address below this paragraph into the URL window at the top of any Internet window, and hit Return.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

And, if you want a kind of overview of the issues, you might check a few of the articles in my WordPress writing blog, linked to at the bottom.

So dig in. And as you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[starsvit]

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[SUGATA M]

I submitted a story after 3 years to this group. It is a murder mystery of the ancient India. Hope you will enjoy it.