Chapter 1: Dishwasher

The soup kitchen, some of the people in it and a disappointing start.

"Hey, Red."

I turn towards the voice, a scold at his lack of originality forming in my mind. I encounter a short, stout man, with lots of silver-grey hair. He is wearing a clean apron, the white dimmed by time and repeated washings. His mouth is not smiling, but his eyes are alive with humour and challenge.

"You here to work or just look around?" the stout man says. There's the challenge.

With all the courage I can muster, I announce, "Work. What can I do?"

The kitchen is large, with two old metal commercial stoves gleaming at one end, framed by equally elderly and glinting oven units. The man tilts his head towards the other side of the kitchen where a walk-in cooler and four deep stainless steel sinks take up most of the space, along with a small restaurant style dishwasher. A woman is loading plastic cups into the dishwasher. "She'll show you what to do."

Not what I want to hear. I've done dishes every second night since I was eight, this is not why I have volunteered at Meals Shared. I want to do something more important than dishes.

He adds, "If that’s too hard, I'll find you something easier."

Ha! I've got five years of experience. It can't be that different. I march over to help the woman. She’s maybe twenty-five, but looks exhausted. She gestures with her arms, adorned in homemade tattoos, for me to tie my hair back.

I sigh, thinking about the nickname my hair has already earned me in this kitchen, as I dig into my pocket for a covered elastic. I’ve had red hair, that lightens to strawberry blond in the summer, and freckles, that do the opposite, for my whole life.  Like I've never been called ‘Red’ or ‘Carrots’ or a dozen other names before.

"I'll run the machine, you take care of the sinks. You'll want gloves. Third one's got bleach in it." She thrusts a pair of yellow rubber gloves at me before she turns to stack more cups into the tray. The full tray is shoved into the dishwasher, which closes with a clunk.

I lean down into the deep sink and start to wash the first of many huge pots. It's hard work maneuvering the heavy pots, with the high sided sinks being low to the ground. I debate with myself whether the job would be easier if I were taller than my five-foot-two, because the edge of the sink would not cut into my stomach when I reach to scrub the bottom of the pot, or more difficult, because I would have to lean over farther yet.

I’m about halfway through the mountain of dishes, presumably having correctly guessed one washes in the first, soapy sink, dips in second, dips in the third, before a final rinse in the fourth, when Mr. Stout comes over.

"Com'on, Red, let's go find some supper."

Relieved, I remove the sticky gloves. Following him to the food line, I notice that he is not short and stout so much as very square. He lists heavily to one side, pulling his right leg behind him in an uneven gait.

The line is shorter than it was when I had arrived, an hour earlier, so our plates are quickly loaded with mashed potatoes, liver and onions in gravy and chunks of boiled carrots. I pass on the bread bowl and grab a glass of sweet-smelling red drink from a jug.

Mr. Stout limps over to a large round table where a few older people are sitting, along with a woman who has two small children in tow. The adults stop talking as we sit down, but one little girl is smiling at me from across the table, head tucked low, so I can just see her upturned mouth. I smile back and wiggle my fingers instead of a full wave. She beams widely and digs into her plate with gusto.

"I'm Leonard," my boss turned supper companion says.

"Sarah," I reply.

"What made you come in today, Sarah?"

"I want to help."

"Sounds good. Why here?" Leonard gestures vaguely to the room around us.

The building had been an old, run-down bar until it was seized for back taxes. The carpet covering most of the floor is decades old, dark and patterned in a large orange, brown and green floral; dark with stains or white where it is wearing through in spots.

One wall is covered in a man-made rock treatment that was popular when the carpet was installed, the serving station built in is used for drinks and desserts.  Three volunteers serve supper from another alcove. Circular and rectangular tables are surrounded by a mix of plastic and wooden stackable chairs.

The room is lit with noisy overhead fluorescent lights and yellow-tinged wall sconces. No natural light enters unless someone opens the back entrance, designated for staff and volunteers to enter.

Patrons enter through the front door and walk down a hall, made dimmer by dark wood paneling, past public washrooms to get to the eating area.  Here anyone who comes can get a free meal five days a week, except a few holidays, when the Salvation Army takes over.

"Because food is a human right," I begin, "and Canada signed the Human Rights Charter… " I taper off as Leonard lets out a low chuckle.

"What else is a right?" Is that amusement?

"That all people are born with dignity and freedom..." I begin.

"That's a good one," he declares.

"So I saw Meals Shared in the paper and thought I would come help. I talked to Bev and she said it was okay?" I was surprised when I saw the article. How do people in Canada not have enough food? It said the soup kitchen needed more volunteers, so I asked my mom about volunteering.  She told me to phone and find out more, to see if after school would work. The director Bev said four o’clock was good, so I made plans to come in.

"’Course it's okay. What else do you do, where do you go to school?"

"I'm in grade eight at the academy," I tell him, referring to the girl's school which is less than twenty blocks from here,” I like to swim and read and I believe in people!"

I am used to that amused look from adults and take it as a good sign. So I ask, "What about you, how long have you been coming here? Do you work here, like Bev? What else do you do?"

"I volunteer. Used to be a cook, but messed up my back a long time ago, Now, it’s too bad for me to work."

I think back to the the stool Leonard was sitting on, while chopping up things and coaching other volunteers through cooking meals on the giant stoves. Oh, it's hard for Leonard to stand? When dinner is over, we go back to the kitchen. He walks volunteers through clean up. I get back to the pile of pots, which has grown in my absence.

****

I yank the staff door open; I know the routine. I pull my hair back as I enter the kitchen and start the water running in all four sinks.

Leonard calls: "Hey, Red," like he has every week for the last three.

I wave back as I add soap to the first sink and measure bleach into the third. I got here earlier today; the stack waiting for me is a bit shorter.

Sweat is trickling down my forehead when Leonard decides it’s time to have supper. "Let's get some food, Sarah."

Waiting in line, Leonard asks me about school and my swim meet. As I tell him about my English test and finishing a hard swim, with an admittedly dismal time, he looks over my shoulder. Pausing my monologue to glance towards the front of the line, I see a woman holding a baby, a toddler close to her legs.

"I'll just go..." I start to explain to Leonard, but he is already smiling and nodding.

"Need a hand?" I ask the woman, who doesn't seem much older than me.

She has darkness under her eyes, one side not only from lack of sleep. She nods her head at me, then hands me a bundle of blankets, with a nose and eyes peeking out. Not sure I’m actually qualified for this duty. I bounce the bundle like I saw the mother doing, as she loads up a tray for herself and her son.

Since she is heading for a table, I follow. No need to invite me! The mother sits down and I attempt to hand the bundle back, when the boy knocks over a drink, orange liquid splashes across the table. The woman's face begins to crumble; it looks like toddler and mother are both about to cry. I get some napkins and a cloth from the dessert station to help clean up. Seeing she has enough to manage, I keep the bundle in my arms and sit down.

"How old are they?" I ask, searching for a topic. Don’t know if I’ve ever talked to an adult who looked so worn out.   Or one with a black eye.

"John’s almost three, baby’s… two months, already” she says, glancing at both of them, her tired eyes brighten for a few seconds.

"John is really busy… " I start, watching him kick his legs under the table, while taking bites of a sandwich.

"You don't even know! This morning, I was changing the baby in the bedroom. Come out and can't find John. The door is still locked, check the bathroom. I’m thinking he's f*****g lost or stolen. Then the little monkey starts to giggle. He climbed the fridge! Lucky he didn't kill himself!"

As she is talking, Leonard limps his way to our table followed by another volunteer, "Edgar brought you supper."

Edgar, like Leonard, is older than almost all the volunteers. He is tall and lean, with a grey beard that touches his chest. Maybe he hopes it will make up for the lack of hair on top of his head? He wears silver wire glasses, a pair of worn jeans and a red plaid button down shirt that appears a bit newer.

I haven't met Edgar yet; he’s usually out front, working at the dish bins and dessert/drink area, while I do the never ending dishes.

"Thank you," I say.

He nods and walks back to his station with long sure strides. I look down at the tray: the steaming hot vegetable soup, I saw Leonard orchestrating earlier, sandwiches from a local corner store, whose best before dates are tomorrow and an orange drink. Then I look at the bundle in my arms. A sandwich will have to do, because there is no way I am bringing hot soup anywhere near a baby!

Our mealtime is quieter today. Leonard makes conversation between eating with both me and the mom, periodically talking to the boy, too. It all fades into the background as Bundle opens his eyes. And smiles at me. Only he and I exist until he opens his mouth and lets out a squall.

His mother lets out a deep breath and holds out her arms to reclaim Bundle, concealing him beneath a blanket to feed. It’s time to get back to work. I grab the finished trays to take to Edgar's station.

Leonard catches my eye, "They need more help out here, Edgar’ll show you what to do."

"What about dishes?"

"Someone else can do dishes," he dismisses.

"Okay!"

He doesn't need to tell me twice.  I try not to bounce on my way over to the alcove where the dish bins are kept. I've been promoted!

Author's Note

I've had some feedback about orienting the reader much more quickly to where we are and what we are doing there. Any thoughts on the pacing? Is there too much description of the space or does that feel comfortable?

Constructive feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[Kathy Van Kurin]

"Chapter 1: Dishwasher"
Shannon,
This story is a very positive one which touches on the ability of a family to allow and support a young person to pursue a caring work such as helping with those who are in need. I found the descriptions realistic and pretty right on. I have done some volunteer work and you have given your people-characters faces and voices. You are a good descriptive writer and give just enough detail to allow the reader to interpret from their own viewpoint. It was lovely and real.
Blessings,
Kathy

[SweetNutmeg]

The description of the physical environment is great! I really feel like i am there. Edgar and Leonard seem differentiated by their appearances. You're really nailing the visuals.Good job!

[Shannon]

Thank you SN. Appreciate your reading again!

[Samuel Dickens]

I find it very solidly-written and correct throughout. Realistic, too, as if you may have done this kind of volunteer work before. We all have different tastes and some might not think it interesting enough, void of murders, sex or fight scenes, as it is. I, however, enjoy stories about real people doing real, everyday things, so I followed along with interest. I haven't heard anyone use "listing" in quite a while, and it nudged my old sailor heart.

[Shannon]

Thank you Sam. I know it's a little slow. It's about relationships and growth and people being whole human beings.

[Shannon]

And so many people don't really appreciate listing in that context. Glad is nudged your heart.

[William Liston]

I enjoyed reading this chapter. I felt like the pacing, word usage, and descriptions were done skillfully. I also think you did an overall good job with characterization ... I feel like I know a lot about the narrator although I've only read this one chapter.

As for critiques, I think this piece could benefit from fixing some small issues. Here are some that I found (I'm going in a linear fashion):

1. a scold for lack of originality forming in my mind

The reader, at this point, doesn't know that the narrator has red hair, so the "scold for lack of originality" doesn't make much sense. If I were you, I would add a sentence like "Looks like my hair has already earned me a nickname" before "I turn towards the voice ..."

2. His mouth is not smiling

This, in my opinion, would read smoother if you used the contraction "isn't."

3. With her arms, adorned in homemade tattoos

I would say "covered" in homemade tattoos. The word adorned usually describes something beautiful and ornamental, which isn't how one would usually describe homemade tattoos.

4. he gestures vaguely to the room around us.

I thought the word "vaguely" was redundant.

5. "I'll just go..." I started to explain to Leonard

You, the writer, knows that the woman is having trouble with her children and needs help. I think you could've made that clearer to the reader. This dialogue seems random because the reader doesn't know what motivates the narrator to say that. I think you need to make it clear that the narrator intends to go help the woman.

6. but the is already smiling and nodding

Did you mean to say "he" instead of "the" ?


Hope this was helpful.

- William Liston

[Shannon]

All constructive feedback always helpful, it's good to know what others think, even if one does not take a suggestion. Thank you for the read and review!

[Raylene]

I love this simply I love how you brought In the harsh cruelty of the world and that people need people like red. If you would not mind this gave me some inspiration for a new chapter for The Law of the Dargons I admire that the mother tries so hard to raise her son's I would like to make her a character in my book if you don't mind

[Shannon]

Hey, thank you so much for the read and review.
Why don't you send me a personal message with bit more if your idea? But I am happy to hear it inspired you.

Throughout this piece, characters like her appear once, to show some part of the story. Few make repeat appearances.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

I like the style and your writing philosophy. I think we look at life the same way. Yours comes out in your writing which is good. This has a fantastic potential as a complete book. Fiction but with life philosophy. Good!

[Shannon]

Thank you very much for your review. I am glad the style (which appears to be uniquely me) and the philosophy appeal. It's interesting that so many view this one as fiction.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

Isn't it? You don't say.

[Shannon]

You are correct. I did not. I wanted to see how it read to people.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

Have you published? I self published to do a 'market test'. It gave some feedback as to story line and writing style. Be careful who you use. Dave B-T

[Shannon]

No, not published at all. New writer. I sent you an email of sorts on here about your writing. Did you get it? Envelope on top right of your page.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

Yes i got it. How long is your book? I get the feeling reading it is a short story. You have a lot happen very fast as if you have only so much space.

[Shannon]

Yes, it's only a book here on the Café. I am not sure what the word limit is, but there is one. Plus I wanted reviews on each section as I went. About 10,000 words I think, when all done.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

If you are using Word or Openoffice program they will give you a word count.I'm going to sit down and do a proper read today. Can I contact you direct? Dave B-T [email protected]

[Shannon]

I could not get this email address to work.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

[email protected]

[Shannon]

Got it now!

[AUU]

So the story is about Leonard and Edgar told by a different POV (narrator)?

I think the POV sounds youthful and naive. I'm not sure if you think that's a bad thing because I don't think it is. I like character's who have flaws.

Just a few things.


1. "four deep stainless steel sinks " Just a nitpick. I've worked in the service industry. So I found this to be confusing. I believe most sinks in restaurants/places that prepare foods have three bays (three-bay sink) not four. First bay is for washing, second bay is for rinsing, third is for sanitizing. You say later that one sink has bleach. I found that a bit of a question. Bleach is a hazardous chemical and is not normally used to wash dishes. Also why go through all that trouble of washing dishes when their is a dishwasher?

2. "With her arms, adorned in homemade tattoos, she gestures for me to tie my hair, which apparently, has already earned me a nickname in this kitchen, back." I'm having a hard time with this sentence. What's the nickname?

3. You use numbers when talking about ages. You can do that, but I found it a bit jarring because most writers write the numbers out in their stories (Twenty five instead of 25).

4."She has darkness under her eyes, one side not only from lack of sleep." I really like how you're alluding that the woman has a black eye.

5. "So I do what makes sense." This line might be redundant. I think cutting it and concentrating on the action of your POV cleaning up the spill would be a more powerful statement to his character.

[Shannon]

Thank you I appreciate the feedback. I definitely need to look at 2 and 3. Will consider 5. Thank you for 4.

Number one is a real way of doing it. The four sinks was unusual, but the set up was from the 1970s. Diluted bleach is a legitimate sanitizer still used today in commercial settings, at least in Canada. Dishwasher was small. Just for table wear. I am sure you weren't looking for a rebuttal. That wasn't my intent. Just to let you know why I am not making any adjustments based on the comment.
Thank you for the read and review. I really appreciate the time and effort such a helpful review takes.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

Technical details can be a problem and sometimes hard to research. But advisable.The criticism of your descriptions is maybe out of place because the narrator is only a teen.All criticism you have to take in your stride. Use what you can. Dave B-T

[Kathrin S]

I loved this! It was super timely for me, as I'm in a new city and have been volunteering a lot. The plot was very interesting and captured my attention immediately. I look forward to learning more about the reader and the other characters. However, if you're wanting to focus on Edgar and Leonard the most, I'd maybe add more about them in this story. Right now I'm most interested in the narrator and the young woman with the 2 kids. I definitely want to know more about her!

Here are my notes:

- "a scold" - this part was a bit confusing, I had to re-read it twice to get it. It does work, though - it's just hard to understand at first.

- "white/grey" - you write 'white' in the next part already, so you could just stick to grey, or silvery grey or something along those lines.

- In the first part, there are very many descriptive adjectives. Maybe cut a few out, so the story flows more.

- "homemade tattoos" - interesting description! I would've liked to know more about this - how does she know it's homemade?

- "tie my hair ..." the 'back' feels too far away - I had to go back and read the sentence again to see what 'back' refers to. Maybe you could make 2 separate sentences out of this.

- "then shove(s) it in the dishwasher"

- "scrub the bottom of the pot(,) or more difficult" This also seems a bit long.

- "dip(s) in the second, dip(s) in the third"

- "He is listing heavily" - what does 'listing' mean in this context? That was confusing to me.

- "more than an hour earlier(,)"

- "are quiet with our arrival" - 'at our arrival'?

- "'I'm Leonard(,)'" Don't forget the commas after direct speech.

- "Rectangle and circular" -> "Rectangular and circular"

- "noisy overhead fl(u)orescent"

- "he is looking over my shoulder" - wouldn't it be 'looks' here, since he's only doing that at that very moment?

- "Maybe he hopes with make up" - would it be "Maybe he hopes it will make up"?

Anyway, thanks for sharing this story. I especially enjoyed the second part, although all of it was interesting. I look forward to review swapping with you again!!

[Shannon]

Thank you very much. This was extremely helpful and I appreciate all the time something like this takes.
I am learning how to write descriptive language. Since I don't read for it, have to learn to write it through the feedback of others.
I am glad you enjoyed it!

[Kathrin S]

No problem, I'm glad if it helps you a bit. You're doing a good job already, I very much enjoyed the story.

[Shannon]

Oops. Just occurred to me that you may not know what I am talking about above. I think a bit differently. It's called Aphantasia. I don't have a mind's eye. My earliest piece explains it. Or you could google if interested.

[Kathrin S]

Oh wow, that's so interesting. No, I didn't know that. I will definitely look up the piece you wrote on it.

[Coyote Poetry]

I did enjoyed this chapter. I liked the feel of real life and real people. I liked the situation and the ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Shannon]

Thank you for the read and review. Always appreciated.

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[David Buchan-Terrell]

Back to the technical point. My book takes place in the Middle East. I realized the Atlas I was using was way out of date. It is fiction but has to correct.

[Lyn Anderson]

This is really neat. I have but one suggestion. Switch out the And for an I in the second sentence. And really doesn't fit in this instance, even if you like short, clipped sentences.:)

[Shannon]

Thank you kl. I believe I will take that suggestion. As always appreciate the read and the feedback.

[Lyn Anderson]

you are very welcome.