Slumped

100 word story - take one

Hot Canadian summer day. Sun is shining. Driving back to our new home, slumped in the passenger's seat of the car. Jaw throbbing from infection, iv firmly stuck into arm, under strict instructions to return to the emergency room if getting confused or disoriented. At a four way stop, look over to see a child riding a bicycle and a man walking a giant beige turtle. Panic! Precious brain turning to mush. Slurring from pain, ask husband "does that man have a giant turtle?"
Husband looks past me for a long moment then answers "more like a tortoise, I think".

Author's Note

If you have been reading my stories, you know how much I love to use so many great words. Tried to pare it back. I can't tell if it is amusing or just a series of of nonsensical sentence fragments.
Any constructive feedback most certainly welcomed.

Reviews

[James Whitefall]

Well I love the last line and I suppose I wouldn't love it unless I had something to build on. I feel like the back story was, I don't know, scattered maybe. Still, interesting work. Thanks for the read.

[Shannon]

Can you think of ways to tighten it up? I tried to defeat the hundred word thing by using the illness and confusion. Thanks for the read.

[James Whitefall]

Oh, good question. I didn't realize it was a 100 word story. That certainly changes my perspective a bit, but I meant what I said. I don't like the "or disoriented". I think that can be removed. That gives you two more words. Still, I can't say that I'm very good with 100 words, so it's possible that you're story is conceptually better than my attempts. Keep up the good fight!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I love this! You have given the backstory to set up this wonderful scene. The reader hangs on to hear if your husband sees it too. Really well done. I really needed this gem right now. Light and relatable.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the read. I am glad that a small piece like this had an impact.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I enjoyed it!

[Shannon]

I am glad to hear that. Some days they come easier than others, huh?

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

That is soooooo true. Trouble is sometimes the muse brings the best ones in the middle of the night! :)

[Woody]

nice, really nice :) the husband's reply is priceless haha. and logical. turtles live at sea.
the scene is set well and the descriptions are good.
going home with an IV stuck in arm?
needless to say, it's right up my whatsitcalled.

[Shannon]

Thank you Woody. I am glad the ligic/ humor got to you a bit.
Is the going home with an iv thing not a common practice? Here if you have an infection, that tends to be treatment of choice.

[Woody]

really? would look strange here. IVs are placed either when in hospital or once back home and in bed. ah, well, Canadians are strange people :))

[Shannon]

Ah, how little we consider the world we live in. You would go back 1-4 times a day to get the medication, they turn off the iv, remove the tubbing and wrap up the part stuck in you for your next visit.

[Woody]

mmm! I hope I never fall ill if I go to Canada.

[Stan Lee]

First of all, interesting choice for the title. I had no idea what to expect! Then at first I was quite confused about the fragmented sentences until I understood that the character infected as such and it all made sense. If we had figured that out earlier it might have made for a smoother ride? Maybe? I laughed out loud at the punch line! Hilarious S.Mi!! That is so well done. Fantastic!! :)

[Shannon]

Thanks for the read. I always value others ideas and insights. I illness as an excuse for the fragments helped me achieve 100 words if I am being honest. ☺

[Shabeeh Haider]

A short tale but very aptly written. The words form a clear picture in the readers mind and the conclusion is bound to bring a smile

[Shannon]

I am relieved to here that the picture cones through for you. Thanks for the read.

[busterlee]

That was funny. Not sure if fact or fiction. If fiction, nice imagination.

[Shannon]

Really? Thanks. Was intended to be a bit of amusement.

[Inject Positivity]

Wow S congratulations!! I understand how tough it is to control the uses of words in this strict form of story... It is packed with perfect and enough details to express the story... 1) you described the weather on that particular day 2) also described how are you leaning
3) what happened to you 4) what the doctor said to be careful about 5) then the place where you see the boy and the man.... All these are carefully and briefly expressed in this 'little' form of short story... Ending was fun... You have succeeded...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Shannon]

Thanks for the read and such a nice detailed review.