Slumped

100 word story - take one

Hot Canadian summer day. Sun is shining. Driving back to our new home, slumped in the passenger's seat of the car. Jaw throbbing from infection, iv firmly stuck into arm, under strict instructions to return to the emergency room if getting confused or disoriented. At a four way stop, look over to see a child riding a bicycle and a man walking a giant beige turtle. Panic! Precious brain turning to mush. Slurring from pain, ask husband "does that man have a giant turtle?"
Husband looks past me for a long moment then answers "more like a tortoise, I think".

Author's Note

If you have been reading my stories, you know how much I love to use so many great words. Tried to pare it back. I can't tell if it is amusing or just a series of of nonsensical sentence fragments.
Any constructive feedback most certainly welcomed.

Reviews

[Jon Roggie]

I love it. Down in this part of California, we have had traffic shut down by tortoises, and pelicans. In Arizona, I remember riding to work, and looking over to see a buzzard with wings spread. You never know what you will see. The medication can make you wonder!

[Shannon]

Thanks so much. I would imagine it would take a while to clear tortoises from traffic

[Schatzi]

Yes, I think so too.

[Jacob Clifford]

Very quirky. I really like the different take on a 100-word story. I think the way mattavelli described this story "blurry, comes into focus at panic" is very accurate.

[Shannon]

Thanks for stopping by to read and review. Glad you liked it!

[Papaya]

Lol! Love that! I can just see it...!

[Shannon]

A compliment like this means a lot too me.

[Papaya]

: )

[Shannon]

Have you read my writing about Aphantasia?

[Papaya]

I don't think so.

[Shannon]

Its called "Difference: Aphantasia". It explains why such a small comment is so big for me!
But regardless if you go there or not, thanks for reading this one!

[mattavelli]

Hello, S. :)
This was a good one! Your presentation, your "sentence fragments", make it a blurry read that comes into focus with "panic!"

[Shannon]

Excellent. That was the goal. I am sometimes guilty of being too much in my own head when writing, so glad you were with me!

[barleygirl]

This is an interesting vignette from real life, seemingly bordering on the fantastical . . . nice setup for the whole tooth issue, and the reader is definitely following the insinuations about feeling a little crazy to see this turtle . . . then the hubby's response is matter-of-fact, like a twist to the story, feeling it's the most natural thing in the world while she's questioning her sanity in that shared moment. Frankly, I would've liked a little more build-up for the sighting of the turtle, either by using more description (beyond "beige" -- ho hum!) or by describing the way the turtle moves or something, twisting these added observations into her warped perception somehow, to draw out that moment when she's thinking she better return to ER!

[Shannon]

Thanks for stopping by to read and give such a helpful review.

[Taylor]

Clever ans Amusing. I wonder if another title would work better? Do ER's send people home with IV's in Canada. Don't think they do here in the U.S.

[Shannon]

Thanks for the read and feedback. I was trying to find a title that would not give it away. But I am hearing it may be too random.
Yes, they sometimes put the iv in, give the medicine, take the tubbing off, bandage up the part stuck in your hand, then you go back for more another time. WY better than being in hospital if you don't need to be. It's the most common question I have gotten about this piece. Lol.

[LastMonth]

Priceless.

That one really got me,
Well. The moment I entered this page, I saw a Short paragraph.
It left me hanging, waiting eagerly for whatever punchline is going to make this worth my while.

And it delivered quite well.
Good job.

[Shannon]

Thank you so much for the read and review. Brevity always a challenge for me! But I sort of like the challenge...

[Dave]

This is the first I've read of yours. I found it interesting. I'm fairly new here so I don't know what a "backstory" is. I feel though, that I should be looking forward to what happens next, and I am.
Thank you for a very interesting read.

[Shannon]

Thanks for the read. This is an experiment. Not the best representation of my work maybe, but elements of my style for sure.