Slumped

100 word story - take one

Hot Canadian summer day. Sun is shining. Driving back to our new home, slumped in the passenger's seat of the car. Jaw throbbing from infection, iv firmly stuck into arm, under strict instructions to return to the emergency room if getting confused or disoriented. At a four way stop, look over to see a child riding a bicycle and a man walking a giant beige turtle. Panic! Precious brain turning to mush. Slurring from pain, ask husband "does that man have a giant turtle?"
Husband looks past me for a long moment then answers "more like a tortoise, I think".

Author's Note

If you have been reading my stories, you know how much I love to use so many great words. Tried to pare it back. I can't tell if it is amusing or just a series of of nonsensical sentence fragments.
Any constructive feedback most certainly welcomed.

Reviews

[Kathy Van Kurin]

"Slumped"
Shannon,
I see this is a short, short story; 100 words. I suppose a story needs a beginning, middle and end. For someone whom is 'slumped' in their seat on the way home and kind of out of it the title surly works. I have not done any thing like this before- that is write a story which is held tight like this. I see you used a phrase stream of consciousness to weave this one. I really like it.. kind of fun and the turtle idea really worked. You had fun with this one and so did I!
blessings,
Kathy

[slfisher89]

Its rather fascinating and beguiling. Awesome flash fiction

[Hi]

I am not a grammar expert; probably stuff you could reword, but it reads fine in getting the point across and is entertaining. Thanks.

[Samuel Dickens]

Ha! I love it! Your sense of humor tickles me innards.

[Shannon]

Thank you. Sometimes, one just has to see a story and commit it to paper.

[Lyn Anderson]

What a great little story. Love it. I had a similar experience coming home from my wisdom teeth surgery. Mine was a river porpoise. LOL
PS, I think you missed the I in "if I get confused ..."

[Shannon]

Lol. I love that you have a similar story! Thank you for stopping by to read and review!
I left out all personal pronouns except husband's words. I thought I fit the pain and exhaustion. It also helped me wedge the story into 100 words!

[Lyn Anderson]

Ah, ok, then perhaps for grammar's sake it could be getting or becoming

[Shannon]

Excellent suggestion! Thanks.

[Lyn Anderson]

You are very welcome.

[TimeTunerTrish]

Haha, I really love the ending!

[Shannon]

Thank you for the read and review!

[NathanielAlexander]

I like it! Short sweet and to the point, not to mention funny. Loved the ending! Nice work!

[Shannon]

Thanks. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review.

[EdgarAllanPoet]

Not bad for a short story. I'm impressed with your talent.

[Shannon]

Thank you for stopping by to read and review. Appreciate it!

[EdgarAllanPoet]

I'm happy to do so any time!

[Archia]

I love the end, it mademe laugh so much. I was wondering where it was going to go, and I can't say I expected a response like that from the husband. The short sentences worked, it made it quick and each word served a purpose without being flowery. Very enjoyable short piece.

[Lost, n'MT]

My favorite two lines;

"and a man walking a giant beige turtle." and

"Husband looks past me for a long moment then answers "more like a tortoise, I think".

The visual this brings is very humorous and I enjoyed this story. I wish I had something to contribute constructively, but I must know... did the turtle/potential tortoise have a leash?

A very enjoyable 100 word read. I liked this quite a bit, mostly for the visuals it had triggered.

[Shannon]

Thanks for reading. Glad you saw the humor. Yes, it had sort of a rope around it, I think.

[Lost, n'MT]

Lol, that's fantastic! And you're welcome.