Pennies

A wall to protect

Steel heart, forged in fire

of pain and hurt and betrayal.

Operating on theory,

on knowledge, not emotion.

Saving facts like pennies,

hoarded in a jar.

A pale imitation of love,

of wonder and dreams.

Hiding from the world

that chisel, forged in hope,

in laughter and beauty.

Author's Note

This was based on a prompt from a friend, who is convinced I can do this poetry thing. I have not yet marked the prompt words, because I do not want to draw attention to them on first read, I am hoping they integrated well enough not to stand out terribly.

I am open to all constructive feedback. I am most curious if the format works and if the quasi-repetition feels strong (like I intended) or boring?

That's a lot of notes, for a tiny little poem!

Reviews

[hcarson]

i actually love this style from you si.mi and IP is correct, you are a natural writer, in every form, you always write well, no matter what it is...am i jealous?? ABSOLUTELY!!! this is a fantastiv piece, i love the line '' saving facts like pennies and hoarding them in a jar''...brings brilliant imagery to mind..as well as my partner who has the ability to do just that...i couldn't find a jar so my mum gave me a culinder haha..you really should write more poetry..total natural, love this, full marks

[Shannon]

Thank you, this means a lot to me. I came On here expecting to grow, but not head back into poetry, which I haven't done in decades (maybe all the darkness is my inner adolescent coming out?)

[hcarson]

let it come..it makes fantastic reading :)

[Bacchus]

Hoarded like pennies...
this makes me think of small things- these facts
are being held in for some reason.

I can't discern if there are tiny wrongs that have been committed against this person that really aren't that big of a deal... but when added up they come pouring out in hate. (like someone who keeps a record of wrongs.)

or if they are positive facts that this hard heart needs to release in a celebration of life to someday come.

I really like it up to the wonder and dreams part.... then i get a bit thrown off.
But my conclusion is poetry is so up your ally.

[Shannon]

Thank you very much. I appreciate the feedback.
The pennies were ambiguous. Depends on how you want to view it. The last stanza not really working yet...but based on the word I need to use, I feel like it is in the right realm.

[Stan Lee]

Well done S.Mi. I always get stuck with prompts but you've done a good job here. I believe you can do this poetry thing too. Keep writing - I'm sure it can only get better over time. :)

[Shannon]

Thank you very much! I guess we will see....

[Warrior]

This had a beautiful message!

[Shannon]

thank you!