Pennies

A wall to protect

Steel heart, forged in fire

of pain and hurt and betrayal.

Operating on theory,

on knowledge, not emotion.

Saving facts like pennies,

hoarded in a jar.

A pale imitation of love,

of wonder and dreams.

Hiding from the world

that chisel, forged in hope,

in laughter and beauty.

Author's Note

This was based on a prompt from a friend, who is convinced I can do this poetry thing. I have not yet marked the prompt words, because I do not want to draw attention to them on first read, I am hoping they integrated well enough not to stand out terribly.

I am open to all constructive feedback. I am most curious if the format works and if the quasi-repetition feels strong (like I intended) or boring?

That's a lot of notes, for a tiny little poem!

Reviews

[hcarson]

i actually love this style from you si.mi and IP is correct, you are a natural writer, in every form, you always write well, no matter what it is...am i jealous?? ABSOLUTELY!!! this is a fantastiv piece, i love the line '' saving facts like pennies and hoarding them in a jar''...brings brilliant imagery to mind..as well as my partner who has the ability to do just that...i couldn't find a jar so my mum gave me a culinder haha..you really should write more poetry..total natural, love this, full marks

[Shannon]

Thank you, this means a lot to me. I came On here expecting to grow, but not head back into poetry, which I haven't done in decades (maybe all the darkness is my inner adolescent coming out?)

[hcarson]

let it come..it makes fantastic reading :)

[James Whitefall]

I like the poem, but the 7th line threw me off. I wish I had your skill at these short poems I'm reading. I may not know much, but I'm impressed. Thanks for the read.

[Shannon]

Its a learning curve, for sure....

[Shabeeh Haider]

Looks like a person we have met at some stage of life. Your words paint a very clear picture.
Very nice to read.

[Shannon]

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read and review. I am glad it is clear. I, too imagined most people have met this person.

[mattavelli]

This one read a lot better when I ignored the punctuation. It is a lovely description of a personality. Whose is it?

[Shannon]

Hmm good question. Many people over a lifetime. Haven't we all met this person?
Punctuation in poetry baffles me, frankly.

[mattavelli]

Ya, line breaks are tough when there is no rhyme. Haha
One option is to remove the punctuation and give each clause it's own line. Another would be to keep the current layout, but give it punctuation as you would any other writing. As it is, you have some odd sentences.

[Shannon]

Lol. Thanks for the ideas. I will try to look with fresh eyes.
Lol. I kind of like odd.

[Woody]

sumptuous write. you may be new to poetry but you're a natural, S. love it.

a tiny something. because "chisel" lacks an object, which I think is intended, shouldn't there be a comma after it?

[Shannon]

Thank you, I guess this one is a hit! And punctuation, especially in poetry always gives me pause ;), so thanks for the tip.

[busterlee]

Very good. What is the chisel?

[Shannon]

Thanks for stopping by to read and the kind words.

[sinNsincerity]

Use a shotgun to open it. I toss jars into the sea.
You shouldn't be so self conscious about writing. Don't worry, I am too, but f**k it! Just write what drives you crazy at night, write your heart out, and write your soul out and your writing will connect with so many people on several levels. It's magik really!
I, personally, like to focus on the words rather than what the writer is trying to say. I could never get into the writer's head, but the words travel through mine. I hope people would do so with my writing.
These lines totally made it for me, "Operating on theory,/on knowledge, not emotion."
This is where I am in life right now. Total monkhood.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am kind of the same. The words travel through my head.

[Emily]

Loved this!
Very creative!
Keep it up!!

[Shannon]

Thank you for stopping by to read. and the extremely kind words.

[barleygirl]

This is a poignant & realistic view of someone's life, using vivid analogies thru-out. Even tho your metaphors are mixed, each one paints a strong message about life. I don't really like your last line, either . . . is it really necessary?

[Shannon]

Hmmm....good point. Just delete the last line altogether? Do you feel the chisel is okay in there, without a purpose named?

[barleygirl]

I think your chisel is a good tie-back to the first stanza, being a tool of the forge.

[Shannon]

Excellent. Also I was so focused on the content of the review, I forgot the thank you for taking the time to read and leave feedback. So thank you!

[Urja Gokani]

amazingly written keep it up :)

[Shannon]

Thank you for the encouraging words!

[Urja Gokani]

welcome :)