Pennies

A wall to protect

Steel heart, forged in fire

of pain and hurt and betrayal.

Operating on theory,

on knowledge, not emotion.

Saving facts like pennies,

hoarded in a jar.

A pale imitation of love,

of wonder and dreams.

Hiding from the world

that chisel, forged in hope,

in laughter and beauty.

Author's Note

This was based on a prompt from a friend, who is convinced I can do this poetry thing. I have not yet marked the prompt words, because I do not want to draw attention to them on first read, I am hoping they integrated well enough not to stand out terribly.

I am open to all constructive feedback. I am most curious if the format works and if the quasi-repetition feels strong (like I intended) or boring?

That's a lot of notes, for a tiny little poem!

Reviews

[hcarson]

i actually love this style from you si.mi and IP is correct, you are a natural writer, in every form, you always write well, no matter what it is...am i jealous?? ABSOLUTELY!!! this is a fantastiv piece, i love the line '' saving facts like pennies and hoarding them in a jar''...brings brilliant imagery to mind..as well as my partner who has the ability to do just that...i couldn't find a jar so my mum gave me a culinder haha..you really should write more poetry..total natural, love this, full marks

[Shannon]

Thank you, this means a lot to me. I came On here expecting to grow, but not head back into poetry, which I haven't done in decades (maybe all the darkness is my inner adolescent coming out?)

[hcarson]

let it come..it makes fantastic reading :)

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Shannon,
I can see the substance within. To me the feeling is a spirit which has been shattered and soul which cannot trust. " Steel heart forged in fire, of hurt, pain and betrayal."operating on theory........says a vast amount. The result? Hiding from the world............ Pennies was very deep and meaningful to the layers of baggage we can carry around and still function in this life...............bless you for sharing something like this Kathy

[Lost, n'MT]

"Steel heart, forged in fire

of pain and hurt and betrayal."

Strong open, but the powerful ending really makes this poem for me.

Though I am not as familiar with this style, I enjoy it and thought it worked well. I don't feel this draws attention to being a prompt, as I didn't realize until I read the word prompt. So they definitely do not standout from perspective. I would definitely say the format works as I had enjoyed this.

[Shannon]

Not many people choose the ending in this one. I am glad that you enjoyed it. The style is extremely free form. But for some reason the semi repetition appeals to me when I am writing. Thank you for reading and reviewing my writing.

[Lost, n'MT]

I am surprised to hear not many choose the ending, although I can understand if they choose the begin as I really enjoyed that a lot as well. I re-read it again, and I still think the end is the most powerful and such an essential part of this poem.

You're very welcome!

[Papaya]

They stand well on their own, whatever they are. Really like this one S.Mi.

Especially given the our own phased our penny. I think those thoughts, dreams, plans, whatever they are you need to act on them because one day they may also be obsolete.

We've lost our common cents in Canada. :) Eh?

[Shannon]

Thank you for reading. This poem might one day be seen as archaic.

[Papaya]

yup, although maybe 'classic' sounds better. :)

[Gee]

Is this a self portrait in words. Loved, saving facts like pennies hoarded in a jar. Sweet.

[Shannon]

Thanks for stopping by to read. That line seems to be a favourite. Not a self portrait no. But a portrait of sorts.

[Nisreen]

Well
my take on this one
Some waltz through life with little sentiment within
forgetting that pennies are lifeless
Holding onto them too much
Makes one's heart feel just as hard and empty as a coin

[Shannon]

Thanks you for reading. You are right little sentiment.

[Brea]

Beautiful! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, even for such a short poem.

[Shannon]

Thanks for stopping by to read. Generally, my poems are short, my stories long!

[d]

i only read the poem once. it sounds nice. i did not let myself get too deep into meaning. i don't think anything stands out as a prompt word, and i think that life is a prompt anyway - all the more appropriate if someone says it. ...and don't be so hard on yourself. just write and have fun or some kind of satisfaction. if you felt like posting it, it has something that you want. i too think you can do this poetry thing. now having read it a couple times more, i think the first two stanzas and the tension they create is great and really sets the tone.

[Shannon]

Thank you for stopping by and for such an encouraging review. I guess I need to get over how incredulous I am about this whole process and just enjoy it.

[d]

yes yesssss

[DreamsFloat]

You choose your words wisely, enjoyable read

[Shannon]

Thank you for the read. Tried to pick one that might appeal to you...

[DreamsFloat]

I have much to learn I am still a beginner

[Shannon]

Me too. And I am afraid to say I am not always terrible helpful with poetry. Occasionally, I see a word or phrase that doesn't fit and think of an alternative. But that's about it.

[DreamsFloat]

your audience thinks otherwise be more confident