haiku (still forest breathing)

lets give this a try

still forest breathing

inhale exhale inhale stop

nature holds her breath

Author's Note

To you poets out there: Am I on the right track? Complete off base? What is your take on titling?
Thank you Dhiman for inspiration!

Reviews

[J.Arthur.B]

give space between lines so it will be read slower, given breath to the poem. i kind feel is a poem to read slowly.

poems has no rules, so you can give it a shoot and put empty spaces every were in order to create notions of rythum or breath

i usually read mine outloud to hear his tempo

regards

[Shannon]

I tend to read them aloud as well. I feel like the the spacing makes sense. Since this kind of peom does have rules, I may check in with my mentors, to make sure the spacing thing is acceptable. Thank you for both the read and the feedback!

[Dave]

Shannon - this is beautifully done. The haiku, unless I'm mistaken, uses the minimum to create a maximum. You have portrayed a very strong and very much alive image. Thank you.

[Shannon]

Yes, there are rules about syllables and that sort of thing.

Thank you for stopping by to read.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

S.mI,
I felt that your feelings were portrayed perfectly. For me the woods does seem to hold it's breath. It's awe grabs my soul!! Thank you for sharing this because I could really identify how it feels to be a part of nature like this...................Bless you much. Kathy

[Shannon]

Thank you so much Kathy. This one seems to speak to people in lots of ways.

[Papaya]

I think it's spot on. I can see the forest expanding and contracting as the sun rises and sets.

[Shannon]

Oh, very interesting, Papaya!

[Selena D. Harper]

Haiku? This sounds pretty awesome. I'm assuming that the forest is breathing here after a stormy night or may be just breathing in its own beautiful way. Anyway a fresh air touched my cheek as I read this poem. Not familiar with the form though. Good job again. How many more works you have like this?

[Shannon]

Thank you. There are many interpretations of this one I like them all. Do you mean how many other haiku?

[Lost, n'MT]

Still new to hakius
I enjoy your beginnings
Look forward to more.

My experience with haikus are very limited, but I will share my opinion. I really like the first and last line, but I feel the second line could be tweaked, though I like what it expresses. Neutral about title, but I would omit haiku from the title as I don't feel it's necessary. As for the haiku itself, I love imagery and calmness expressed and exhibited. Though I feel the last line can be open for interpretation and has me wondering why nature holds her breath.

Though only 17 syllables like haikus are, I found enjoyment and beauty in this piece. Most haikus I have read don't stick out, but this one was enjoyable and left me wondering. Well done! I hope you continue to write more poetry and/or haikus.

Was just inspired to write a follow-up haiku to yours.

The sun watches on
As no breath goes unnoticed
Nature watches back.

[Shannon]

First off, you should post your haiku on your page!
Interesting. My favourite part is the part you don't love. But you are right, it maybe doesn't strictly fit the nature thing. I feel like it does though...
I do appreciate the review. Always. Thanks.

[Lost, n'MT]

I appreciate the recommendation. Perhaps I'll start writing haikus and eventually share them as a collection.

That is interesting. However, I feel it would be the equilvanet of me saying I like paintings of oceans compared to you potentially liking paintings of landscapes or something along those lines. I believe all writing is subjective, I'd imagine haikus even more so than most. If it's your favorite part, I would keep it. If you wish to change it, I'd recommend changing it to something that becomes your new favorite line.

Also, I would like to clarify that I don't feel the second line didn't fit the nature thing. I personally thought it didn't flow as well which seems extra difficult for a haiku in my perspective. I think you can work with what you have, and something like, "Exhaling for all to see" or "Exhaling for all to feel". But yes, I do agree that it does fit. I just feel it could flow better with keeping the same theme, line, and words. Just re-arranging it makes can make it flow better, in my opinion.

You're welcome, I hope could be of some help.

[Shannon]

I imagined breathing with the words. So the choppiness follows that. Then holding breath. In my mind it's the second before a storm breaks or a predators stricksm

[Lost, n'MT]

Ah, well then you just took me a completely different path from what I was interpreting. Your line makes more sense from your perspective.

After hearing that, the line that pops in my head would be, "Exhales before the unknown". Though I have a greater appreciation and better understanding for your line after hearing your perspective and the thought process behind it.

[Nisreen]

I guess this is how i would feel if i were standing in a forest
like mother nature
inhaling and exhaling life ......

[Shannon]

Thanks for the read and review

[Brandon Shae]

Splendid write, many do not realize all life is breathing all at once, we're all related.

[Shannon]

Thank you so much for stopping by to read.. Sometimes you can feel it.

[Brandon Shae]

Indeed, we can feel it, if only everyone was as in tuned, imagine the harmony

[GalaxyGhost]

I think this poem has the serenity and calm of a forest. The forest is alive and I like how your simple haiku tells that.

[Shannon]

Thank you. It's hard for me to scale back the words.

[Coyote Poetry]

Beautiful. You create perfect place to know and find. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Shannon]

Thank you so much for reading. This was my very first attempt at a poem outside those dreary assignments at school 20 years ago. Appreciate the kind words.

[Coyote Poetry]

You did well and you are welcome.

[James Whitefall]

I like the first two lines, but the 3rd one left me thinking why. I'll have to reflect on this a bit. Thanks for the read.

[Shannon]

Third line internationally open to interpretation... I could tell you what I thought, but more impactful if find your own...

[James Whitefall]

Well the obvious could be things like global warming, or deforestation, but I was hoping it would be more mysterious and whimsical than that. It made me feel like I was reading a fantasy scene out of a book.

[Shannon]

Nothing do dire or man made, in my mind. I like where you are going.... But I was thinking more natural.