Lights

Something a little different...

She doesn’t know how she got here….where’s here…here….giggle...here.

Things are kinda foggy…why are things so hard to see

And she is cold…why is she so cold

No shoes…sob…and the ground is that hard kind that stays cold

But the lights are beautiful….really pretty…chase them…catch them…like fireflies…

Oh that hur-

Author's Note

This is a complete departure for me. Any feedback would be helpful. I was trying to paint a picture, in my own way, did I manage? Poetry or prose?

Reviews

[hcarson]

there is definititely a bit of both prose and poetry in this, which is just how i like my poetry...if that makes sense haha, sometimes all out poetry can lose me in the point its trying to make with to many comparisons andto much expression that i forget what i first started reading haha so i really liked this, its intriquing,clear and spooky!! the open end brings visions of a person impaling themselves/ running off the edge of a cliff/ in front of a car...so many twisted scenarios that our minds can warp a simple sentence into...love it, full marks off me!!!

[Shannon]

Thank you. I even had several ideas of what the story could be, so I decided to keep it vague enough that readers could put her in any number of situations. Although,growing up and living in Western Canada (but not far enough west for mountains), a cliff never occurred to me! How are physical context impacts reading!

[hcarson]

yea i suppose it is where barry is built into the side of a huge hill and there are big cliff type drops over the beach at certain parts so as a danger it was one of the first to come to mind for me, it is crazy how anything can be rearranged and transfered to fit what we know, loved it will look forward to the next one :)

[Shannon]

I love that context shapes us and that people are willing to share their context! Lets just say, where I am from you are way more likely to freeze to death in a snow storm because there are not enough landmarks (all prairie or trees) than fall off a cliff!

[hcarson]

i love that, lots of trees...i was meant to be born in the countryside...i was made to pick up cow crap!! some people dream of high flying jobs..i would love to be surrounded by animals mooing and quacking all over the place..be great...to much concrete where i live :{

[Kathy Van Kurin]

"Lights"
Shannon,
The above lines speak to what would make a good lead in for a story. I can appreciate the bit of detail as to presence and feeling.
"She doesn't know how she got here.."'
"things are kinda foggy..why are things so hard to see?"
"and she is cold.."
"no shoes...sob.l."
I wondered is this reverence to the lights had to do with the northern lights. Or another possibility is she is experiencing a death transition and her soul is changing somehow.
The ending is different:
"Oh that hur-" A broken sentence because of death or becoming unconscious mid sentence.
This is a very good possible lead in for a
novel and it has enough information to continue on.
It was fun and interesting.
Blessings,
Kathy

[Jon Roggie]

Kathy nailed it. Does she wake up? Do we find ourselves on a crime scene?

[Kathy Van Kurin]

This was a challenging one but that is goood.
Challenge is always good. Our very beings thrive under challenge. The above line is nice too. I don't know if I nailed it but who does not need a little affirmation. Does she wake up? Yea......I get it. Good call.

[Shannon]

Sorry it took me so long to get here. This one was a excersize in allowing for ambiguity. I had a thought in mind for what it might be, but was interested in how others perceive it.
Thank you for the fantastic feedback!

[Samuel Dickens]

A soul rises up through the clouds and sees the beautiful lights above. Behind, and never to be endured again, is the cold earth which once held it. This is what I see.

[Shannon]

That's a lovely interpretation. That you for stopping by to read and review.

[Jacob Clifford]

Huh. Interesting style. The ambiguity, of course, makes this piece. The beginning made me think she was drugged/high, but as it progressed, it seemed to me like she was dying and at the edge of awareness. The last line really drove home that concept of death.

[Shannon]

Thanks Clifford. This was me trying to get comfortable with multiple interpretations of my writing. I had an idea but ambiguity was definitely the point.

[Papaya]

This has me thinking a few different things. She's either stoned or dead. Reaching for the lights. Different. I like it.

[Shannon]

Thanks for stopping by and giving a take. I am surprised by the variety of interpretations.

[Papaya]

It is a bit mysterious. :)

[Shannon]

I left it open ended intentionally. Good practice for me!

[Francisco]

A wonderful description of senses in the edge of awareness.

[Shannon]

Edge of awareness us a beautiful way to describe this. Thank you so much for the insightful words.

[PaintedBirdy]

i really like this poem...

i like how the narrator says what the character experiences, then the character tells what they experience.

"she doesn't know how she got here." i love that line.

i intend to read much of your other writings :)

[Stan Lee]

argh, it's not even a poem! Get it right and review the one I told you to review!

[PaintedBirdy]

no! i may be half in love with you Andronicus but you can't tell me what to do!!!!!!!

fine....i'll do whatever you tell me to do :/ i'm sorry.

[Shannon]

Thank you for stopping by to read. Appreciate the constructive comments about narrator and character's speaking.

[Lost, n'MT]

Though I am very unfamiliar with prose, I believe this would be classified as more prose than poetry from my perspective. Though I also see elements of poetry as well, written in a unique way that's foreign to me.

While my feelings toward this are more neutral, I just feel as if it's incomplete. It feels like internal dialogue from an unknown story that I wish to learn more about if that makes sense.

It leaves me wondering;
How did the narrate get there and where is there?
It appears to be a cold foggy place, but it just leaves this reader curious with unanswered questions. I am not sure if that was partially your intent.

You certainly painted a picture, while leaving the reader wondering and wanting to know more.

I thoroughly enjoyed "But the lights are beautiful….really pretty…chase them…catch them…like fireflies…" which further helps paint the imagery of the setting in this story. However, the piece itself feels incomplete unless the intent was to paint a picture while leaving the reader desiring/wishing to learn more.

And the final line is just a mystery in regards to being interpreted. I wonder what those next letters can be and where this story within this piece was headed... Some guesses for my amusement along with potentially your amusement would be; Hur-ricane, Hurtling, Hurt, Hurdle, Hurds, Hurray, or Hurried.

Perhaps it was directly intended to be open for interpretation, but I still find myself wanting more. I enjoyed the mystery and intrigue along with the unique realistic first-hand self-speak. I will be looking more into prose.

[Shannon]

This was an early attempt at ambiguity. Some people got it, some didn't take the leap with me. read moreThis was an early attempt at ambiguity. Some people got it, some didn't take the leap with me.

Thanks for stopping by to read.

[Lost, n'MT]

Well then, mission accomplished in that regard. I suppose you can consider me an ambiguity seeker.

If I correctly interpreted that last line... Clever.

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[Barbara Walker]

It captured my attention. Let's the reader really use their imagination! Mine was pretty dark! At first, I thought of a younger person who was dead and didn't in know it, but then I got to the part about the fireflies and was completely thrown off.

[Shannon]

Thanks for reading. Left it vague on purpose. People's ideas have been interesting. I could tell you where it comes from... But that might ruin it for you...

[Jean Carlos]

It has a very nice feel to it, I enjoyed it.

[Shannon]

Thank you glad you took time to read.

[Lola]

I really enjoyed your work! Good job.

[Shannon]

Thanks! Appreciate time to read and comment