Shiny New Red Bicycle

For those who see the humor in the everyday.

We set out to buy my husband a new bicycle, my son and I.  In his preschool enthusiasm, he knows one thing: it must be red.  I know the size required and that my husband’s birthday is tomorrow; he will be truly surprised, as I have had to save for months for this purpose. We will leave it in our neighbors home until morning, then surprise him with it at breakfast.  It is the first time I have managed such a surprise.

I am relived, upon arriving at the big box store, that one the appropriate bikes in my price range is red.  My little boy is thrilled that his dad’s new bike will match his own.  I pay for the purchase and take it to the parking lot.  Where my plan very rapidly begins to fall apart.

I try to put the bike across the back seat to no avail. No matter which angle I try and how I move the handle bars, it is not even close. Perhaps I can somehow prop it in the front?  I am unable to even get the whole bike in the front, as the angles on the bicycle and the angles on the door prove to be completely incompatible. Aha!  The back seat folds down into the trunk.  Surely I have room for one adult sized bike in the trunk and back set combined!  No such luck.

I am rapidly running out of ideas and my son is rapidly running out of patience.  I have no rope and worry that I will not be able to secure the bike to my car securely enough to manage to get up the large hill that run through the city and looms between where I am now and where I need to be, using the bungee cords.  I finally settle on going back into the store to call my father in law to bring his van.

During the wait, I coach my son on what a surprise means, how it is different from lying and how much dad will like his surprise in the morning. My father in law comes to my rescue and the bike is safely transported to my home and tucked away in my neighbors front room.  My husband is already home. 

My son, very keen on keeping our surprise very confidently tells his father: “Dad, we didn’t buy you a bike today”!

Author's Note

A few of my oldest Café friends have commented recently about this, my very first story in 20 years.

Someone wisely pointed out how humorous my brief foray into this topic was in my last piece. So I wrote this one in response.

Reviews

[Woody]

fun little write, S. I like the description of the struggle to ft the bike in the car. that's funny. you managed to create a clear picture in the reader's mind.
the last line's the cherry on the cake. children can come up with the most astounding sentences.
no suggestions for improvement except check your tenses. you chose to tell the story in the present tense but at times lapsed iinto the past.
"no matter which angle I tried........"
"I coached my son"
this sometimes happens to me when I choose the present tense.

[Shannon]

Thank you so much for the read. And the feedback. Funny thing is, this is somethings I often catch in other people's writings! I will make changes once I am on a desk top!

[barleygirl]

I love the way kids' perspectives are so fresh & not in keeping with our expectations! This is a very cute vignette describing the situation perfectly.

Here's a little improvement for future writes . . . to me, the crux of your story is this conversation with your son, where you're explaining the difference between lying and a surprise. It would be much improved if you could actually craft this scene into dialogue, showing us how your son is looking as he processes your lesson . . . (whenever I find myself DESCRIBING a conversation, I know it's time to buckle down & make myself do the hard work of SHOWING instead of TELLING . . . dialogue takes more time, but it's well worth it!)

[Shannon]

Thank you, both for reading and the feedback. I may try that! I know it sounds rather formal or prim, but I decided I liked it that way.

I have also received about comment on punctuation and am wondering if you have any comments about it?

[barleygirl]

First line, second paragraph, I think "relived" is meant to be "relieved." There's nothing about grammar & punctuation that jumps out at me. You have a good mix of short & long sentences. There might be a sentence fragment in a couple places, but some people do this on purpose.

[Shannon]

Thank you so much. I do use fragments intentionally, at times. Begin with conjunctions (And) a lot. I think it creates some choppiness that I sometimes enjoy.

[Bacchus]

Oh my- to get the bike into the car. I also tried to do this with five kids in tow. Thankfully it was a bike for my 10 year old. But the wrestling must have been a sight to see.
And oh, kids and what they say. I'd break up the paragraphs more so we can get the flow.
Fun topic.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the feedback and for reading. Do you have a suggestion for a paragraph break?

[Bacchus]

I'd start the second to last paragraph with "During the wait...
Then the last line and paragraph to be "My son, very keen
Just my thoughts.

[Shannon]

Thank you, I may just do that. either way I appreciate the time and feedback!

[Hollowed_knight]

I liked the short vignette. It was simple, it was heartfelt. I liked how grounded it reads, it seems real and that is just wonderful. I'd check for some punctuation errors here and there, and a couple of phrases could be a bit more streamlined, but all in all I think I'll give ye a solid thumbs up.

An artist knows when to stop, and your piece here is just the right kind of short and sweet.

[Barbara Walker]

This is a great story! Grammar and syntax are very nice to see. The subject is one people never tire of...well, people with children anyhow! It's always funny to see how long it takes and in what way kids let the cat out of the bag! Nice to meet you.

[Shannon]

Thank you very much! It was going to be a story about trying to get a bike in a car and ended up being a story about my son and I!

[justdandy]

I love it. Especially the last line. Perfect way to end a writing piece.

[Shannon]

Thank you very much!

[Jacob Clifford]

Whew, that was close! That kid almost spoiled everything! This was a fun little story. As for the structure and wording of the sentence, it feels a bit rough in a way that appears to me to be caused by a lack of experience, or perhaps, if you've written before, that you're rusty. It's nothing that can't be solved with a little more practice (I find most problems can be solved that way, haha). I hope you keep on writing!

[Shannon]

Thank you for the feedback. I am very new at this, although you are right, (many, many) years ago I did do more.
I found the voice that came up when I started writing was very stuffy and sort of oddly prim. since It contradicted this woman trying to shove a bike in her car so goofily, I went with it!

[Jacob Clifford]

I can certainly see the appeal of that approach, haha.

[hcarson]

hasha this is hilarious...i have sooo been in this position..determined to fit and entire households worth of things into a small van in one trip etc to save money..and your son at the end!..as funny at that is i bet you wanted to throttle him haha, the amount of times they will drop a parent right in it bless them :) this story is excellent and the structure and writing good as well, it held me from the start and had me giggling all the way, you tell a good story :)..keep them coming :) full marks

[Shannon]

Thank you for the positive feedback. I so needed it. I was so happy with my first one and did not know how to follow it up. So I used your comment. I am happy for the giggling.

[hcarson]

i always find things like that funny, i can't help it, plus the way you state it so simply mkkes it sound even funnier, brillient haha :)

[busterlee]

This sounds like a journal entry. I would bet money that this really happened. I loved it, not a pretentious word in it. I hate reading something that the writer obviously spent most of his time looking up synonyms.

[Shannon]

I am glad you liked it. I sometimes like big words (a curse and blesding). But as this came out so stuffy sounding, I decided it didn't need flowery stuff. I thought the ridiculous story with how proper it sounded was funnier.
It is, indeed true. Check out my other piece, which is completely different, for some context.

[KWP]

hahahaha - ooops !!!! well lucky he sais 'didn't' otherwise, well the surprise would have been ruined !!! X

[Shannon]

Yes, that was his exact logic. Thanks for reading.