Drowning Paranoia

A Poem by SMcIlhon

How dumb I must have looked
in my plaid shirt and blue jeans
walking to the door of a party
I had no right to enter.

The lions den laughed,
into their plastic cups of cheap
watered-down beer,
and pointed with precision.

Wanna-be grownups grew
whiskered beards and drank
whiskey in their silent attempt
to be their parents.

I could feel their eyes.
Rap music mixed with mindless
conversation to cage me
uncomfortable.

My paranoia, in my place
or lack of one, drowned my ears
with words of why
I should be embarrassed.

Clarity met confidence, and armed
with neither, I said my hellos
and goodbyes between breaths back to
the car-crowded street.

Even then, I was so unsure
what I was running from. Even now
I look back at the road - from humiliation
to safety - and laugh at my dying curiosity
not to find out.