Last Night's Perfume

 

Last Night's Perfume

 

The white light peeks through the blinds

catching her only,

missing the shredded gray comforter

that keeps us close,

missing me entirely,

as if solely to illuminate

her seamless back.

How beautiful an object can be

from afar. Her body rests on the bed,

in perfect symmetry,

like bars of repeated musical notes.

Strands of her delicate brown hair

dance slowly

with the rusted ceiling fan

and the intoxicating smell

of last night's perfume.

Dirty socks and faded jeans

flow over an old wicker wastebasket

to the floor, as if crawling

for an exit. 

Soft noise from the fan

provides the room's only sound.

It's the stillness of waiting

for an alarm to go off

when you've been up for hours.  We

posture.  Me, as if looking

at abstract art, not wanting

to be bothered.  Her,

just needing another ride home

from a suddenly undesirable place.

But still here she lies,

staring blankly into the west wall,

contemplating, as if

she were already gone.

Reviews

[mR668]

Love your metaphors & imagery! Felt like I was there. Very nice write!

[Mark]

This poem starts out so beautifully, in a mode I know too well: the secret contemplation of one's beloved. But it rapidly becomes more complex, ending by posing more questions than it answers: Why is he so smitten with her?; Why does he presume (even as she sleeps) that she's anxious to be shed of him?; Who IS she, anyway--a prostitute, a barfly or floozie, or just another confused young woman who erroneously believes sex will quell her inner demons? Or was the sexual episode perhaps involuntary!?; If she is "staring blankly", is she already awake, feigning sleep so as to avoid interaction with him, or so wrapped up in her self-loathing that there is no room for additional words?; Why "west wall"--the sunset side--is she perhaps dead, and is that why he has spent wakeful hours contemplating her? Is it that surcease that is her "another ride home"? A beautiful, challenging, evocative, dread-fraught piece!

[Water_the_Sun]

Another great piece. I love your imagery, as ive said before, its genius.

You did a great job of conveying the scene and the emotions felt by both parties.

It flows well, as usual, the last line confused me abit at first, because im just dumb like that sometimes:P but yeah

all in all another brilliant piece:)

[Papercuts.Hate.You.Too]

wooow
ilove it
sooooooo much
its soo detailed
defidently keep writing
leylia

[Alyssa Dufresne]

AMAZING!

[C. Porter]

I love how you used detail in everything. It paints a picture and has good flow.

[..R.I.P..]

Wow, the imagery is amazing. The words flow well together to paint a picture in the readers mind. The foreshadowing is brilliant, the way the emotion is just there in every word. The guy obviously is crazy about this chick but she is ready to run, probably from the one thing she does want to happen: to fall for this guy? Just guessing on that one.

Thanks for sharing.

[Paladin4life]

I like that the piece is filled with detail. The whole scene comes to life on the canvas of the mind. It seems the relationship between the two mentioned characters is unequal. The speaker practically worships the woman while it seems she is ready to run for it. Alas how often do we find ourselves in these kinds of relationships. Anyways thanks for posting the poem. I enjoyed it. God bless!

[Courtney]

hey i remember reading this one. it's REALLY good. this is the one you got a perfect score on right?
1) great imagery
2) can posture be a verb? not sure. did peirce say anything about that?
3) while reading it, I was confused by the simile "Dirty socks and faded jeans/flow over an old wicker wastebasket/to the floor, as if crawling/for an exit." But then when I got to the end, I saw that it was kind of foreshadowing her complacent feelings. Really awesome. But what about putting "her crumpled blouse and faded jeans" or something so it's a more distinct foreshadowing of her feelings (cuz he's completely into her right?). I may be wrong about this. Either way, it's really good. :)

[Cherry Berry]

This is a tender and whimsical piece. I enjoyed reading. The imagery is amazing. Well penned.
xox
Cherri