In the Night * A

ch. 13

13 - In the Night * A

            The boat slid gently, creaking softly through the waters, it was a still night. “It looks like we might get back a bit early.” James looked out at the sea.

            “Mm.”

            “I hope things are still cool…”

            “Mm…”

            James turned to the dark figure sitting in the shadows, “You aren’t worried?” No answer, “Loa!” He walked over to his friend, “I’m worried, and not just about them, but you too. You’ve been zoning out more and more you’re thinking about her again aren’t you?”

“…mm…..”

            James pulled him up, “Look at me! Look! When are you going to wake up? She’s dead! She died when Sam died, there’s nothing you can do! Why the hell do you keep chasing after that ghost!?” James waited, but not answer came only the usual humming sound. “Agh! Fine, but can you at least try to keep it together long enough to help them out?” He let go and walked off to the other side of the boat.

            Loa sat back down, he knew James was right, but he couldn’t let go of that phantom of old. Lately he could no longer silence the memories of old, in those boys he saw himself, his old self now dwelled with him passing him every day on the island, simply chanting 'quiet' wouldn’t mend him now. He looked up to the moon, as though he was expecting the fortresses to come hovering over, glittering with that wicked beauty, he shut his eyes. Zhu, are you still up there? If so is there any part of you left? Or is there only a shell for the madness that takes everyone? James tells me that it’s time to move on, that there are others who care about me, who need me, but…how can I? I’ve made a mistake, one that I can never fix, no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I wish…I should have never left you alone there. I should have made you come, I shouldn’t have given up on you so soon. It wasn’t until after we left, and James got hurt that I realized what it was you were feeling. If you are going to make it in that awful place you need someone, a brother, a sister, a friend, anyone. Someone to stand beside you, someone to care for you, someone to keep you sane. If you have no one…you’ll die. Die or go crazy... to lose yourself to that place is the same as death. You needed Sam, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to leave, and have you at my side, not caring at all how you felt. And because of that…you may be lost forever. I tried to forget, I tried to bury it, and you, but then they came, and it all bubbled up again. Zhuang I--"

            The crash of a wave brought him back to the present and at least for now he was back in the world of the living. The sky was empty only the moon and the stars, not a fortress in sight, he wondered then, was it that part of him wanted them to stay? Perhaps then he might have a chance to find her, to tell her what he’d wanted to say all that time. He realized then his dream was but a shallow cover for his one selfish wish, to undo that mistake, to save her from collapsing in, to show her the world wasn’t so hopeless and cruel, that there was still life worth living even for them. Yet he knew, there was no child on that island that could ever be an adequate substitute for her. Still he’d decided, even so this was the path he’d walk. Loa exhaled, a weight had been lifted, even if the sorrow remained, it didn’t seem so heavy now. We wandered over to the other side of the boat where he found James staring out at sea, “Sorry. I really am, I know I’m causing you trouble.”

            James laughed a bit, “Ah, don’t worry about it. I’ve stuck with you through worse, its Sylvie you oughta apologize to. She’s been tearing her hair out over you.” James turned to face him, “…I haven’t been fair, it wasn’t right to try and make you forget, just…try to stay awake, alright?”

            And in the night they resolved to keep moving forward even if it was just to make peace with a phantom of old.