The Lovers

I don't really know, this kind of just came to me, I guess it's my version of love and it's "happy" ending.

They stood together in each others embrace. Holding each other so gently yet so closely and tightly. A mutual feeling that no matter what the universe may throw at them they would survive. Pouring every feeling they had their whole lives into this one incredible moment. A moment frozen in time, a moment that now was their only thought. Together they only dreamed that this would truly never end, and when it did there will be a life full of these moments.

Memories seemed to fill their minds as they melded together. Embracing each others mentality and being into each other’s souls. They felt every difference between each other and loved every one. They basked in the essence of each other and fully accepted the flaws as part of their personalities and selves.

Slowly, gradually, the woman pulled her head away from his chest, the man mimicked the motion grudgingly. They pulled away from each other just enough to see into each other’s eyes. Once again caught up in the moment they stared deep in each other’s eyes, remembering all the other times they had looked into those same eyes. Remembering all the time they spent together yet never felt this way for each other; a glistening diamond formed on the corner of the woman’s eye. The diamond formed a shimmering path down her cheek.

The man slowly and deliberately brought his hand to her face and tenderly wiped away the crystal. At his touch she merely was overwhelmed with emotions and produced another jewel. Again he swabbed the gemstone away.

The man brought his head close to her, as if to feel her warmth wash over him. Feeling compelled by an invisible force with the strength of thousands of hands, she brought her head to his. They hovered less than an inch away from each other for a short time. They slowly came together more, only millimeters separated them from sealing their love.

The couple thought that they had heard thunder in the distance. They both couldn’t help but smile at the sound, and they came closer about to finish the act. With a crack the back of the man’s head exploded. The shock sent him back, and the woman frightened, realized what had happened.

The woman looked deep into the man’s dying eyes. In them she saw the world. His feelings of desire and love emanated from those eyes. She beheld his demise, as she watched the fire leave those once vibrate and loving windows to the soul.

She wanted to cry, wanted to unleash her incredibly powerful emotions on the world, but she couldn’t. In the distance the sound of thunder echoed again. She calmly accepted her destiny, but she could not suppress one final gem to escape her. The jewel rolled down her face, but held tight to her chin. With a crack she met the same fate as her dead lover.

The violent shaking knocked the glistening tear off her. It fell, a shimmering diamond in the darkness, that surrounded the world in that moment. And it fell and landed between the dead bodies of these two lovers.

 

Author's Note

This is a first draft and might only be the beginning(or ending) of something bigger, I haven't decided, so feel free to be critical of anything or just tell me what you think.

Reviews

[SR Urie]

Wow. What an ending to such a great depiction of intimacy. Excellent imagery and symbolism from start to finish. Your climax leaves me as the reader holding my palms up and wondering what the hell happened and why it happened to both. Perhaps a disconnected, jealous ex-lover of one of the couple, or a bolt of lightening to punish the sin of love from the cloudless sky. Text and tone flow like the jewels on the girl's cheek. Great work man. Keep it up!
BZ

[K.B. Soriano]

Fine imagery, descriptive statements from beginning to end, but too ambiguous for anything to be represented. The intimacy of the lovers are clearly depicted but then...?

[OceanTropic]

Intense. I was NOT expecting an ending like that at all. With several revisions, this could be brilliant. You could add more detail to the story, I kind of had trouble imagining where they were or what they were doing. I know that's not the point of the story, but if you had mentioned ealier that they were lying down, I would have had a better image in my head.

Overall though I think the concept is great. I loved how you showed the deep emotions BEFORE their deaths, and not after. By doing all of that before, the death comes as more of a shock, and there's a greater emotional response.

Keep working on this. I really liked it. Very traumatizing. I could feel the pain in my stomach.

[Alexander]

Altogether it's really enjoyable, and drags the reader in. I really like the references to jewels. A few things that stole away from the overall affect, though, were a couple of sentences throughout the whole that had some grammatical contradictions...or repititions. Other than that i thought it was really great. The ending's wonderful.