The one thing I didn't understand/didn't make a lot of obvious sense was the phrase "my choices come in a mall." I would suggest changing this to something that fit this line better. The other thing I noted was your use of commas was grammatically incorrect (you need spaces after the commas) but I wasn't sure whether or not this was intention. Otherwise, this was absolutely wonderful.
"Passion breeds perfidy, desperation takes it's toll,
Prayers are seemingly audible only to my soul"
These lines struck a chord in me, mainly because I can relate so well to them. And the ending as well was great; it's so easy to remember feeling so trapped and unable to escape. So desperate to be rescued from temptation or pain.
The way you described these painful and aching sensations was great. I hope you continue to write such jarring things; because, since you didn't focus on length or only rhyming, you used the meaning of your words to convey your ideas. That was a well-used tool on your part. Your mention of Lucifer commanding the elements was haunting and somewhat frightening, another thing you did well.
Overall, great job with your word choice and structure, and I agree with Michael that it was heart-felt and well-written. I, too, am a fan!
Very good questions raised in the poem. We could discuss each set of lines. I learn years ago. I blame myself for my failures. Old age allow you to look back and see the mistakes made. Sin is part of us. Few can escape the desire of sin and error. A wise person will learn and try not to repeat mistakes.
"Truth dissipates the mist in my life,
Treats my wounds and lessens my strife"
Thank you for a outstanding poem. A poem to create thoughts. Goal of a writer.
Coyote
The one thing I didn't understand/didn't make a lot of obvious sense was the phrase "my choices come in a mall." I would suggest changing this to something that fit this line better. The other thing I noted was your use of commas was grammatically incorrect (you need spaces after the commas) but I wasn't sure whether or not this was intention. Otherwise, this was absolutely wonderful.
"Passion breeds perfidy, desperation takes it's toll,
Prayers are seemingly audible only to my soul"
These lines struck a chord in me, mainly because I can relate so well to them. And the ending as well was great; it's so easy to remember feeling so trapped and unable to escape. So desperate to be rescued from temptation or pain.
The way you described these painful and aching sensations was great. I hope you continue to write such jarring things; because, since you didn't focus on length or only rhyming, you used the meaning of your words to convey your ideas. That was a well-used tool on your part. Your mention of Lucifer commanding the elements was haunting and somewhat frightening, another thing you did well.
Overall, great job with your word choice and structure, and I agree with Michael that it was heart-felt and well-written. I, too, am a fan!
"Rain, sleet and snow seem to heed to Lucifer's call,
Raiding my sin induced summer-time bliss and heralding fall"
"Passion breeds perfidy, desperation takes it's toll,
Prayers are seemingly audible only to my soul"
From diction to the rhyme scheme to the concept behind it, this poem is amazing! I'm a fan of sentiment and your poem conveys to me emotion-real heart-felt emotion. This is a winner poem bro...keep your pen moving:)
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