Introduction

All i could hear was the thudding of my own heartbeat, as i lay there in my own sweat, praying that he wouldn't find me.
id had been running from these b******s for the last couple of months and it seems he, and the delinquents he called his crew, had finally caught up to me. I was burning up so much i thought i would spontaneously combust, which would have been a better way out then being found and most likely skinned alive.
Don't you hate when you have to be dead silent but you start breathing hysterically?

S**t!, here they come. I thought to myself.
Footsteps grew closer to the bedroom i was hiding in. Maybe under the bed wasn't the best place to hide, but what do you do when you have just seconds to to either hide or kill yourself? Come to think of it, why didn't i just do that?!

Before i knew it, the bed i was under went flying across the room. The strength behind it was inhuman and it gave me clarity that it was defiantly him.
It scared the s**t out of me to the point my eyes were closed as tight as i could get them and then i heard his voice.
'Looky, looky what i found'. Followed by his deep musky laugh.

I was always told this moment will come. However, it just dawned on me that i wasn't ready.

Author's Note

Please ignore any grammar problems.

Reviews

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hello, Shannon!
Suspense thrillers being my favourite genre, I enjoyed this write immensely. This certainly is a great start and gives a pretty good idea on where things are headed i.e. if you're going to expand it (which I'm sure you will).
I liked especially the description you gave here:

"Don't you hate when you have to be dead silent but you start breathing hysterically?"

So, all in all, it's a good piece and although you've said to ignore grammar problems, I'm sure you would look into it. Also there are some punctuation errors (minor ones) which if you'll fix would make it a more compelling read than it already is.

[SGM-xo]

Thank you for your review, will look back over it to sort out the grammar and punctuation errors.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You're welcome! A pleasure! ☺

[matrixmark]

From the beginning it was clear that the person was hiding from someone, and first line you used was the hook which had me wanting to read on to what or who the preson was hiding from.

Then it gets interesting n the sense that we find out that there iare others chasing her as well as the ring leader of the ensuing pack or 'crew' as you have called it.
Combust or skinned alive - hmm, now thats not much of a choice, but what you have done here is give the reader a sense of dread and how dire the persons situation really is.
I like the sentence 'Look, looky what I found' after the man/monster had flung the bed across the room. It was sarcastic, yet if you imagine it happening to yourself, it would scare the s**t out of anyone.

The last line was a great line to leave the reader wanting to read more and see what happens next between the person being hunted and what the hunter has in store for that person next. I do hope you carry on with the story, because I for one will want to continue reading and see where the story goes from here.

Pointers which I would add are - add more tension into the piece.. for example - fear in the eyes, heart beat reacing, expressions on face, a a malicous grin on the monster/mans face when he finds his prey..etc. By adding these and other thing into the chapter it will invoke more fear into the reader.

The above pointers are there to help and guide you into creating a great story.
Did I enjoy it....Yes I did, I am always a fan of the dark side of writing and love the thrill of the chase scenes.

This was good and keep writing as I feel it will get more exciting as the story progresses.

Mark.

[JayG]

•All i could hear was the thudding of my own heartbeat, as i lay there in my own sweat, praying that he wouldn't find me.

So an unknown person is hiding from someone we don't know, for reasons unknown. As a reader, why should I care? You've given me the effect. But to know what you're talking about shouldn't I know the cause? Fair is fair. You know. The character knows. the person chasing him/her does. But who did you write this for? Shouldn't they be in on the secret, too?

• id had been running from these b******s for the last couple of months and it seems he, and the delinquents he called his crew, had finally caught up to me.

"Those b******s?" A line ago it was only "he." Now it turns out it was lots of people. But why? Not a hint. Where are we in time and space? You don't say. What's mt gender, age, social status, etc.? No way to tell. But the character is supposed to be my avatar. I'm supposed to care. But how can I?

When you read this, it evokes memories and images stored in your mind. So it works. But pity me. My head, as everyone knows, is empty. So when I read, it evokes memories and images stored in YOUR mind. And-you're-not-there-to-ask.

See the problem? You're talking ABOUT the story, and doing so as if the reader has context. Your character isn't thinking about what led to the situation, and how long it's been going on. They're thinking about what they'll do if they are caught.

And THAT'S the story. It lives in their mind, and in their worries, and their planning, not in the details of what's happening. For them this is real, and they can't lose focus for a moment.

But from your viewpoint it's a film playing in your mind, and you're describing and explaining it. But think about it. Wouldn't the reader find living it a lot more exciting?

After all, were you writing a horror novel your task isn't to make the reader know the character feels terror. It's to terrorize the reader. And that takes a very different approach to presenting the story from the nonfiction skills we were given in school.

So keep writing, of course. But at the same time, put some time, and maybe a few dollars aside to acquire the tricks of the trade. Like any other field, there are a lot of things that aren't obvious to those not trained in it. And if you want to write like a pro, doesn't it make sense that you need to know what the pro knows?

So hit the local library's fiction writing section and devour a few books on fiction writing technique. My personal suggestion is to pick up a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. You can download it from any online bookseller, or in hard copy from Deb's site.

Sorry my news isn't better. Still, hang in there. It doesn't get easier, but with study, work, and practice, we can become confused on a higher level.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[J.A. Blackwell]

I have issues with grammar as well... but I still liked this a lot. I really want to know what happens next!

[BM_2211]

Very interesting start. Keep up the good work!

[Lorrie]

Looking forward to reading more of this.