Chapter 18

*Mortal Kombat intro music*

We looked up at the stadium seats, now filled to bursting with colorful characters. I recognized a lot of them. Robbin’ Hood, the Mathlete, the Society of Impropriety...There was no way that was a good sign.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary or otherwise undefined individuals!” Ranvier’s voice crackled to life over the loudspeaker. Down here in the pit, it sounded ten times louder than it had up on the ledge. “That was a pretty great fight, am I right? What a sudden one-eighty in performance by our own Cloud King! I hope you’re all as excited as I am for the rest of the night, because I have a fantastic line up for you! We have some more returning fighters, as I’m sure you’re well aware; fan favorites like Smashcannon, Tripwire, Floobzorg From Planet X, and Greg the Invincible! But that’s not all, folks,” his voice became low and intense. “We’ve got a couple of new combatants in the arena tonight, and they’re eager to prove themselves. At least, they’d better be...their lives depend on it!”

The crowd emitted a deafening roar. I could see little souvenir flags being waved, and foam fingers being pointed up and down. This was totally surreal.

“And speaking of newcomers, we’ve got a couple right here! This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the title fight!”

The crowd roared again, chanting Ranvier’s name.

“I know, I know,” said Ranvier. “You’ve waited a long time for another super powered beatdown, huh? Eight years, to be exact, but it’s been worth it. So without further ado, let me introduce our fighters! Please direct your attention to this portion of the arena!”

An intensely bright spotlight snapped onto Teravolt and me. We threw our hands up to block the blinding light and squinted in order to see anything at all.

“First up, the blonde with anger issues and two differently colored eyes like some sort of freak,” Ranvier said, “A recently turned traitor to the supervillain flock, the newcomer Teravolt!”

A jeer rose up from the crowd. Ranvier really had a knack for riling them up.

“Wearing black, gray, and blue: he’s super fast, super annoying, and an all around goody-two-shoes; you know him, you hate him, he’s the sidekick to the infamous Meteor, it’s Quickdraw!”

The crowd collectively began to boo and throw things at us. We were pelted with sodas, potato chips, and bags of popcorn, and we did our best to avoid being hit while still blinded by the spotlights.

“Okay,” said Teravolt, dodging a soft pretzel. “Now is the time to slip through those weights.”

“Great idea,” I said. “How?”

She looked at me. “Can’t you vibrate your wrists through the cuffs?”

“What?”

“Yeah, like...vibrate your molecules through the metal of the cuffs.”

I paused for a moment to consider it. “...I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Of course it is,” Teravolt said. “Try it.”

What the hell. It couldn’t hurt. I made tiny back-and-forth motions with my wrists, and instantly regretted it when the weights began to smack into my wristbones hard enough that I knew there were going to be bruises later. Also, I was wrong about it not hurting.

I clenched my fists to deal with the pain. “Where did you hear about this?”

“I read it in a comic book,” Teravolt said.

Well.

“And get this:” the loudspeaker boomed. “I’ve added a little something to make it more exciting, because who likes a fair fight, anyway? These two can’t use their powers! Quickdraw will find it hard to even move with fifteen pound weights on all of his limbs, and if Teravolt charges up her lightning, her hands will freaking explode! How metal is that?”

That sparked a cheer from the crowd, and we were showered in soft drinks and snacks once more.

“And now,” Ranvier breathed. “Our mystery fighter. He’s fought almost every single one of us at some point or other, and he’s sent a good many of our friends and family up the river. A man who’s constantly too big for his britches; who bites off more than he can chew and still manages to come out on top…”

My anxiety returned with a vengeance. I had a really bad feeling about this.

“A man whose biceps are bigger than his brain, and who has been a near constant thorn in my side since the very first time we clashed…”

There was movement from behind the throne. I squinted to see what it was. A figure stepped out of the shadows of the alcove, and my heart leapt into my throat.

“IT’S METEOR!” roared Ranvier.

He was unmistakeable in his suit; pure white with accents of brilliant red. His movements looked odd, both robotic and unnatural, but it was definitely him. I swallowed hard.

“That’s bad, isn’t it?” Teravolt said.

I nodded. “That’s very bad.”

“Can you believe this guy?” Ranvier lounged with one leg over the armrest of his throne. “I mean, I spend the better part of a year hiring various idiots to track him down and bring him in, and of course none of that works out, and then he just comes running to me as soon as he hears that I’m back in town! I mean, what a rube!”

The crowd laughed and cheered like this was some sort of comedy show. I felt sick to my stomach.

“What did you do to him?!” I shouted.

“Sorry, you’ll have to speak up,” Ranvier said. “I’m only telepathic, you know. So without further ado…” He stood up and pointed straight at us with a dramatic flourish. “Get ‘em, Meteor!”

Meteor began to jog, slowly at first, and picked up speed until he had broken into an all out run. As he reached the end of the parapet, he let of a burst of energy and rocketed into the air, sailing gracefully over our heads and smashing down on the other side of the arena. He stood up slowly and then turned to face us.

“That’s incredibly bad,” I gulped.

“And by the way, you’d better watch out, kids,” Ranvier said. “Meteor hits like a semi filled with sumo wrestlers! Isn’t that right, folks?” He laughed and sat down again, crossing one leg over the other. “Fight!”

Meteor came for us, carrying himself in a confident stride. He was easily two hundred and fifty pounds of fighting machine, and his walk suggested that his easy-going nature was gone with the wind. I didn’t know what Ranvier had done to him, but the way he was coming toward us told me that this wasn’t the Meteor that I knew.

A million and one cliches flashed through my mind. ‘Meteor, snap out of it!’ ‘Meteor, it’s me; I’m your best friend!’ ‘He’s done something to you! You don’t really want to hurt me!’ Whatever was going on here, it was going to take more than the power of friendship to fix it.

“What are we going to do?” I wondered aloud.

“We have to fight him,” Teravolt said.

I looked down at the weights weighing my arms down, and then over at the metal bands on Teravolt’s wrists.

“He’ll tear us apart,” I said. “I think we could have taken him before, but without our powers…”

“We can’t just give up,” said Teravolt. “We didn’t come all this way just to get killed by dramatic irony. We need to think of something.”

Meteor was close now, tensed like a coiled spring and aglow with red light. There was a sneer on his face, twisting it into a mockery of its normal self. He drew back his fist and swung, and Teravolt and I jumped in opposite directions. The unaccustomed weight on my legs caused me to trip, and I was lifted off of the ground and flung several feet by the force of Meteor’s fist hitting the floor.

“Isn’t that nice?” Ranvier said. “It looks like Meteor is excited to see his sidekick again!”

I think I felt one of my ribs break as I slammed against the metal floor, and the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I struggled to my feet, wheezing, to see Meteor advancing on Teravolt, who was scooting away from him on all fours. I clutched my aching lungs and stumbled toward the both of them. The crowd began to chant something but I hardly heard them. They weren’t important. Nothing was important except for saving Teravolt from Meteor, then saving Meteor from whatever Ranvier had done to him, then getting the hell out of here.

I put on a burst of speed and tackled Meteor from behind. I grabbed him around the neck and we went down together, with me on top. I scrambled to get up before he could retaliate. I was doing my best to work out a way that I could take Meteor down without really hurting him. He could take some serious punishment, but I had ridiculous speed on my side even being handicapped as I was. So far it wasn’t doing any good, as he sprang back up like he hadn’t even felt the tackle.

“Do you know how to fight?” I asked, backing up to meet Teravolt.

“I’ve been in a few brawls,” she said.

“Yeah, but do you know how to fight? I think Meteor was a boxer or something before he became a superhero,” I said. Meteor had turned around and was coming at us again.

“Or something? You don’t know about your best friend’s personal life?” Teravolt tugged fruitlessly at the bands around her wrists.

“I know his first name,” I said. “He’s very secretive. But now is not really the time to ask him his life story.”

Meteor charged, aiming for me this time. I sidestepped at the last minute and tripped him, noting that something seemed off about his fighting style. He was usually much less aggressive and much more defensive. It wasn’t like him to attack recklessly.

“Ja-uh, Quickdraw, you’re going to have to hurt him!” Teravolt retreated from Meteor. “We’ll never get through this if you keep playing with him!”

“I’m not playing with him!” I responded, which was true. The constant extra weight was really starting to wear me down. “You were right before, we just have to think of something!”

Meteor whipped his arm around and caught me in the thigh while I was distracted. The pain was immediate and intense; I had never taken a punch from Meteor before. He really did hit like a semi, sumo wrestlers aside. My entire leg went numb and I did my best to keep from falling down.

“Haha, would you look at that!” Ranvier said. “Another point for the crimson idiot! How long do you folks think the little league can last against the big ape? Place your bets! Oh, and remember that twenty percent of all winnings go to the house.”

While I was distracted clutching my leg, Meteor leapt up and landed an uppercut right on my shoulder. I flew through the air, twisting like a corkscrew, and hit the ground hard, rolling to a stop and once again fighting for breath. I pushed myself up and saw double as Meteor strode purposefully toward me, murder in his eyes. I felt my energy rapidly running out. Meteor came within three feet of me when Teravolt jumped at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, mimicking my earlier tackle. Unfortunately, she didn’t have my speed or momentum, so she just ended up hanging on like a backpack while he stamped his feet and swung her around. Again, it wasn’t like him. Meteor liked to fight smarter, not harder.

“Choke him!” I shouted. “Make him black out!”

“What do you -ah!- think I’m -whoa!- trying to do?” Teravolt was being shaken around like a ragdoll.

I mustered my energy, concentrated, and jumped up to run forward and smash the wrist weights into Meteor’s stomach. He doubled over and recoiled from the force of the hit, giving Teravolt enough time to jump off of his back. As soon as her boots hit the ground he was back up and swinging, catching me by surprise. The first one came so close to my face that it nearly took my head off.

That blow should have had him on his knees, gasping for breath and retching. What gives?

“Whoa, a surprisingly brutal hit for junior!” Ranvier crowed. “I guess he’s got some pretty good fight in him after all, eh?”

Meteor continued to shower me with punches. I dodged them all, but I felt myself getting slower as I tired. I didn’t know how long I could keep this up. Teravolt paced just outside the range of Meteor’s arms; clearly unsure of how to attack.

“Hey, maybe Junior would like to hear a joke,” Ranvier said. “How about it, Junior? Too late, here it comes! I had a friend who moved into a new house, and I thought it looked a little bare, so I bought her an elephant for her room. She thanked me, and I said ‘don’t mention it’.”

There was dead silence throughout the arena. Even Meteor stopped trying to punch a hole in me for long enough to look confused.

From across the seating, way up by where Ranvier was sitting, there came the sound of deep, rumbling laughter. It sounded like the Syndicate’s muscle, Knuckle. Through some miracle of acoustics, I just managed to hear him say: “He said don’t mention it!”

“Oh well, you can’t blame a guy for trying,” Ranvier said. “At least I have one fan. How about this; soft pretzels are a dollar off for the next ten minutes!”

That got the crowd going. They broke into a hubbub of shouting and waving at the concession sellers who were making their way around the seats, but due to the crowd being made of supervillains, it also involved a lot of guns, fire, and small explosions. It also snapped Meteor out of his confusion, and he began to throw a barrage of punches at me again.

“Stay out of the way!” I shouted to Teravolt. “I’m going to try to wear him out!”

I just hoped I wouldn’t be the one to wear out first.

So let’s break this down. I had at my disposal the following resources: item one, weighted wrist and ankle bands. At fifteen pounds each, they were really doing a number on my stamina. They could be very useful as impromptu weapons, but with every hit I risked doing irreparable damage to myself or Meteor. Item two, Teravolt’s explosive bands. Again, very high potential to be useful, but they would definitely have to come off of her first. She probably wouldn’t talk to me again if I got her hands blown off. Item three, one incredibly enraged wall of muscle, i.e. my best friend. Ranvier had done something to seriously mess with his head, and now he was trying to use me as a punching bag. If that could be of any use, the potential for it was beyond my imagination at the moment. Item four, Ranvier himself. He seemed like a real wildcard. I doubt I could get entirely on his good side, but if I could figure out a way to amuse him beyond doing something violent then he might throw me a bone. In that circumstance, I might be able to take him by surprise. I don’t have a whole lot of experience with telepaths, as they are fairly rare, but each one has a different set of rules for how their powers work. I think they usually have to look you in the eyes to affect you, but that box by his side looked an awful lot like the power amplifier that DeLuge had back in the museum. That made it a priority target.

I decided to play a hunch. Ranvier seemed like he liked to have fun. Why not exploit that?

“Hey, Ranvier!” I shouted, hoping he could hear me. Maybe there were microphones in the pit.

“Why, it appears that young n’ speedy is trying to get my attention,” Ranvier said. “This should be good. What’s shaking, speedy? You’re looking pretty tired down there, and your girlfriend isn’t being much help.”

“I, uh,” I dodged a punch that just missed my ear. The air practically sizzled with the energy let off from Meteor’s fist. “I have a joke for you.”

“A joke?” Ranvier said. “For me? I can’t actually remember the last time anyone told me a joke. Usually it’s just ‘no, please don’t feed my feet to those piranhas’, and ‘what are you doing with that grapefruit spoon, ahhh’!” There was a loud squeal as some feedback went through the p.a. system. “Agh, sorry. Got the mic a little too close to the speakers there. Anyway, tell me your joke, kiddo. I just hope it goes over better than mine did, but that’s what happens when you associate with a bunch of plebeians.”

I didn’t know a whole lot of jokes, my talent lying mainly in ‘witty comeback’ territory, but I had a few up my sleeve. There was one that I knew that could be considered a showstopper, so that would have to do.

“Two Mexican men are crossing the Arizona desert after coming over the border,” I began, using my best ‘funny grandpa at a family barbecue’ tone. “It’s been days since they’ve had a drink and even longer since they’ve eaten. They’re just about to lie down and wait for the end, when one of them perks up and sniffs the air. Whoa!” Meteor added a surprise knee thrust after a left hook. “‘Jose!’ he says. ‘Jose, do you smell that?’. Jose sniffs the hot, dry air, and he smells something familiar.” I lent the two fictional men my best attempt at a Mexican accent, but I think it came out horrible and possibly racist. I’m a superhero, not an impressionist. “‘Eet smells like bacon, Diego,’ he replies. So they muster their strength and struggle over the next few dunes in search of the smell’s source. As they crest a particularly large dune, they can see off in the distance what looks like a big tree, growing right out of the sand. Next to the tree is a pond, cool and inviting and big enough to swim in. Jose notices something hanging on the tree. He squints to see what it is, but he’s an older man and his eyes aren’t what they were in his youth. ‘Diego,’ he says. ‘What are those growing in the leaves?’ Diego shades his eyes with his hand and takes a look. ‘Ees bacon, Jose!’ he says. ‘Bacon?’ Jose replies. ‘Bacon!’ says Diego, overjoyed. ‘Ees every kind of bacon! Raw bacon, double smoked bacon, fried bacon, back bacon...we are saved!’”

I took a moment to take a breather. Meteor was still coming at me with everything he had, and my concentration was being taxed heavily. “‘Are you sure ees no a mirage?’ Jose asks. ‘We are een the desert, after all.’ ‘No mirage smells like bacon, Jose!’ Diego replies. ‘Ees real! We are saved, my friend!’ With that, the two set off toward the tree. As they get closer and closer, they can see that it is indeed real. They can smell the water, feel the cool breeze...and above all, the delicious scent of bacon is overwhelming. As they get close to the tree, within five feet, the peace is shattered by the sound of gunfire from all around them. They drop to the ground but Jose is hit by the bullets. Crying out, Diego cradles his friend in his arms. ‘Diego,’ Jose says. ‘Diego, we must leave thees place! We must go back to where we came from! Thees ees no bacon tree after all…’ ‘What ees eet, then, Jose?’ Diego asks. Jose grabs his friend by the shoulders and leans in close, his breath choked. ‘Ees a…’ he starts, and then coughs blood. ‘Ees a…’ he tries again, but the pain is too great.”

I leaned down and rammed my shoulder into Meteor’s stomach to give myself some room to breathe. He staggered backward and I launched into the joke again. “‘Jose, my friend!’ Diego cries. ‘What ees eet?’ Jose takes a deep breath, gripping Diego’s shoulders desperately. He leans in even closer and gasps: ‘Ees a ham bush.’”

I waited to see what kind of effect my joke would have. Meteor and I eyed each other and circled warily. Teravolt had her hand over her face and was shaking her head.

From up on the throne, amplified through the entire arena, Ranvier broke into a laugh. It started off slow, low and soft, gaining momentum as it got louder until it was a full-on, uncontrollable belly laugh. He thumped the arms of the throne and stamped his feet as tears rolled down his face.

“It’s a ham bush!” he gasped. “That’s really good!”

“I don’t get it,” I heard Knuckle say.

“Because it was an ambush, you idiot,” Streak said.

“What was an ambush?” Knuckle asked.

Meteor stopped dead in his tracks, a blank expression on his face. Slowly, like the sun coming over the horizon, a smile spread across his face. He began to chuckle. Like Ranvier, it had soon blossomed into a full on guffaw. Meteor rubbed the side of his face and then pressed a hand into his side as if he had a stitch there.

“Meteor!” I shouted.

“Quickdraw!” Meteor shouted back. “Your terrible joke saved me!”

“There’s no time to celebrate! You have to break that band off of Teravolt’s arm!” I commanded. “Throw it at the throne!”

Meteor grasped the band in both hands as Teravolt offered her wrist. With a mighty pull he ripped it in half, then heaved it at Ranvier’s balcony.

“Teravolt, light it up!”

Lightning screamed through the air from Teravolt’s outstretched arm, hitting the band dead on. It exploded spectacularly right next to Ranvier, who dove from the throne and covered his head as he hit the ground. The power amplifier caught the edge of the explosion and blew apart in a shower of sparks and circuitry.

“Throw the other one at the ceiling!” I shouted.

Meteor grunted as he tore the band open, and then threw it straight up as hard as he could. Teravolt slung electricity at it, blowing a smoking crater in the ceiling as it detonated. Immediately, a siren began to blare as the smoke detectors triggered. With no other warning, every sprinkler went off, pouring a cascade of water of everything. A collective groan rose from the audience, who began to stand up and shuffle toward the exits. I heard scattered grumblings of “oh, come on!”, “seriously?”, and “this costume is dry clean only!”.

“Wait, hang on, guys!” Ranvier said. “You’re seriously gonna leave because of a little water? I’ve got Meteor here and everything, I was about to make him kill these kids!”

Everyone else paid him no attention, still filing out of the room.

“Come on, it’s Meteor!” Ranvier protested. “He’s sent just about everyone in this damn room to jail at some point! Some of us have him as a freaking archnemesis! I was gonna make him into a gladiator, then make him do more evil stuff while I filmed it and set it to funny music! Guys!”

We watched as every spectator left until it was just us, Ranvier, and the Syndicate, standing soaking wet in the indoor rain.

Ranvier squelched over to his throne, collapsed into it, and buried his face in his hands. We stood in silence as he stayed like that for a moment, then suddenly let out a long scream that lasted for well over a minute then faded.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” Ranvier said. He reached into a suit pocket and pulled out one of those little stress management alien things. He squeezed it a few times and it squeaked, its eyes and antennae bugging out.

“Alright,” Ranvier said, standing up. “I can still salvage this. I’ve got Meteor, I’ve got the sidekick, I’ve got the Syndicate. It’ll be okay.”

“It will certainly not be okay for you!” Meteor boomed, a finger outstretched toward the balcony. “It’s time to face justice one more!”

“You know, you have this way of talking that just really, urgh!” Ranvier said. “It gets my blood boiling! But it’s alright. My therapist said I should try to relax more. You know, avoid situations that might cause me to get overexcited. So what I’m going to do is, I’ll leave you guys with the Syndicate and I’ll go and make some french toast, and then I’ll be back in, say, five or ten minutes, and then I’ll eat that french toast while I watch my three stooges beat the stuffing out of you. Ok? Sound good? Good.” He waved a hand dismissively as he made to leave.

Streak, Knuckle, and Faultline turned their heads towards us as one, and I didn’t like the looks on their faces.

“Meteor, you’ve got to break these weights off me right now!” I said.

In one fluid movement, Knuckle grabbed the other two by their waists and leapt over the railing, slamming into the floor of the pit with a deafening noise.

Meteor hurriedly snapped the weights off of my limbs as Knuckle stood up, put Streak and Faultline down, and the three of them advanced on us.

“I remember these guys,” Teravolt said. “DeLuge and I fought them before.”

“You guys fought them? Weren’t you both working for Ranvier?” I asked.

“This was before that,” Teravolt said. “DeLuge thought that we could bring Meteor to Ranvier first and get the reward.”

“Well, DeLuge was an idiot,” I said.

“Tell me about it,” muttered Teravolt.

“Alright, b*****s!” Streak said loudly. “This is the final round. No one gets the best of the Syndicate of Pandemonium!”

“The Syndicate of Pandemonium?” Teravolt asked.

“That’s us,” Streak said proudly.

“That’s gotta be the dumbest name I’ve ever heard,” said Teravolt.

Streak’s face turned bright red. A vein throbbed in her forehead.

“You,” she hissed. “Are by far the least likeable people I have ever met, and I’ve been in f*****g prison!”

“Well I hope you enjoyed it there,” I said. “Because you just bought yourself a one way ticket back.” I rubbed my wrists. My arms felt way too light after having all of that extra weight on them.

“Not this time,” Streak said. “We aren’t holding back this time. You and your friends are dead. We’re gonna tear you into so many pieces that the cops will never find them all.”

I looked to my left, where Meteor was stretching his neck muscles. I looked to my right, where Teravolt stood with her arms crossed and a mean expression on her face. I looked back at Streak, her greasy hair matted to her face. Behind her, Knuckle and Faultline did their best to look intimidating.

“Bring it on,” I said.

With a yell, all six of us charged at each other. Streak and I clashed in the center, both of us moving at super speed. Around us, the water from the sprinklers hung suspended in midair like a shimmering curtain, falling at a snail’s pace.

“You know, I’m actually glad that you escaped.” Streak aimed a right hook at my head.  “I owe you some payback for last time.”

“Okay,” I replied, throwing a punch of my own. “But I think we should have a safe word. I usually use ‘hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia’, but I’m open to suggestions.”

“Where do you come up with this s**t?!” Streak shouted, a woman on her last wits. “Do you think this is a game? We’re trying to f*****g kill each other here!”

“Anything can be a game if you make it,” I said. Streak and I left empty space in the water drops wherever we moved. It was strangely beautiful, like a long exposure snapshot; curved and dynamic.

Streak walloped me in the kidney. I recoiled and recovered, thrusting a knee into her thigh like Meteor had hit me before. She replied with a backhand swing to my face, which I caught in both hands. I twisted my body and used the momentum to throw her off balance, tugging her past me so I could drop an elbow into her shoulder blade. She cried out and fell but recovered admirably, sweeping her leg backward into my ankle. It was a desperate but powerful move, and the soles of my boots lost their grip on the slick floor. I hit the ground shoulder first, dazed by the hot pain and reminded forcefully that I had at least one broken rib.

I rolled away and narrowly avoided Streak’s elbow coming down where my head was. The floor rang like a bell and Streak cried out and clutched her elbow. I guess she hit her funny bone.

We climbed to our feet at lunged at each other. We both made a grab for the other’s throat. She made it first and her body was closer than I anticipated, and I ended up unintentionally slamming her breasts with the palms of my hands. She immediately let go of my throat and clutched her chest, groaning.

“Jesus, sorry,” I said, embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to-”

“You’re f*****g dead,” she growled. “You’re f*****g dead!”

She yelled and made a flying leap at me, catching me off guard. We went down together and she landed on top of me. Her hands gripped my shoulders tightly and she snapped her teeth viciously, inches away from my throat. She was practically foaming at the mouth.

“What the hell, get off!” I said, pushing as hard as I could. It was all I could do just to keep her from biting me.

“Ranvier had me on toilet scrubbing duty for a month!” she snarled. “And it’s all your fault! Can you imagine cleaning up a toilet that’s been used by him?” She jerked her head in Knuckle’s direction, where he was currently locked in battle with Meteor. “There isn’t a u-bend in the world that could take that kind of abuse!”

“It’s not my fault you chose to be a s****y person!” I said. “You could have made good life decisions, and then none of that would have happened!”

“I’m gonna bite your tongue off and shove it down your throat!” she said. “And then I’m gonna do the same thing to your-”

“NO!” with a mighty shove, I heaved her off of me. She skidded across the wet metal, leaving a very slowly closing trail in the inch or so of water on the floor.

In an instant we were up and at each other again. We exchanged blows over and over. It had only been seconds for the other four people in the pit, but Streak and I battled on a different plane. We moved in between the instants and fought at electric speeds. Locked in high speed combat as we were, it felt like time itself could hardly touch us.

We punched and kicked and bit, the raindrops falling with a near imperceptible sluggishness, and I noticed with detachment that there was a miniature rainbow reflected in each droplet.

We ended up on the floor again, grappling desperately for supremacy as personal space became a thing of the past.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” I said, trying to crush Streak’s hands before she could stick her fingers in my eyes.

“Shut up!” Streak grunted, squeezing my ribcage between her legs.

I wrenched her arms to either side, headbutting her in the face. She let go of me completely and fell away to clutch at her nose, which was spurting blood like a fountain. I quickly maneuvered myself around to her back and threw my arms around her neck in a sleeper hold. We fell backward, her on top of me, and she convulsed to try and slip out of my grasp. I held her tight with my legs around her thighs, her body pressed against mine in a weirdly romantic manner.

Ew.

“Does this seem familiar?” I asked. “It feels like we’ve been here before.”

Streak snarled and choked as she thrashed. She clawed at my arms but she couldn’t break my grip.

“Just so you know,” I said into her ear. “You’re a terrible kisser. Way too much tongue.”

In desperation she resorted to pounding  on my arms with one of her fists while she tore vainly at my arm around her throat with the other hand. Her blows were weak, an uphill battle against the angle of her arm and the oxygen loss to her brain. I held on as she fought and flopped like a fish until finally, with a little sigh, she went limp in my arms. I rolled her off of me, not particularly gently, and got shakily to my feet.

I did it.

I raised my arms above my head and let out an uncontrolled whoop.

“I did it!” I shouted. “I freaking did it! I am the god of speed!”

I looked around me expectantly and saw that the others had hardly moved.

“Oh, yeah,” I said with a sigh.

I assessed how the other were doing. Meteor was standing just to the side of Knuckle, legs wide in a defensive stance as he dodged. Knuckle had his fist thrust into a widening crater in the floor, shredded metal puckered around his wrist. Meteor had his own fist thrown in an ongoing counterattack, milliseconds away from smashing into Knuckle’s jaw.

Faultline stood in the middle of a swirling dust devil filled with mud and rocks. She was surrounded by holes and tears in the floor that were made by the earth ripping through it. She had both arms thrown toward Teravolt as she sent the contents of the raging whirlwind hurling at her. Teravolt was in the middle of a graceful pirouette as she avoided the projectiles, especially a particularly large one that had narrowly missed her midsection. She was encompassed by a halo of sparks as she prepared to use her own powers. Lightning lanced from her fingers too fast for even me to follow, zigzagging between the water droplets and striking Faultline.

There was a beat, a little moment where Faultline didn’t react, and then her entire body convulsed as the electricity caused her muscles to seize up. The whirlwind dissolved around her, the mud and rocks splattering to the ground, and she fell out of it and hit the floor. Teravolt took a flying leap at Faultline and punching her repeatedly in the face. Of course, this was all happening in extremely slow motion so I had plenty of time to help or intervene, but I figured Teravolt probably needed to work out some aggression and Faultline most likely deserved it. At the very least, she needed to learn that Teravolt wasn’t someone to mess with.

There was a tremor that shook the ground behind me, and I turned around to see Meteor standing triumphantly over a downed Knuckle. I allowed time to speed up, and was treated to a pleasant doppler effect as the pinging of the water hitting the metal floor rose from a low bass timpani to a high pitched susurrus.

“Did we do it?” I asked.

Meteor nodded, his knowing smile back in place. “We did it, chum.”

I raised my arms once more and issued a victory whoop. “We did it! Teravolt, we did it!”

I turned around again to see Teravolt shocking Faultline, who lay twitching beneath her.

“Teravolt, I...I think she’s already unconscious,” I said.

Teravolt looked at me, looked down at Faultline, and then stopped shocking her and watched her reaction.

Faultline just lay there.

Teravolt leaned down, an ear to Faultline’s mouth as I face palmed.

“It’s okay,” Teravolt said. “She’s still breathing.”

“We’re gonna have to work on the whole ‘heroes don’t kill people’ thing,” I said.

“Speaking of which,” Meteor came up behind me. “Although that was some excellent teamwork and a flawless divide and conquer maneuver, what is Teravolt doing here? And what are you doing here, for that matter?”

I turned to face him. “I asked for her help. I know you said not to, but we came to rescue you.”

Meteor smiled. “I should have known you’d come for me anyway, chum. You’re the best partner a guy could ask for.”

“Ranvier said he was going to use you to do evil things, starting with killing us,” I said.

“Yes, sorry about that!” Meteor replied. “I could hear his voice in my noggin, pushing my buttons like an evil squirrel in a giant robot! I was powerless to resist!”

“It’s alright, man,” I said. “I think that-”

“Oh, what the frick!” A voice cut into our reunion.

I turned to see Ranvier up on the balcony, a plate in one hand and a fork in the other.

“I was gone for five minutes,” Ranvier said. “Five minutes! Honestly, you just can’t find good help these days!” He stuffed a bite of french toast into his mouth. “Oh well. I didn’t really expect them to win anyway, the bunch of D list dumbasses.”

“Unhand that breakfast confection and face me in honest combat, Ranvier!” Meteor said. “No more mind games!”

Ranvier chewed thoughtfully. “No, I don’t think I will. I’m probably just gonna get out of here.”

“What?” I said, confused.

“That’s your backup plan; just leave?” Teravolt said.

Ranvier took another bite. “Uh...yeah. Yeah, I’m just going to leave. But I’m going to close this place up tighter than a nun’s legs so you three can’t follow me.” He shook his head as he chewed. “You know, d****t if I didn’t think I had you this time.”

“Good will always triumph over evil!” Meteor exclaimed. “I thought you would have learned that after Mexico!”

Ranvier’s expression changed immediately to one of shock, then barely controlled anger. He swallowed his toast like it was battery acid and took a deep breath.

“Don’t talk about Mexico,” he said quietly.

“Mexico was no different than any other time I’ve thwarted your crazy schemes!” Meteor said. “You’ll never-”

“DON’T! TALK! ABOUT! MEXICO!” Ranvier roared. He threw his plate down into the pit as hard as he could. It shattered as only porcelain can, instantly becoming a cloud of razor sharp shards, pulverized dust, and syrupy globules.

Ranvier leaned forward and gripped the railing, shaking.

“Mexico,” he said through gritted teeth. “Was my one real shot at happiness.”

“Meteor, what’s....” I said. “What’s he talking about?”

Meteor shook his head. “I’ve no idea, partner. As I remember it, he was only there for some light terrorism and a little kidnapping.”

Ranvier squeezed his head tightly, fingers like claws raking through his perfect pompadour.

“I wasn’t kidnapping her, you idiot!” he shouted, slamming a fist down on the railing. “Did you ever consider...did it ever even cross your miniscule mind that I might have been in love with her?”

I stared, agape. I looked at Meteor and his face was the picture of confusion.

“The terrorist cell-” Meteor started.

“It was a f*****g ruse!” Ranvier said. “It was a cover! We were running away together, and then you just had to burst in like a big goddamn hero and start breaking things, and you ruined everything! She died because of you!”

“I was...trying to save the day...” Meteor said.

“Save the day?” Ranvier was incredulous. “Save the day? Well, I guess that makes manslaughter alright, then! Years of planning and millions of dollars sunk into some stupid, tiny-dicked cartel to throw the scent off of her and me, but don’t worry! Here comes Meteor to save the day!”

For the second time I had ever seen, Meteor had nothing to say.

“All I wanted was to start a new life with the woman I loved!” Ranvier continued. “No more ridiculous plans, no more stupid costumes, no more trite one-liners, no more dumbass secret lairs filled with who-gives-a-s**t experimental tech! I was going to blow that hideout to hell as soon as we had set foot off of the premises! That’s why it was packed with explosives! Explosives plus a shitload of energy flying around everywhere; you do the math, genius!”

“I…” said Meteor softly. “I didn’t mean to…”

“I don’t care what you meant to do! I don’t care that all you wanted to do was punch the villain in the face, save the girl, and mug in front of the cameras like the idiot meathead that you are while your adoring fans kiss your goddamn boots! Just like you didn’t care when I tried to explain, tried to tell you that it wasn’t like the other times.” His voice dropped to a threatening hiss. “You ruined my life, Meteor. You are the bane of my existence, and even if it kills me, I will find a way to make you feel the pain I felt every day that I had to spend in a maximum security prison, eating slop and fighting for survival, just for trying to be with the woman I loved.” He stood up straight, fixed his tie, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a ridiculous, world-destroying revenge scheme to set in motion.”

He pivoted on his heel and marched off, the clicking off his shoes penetrating the hiss of the sprinklers.

Author's Note

Isn't that a kick in the head?