Chapter 13

Jake finds himself in a very strange situation several times in one day.

My eyes flicked back and forth between my options. I could only choose one, and time was not on my side. I had to act fast.

A drop of sweat ran down the side of my face. How could I possibly choose one, and not the other? What did I do to deserve having to make this decision? What circle of hell did this situation crawl out of?

No time, no time. I had to do something.

Finally, I made my choice. It was tough, but it was the only logical one. My hand was forced.

I reached out, grabbed the bag, and put the whole wheat bread into my already overflowing supermarket basket. Sourdough was better for sandwiches, but I couldn’t make toast with it.

I looked at my cellphone for the time. Ten minutes until my TV show came on.  It was really hot in here as well, which only made me want to leave faster.

The break had been nice so far. It had only been a couple of days, but I had caught up on some reading I had been meaning to get to and TV programs that had been recorded on my cable box for a while. I was making good time with my article writing as well; having to spend time healing from mild to moderate cuts, bruises, and laser burns tends to distract from the creative process.

Speaking of which, I had also fully healed from my explosion related injuries, including the burn on my face from the heat. Now it no longer hurt to smile. Or blink, for that matter. My runny nose from a few days ago had turned into a full blown cold, complete with coughing, sneezing, and daytime television, but beggars can’t be choosers. All said and done, it could have been worse. Maybe I wouldn’t even need cough syrup today.

I looked into my basket and checked its contents against my grocery list. Eggs, milk, bread, hot dogs, butter, flour, pineapple juice, potatoes, celery, box of spaghetti, tomato sauce, ground beef, ground coffee. That should be good for a while.

I moved toward the front of the store and encountered a very long line of people, while a voice on the intercom droned about extra employees going to the cash registers. I guessed that’s what I got for shopping on a Saturday.

The people in line shuffled around to other registers that were now open, and I got in back of one the marginally-shorter-but-still-infinitely-long lines. I passed the time by staring around the store, avoiding making eye contact with strangers, and examining the sensationalist magazines by the register when the line became short enough. The magazines had headlines informing me that the Prince of England was getting a divorce, that a popular reality star had unknowingly married her long lost brother but it was fine because they were both consenting adults, and that the President had recently revealed the shocking truth about having an affair with an extraterrestrial. Pretty standard stuff for the tabloids, but it made me question the intelligence of my fellow man.

Finally, it was my turn to check out. I put my basket on the counter, reached for my wallet, and looked up.

And nearly swallowed my tongue.

Her hair was dirty blonde and she wore a nondescript white button down with khakis and heavy mascara, but I’d recognize that turned-up nose and those eyes anywhere. One blue, one green.

“How are you today did you find everything you were looking for,” she said, as if reciting lines out of a bad play.

“I-uh-yyyes,” I stammered. This was not happening.

She started to run my items over the sensor as I wrestled with a mild panic. Would she recognize me, and what would happen if she did? Were we about to throw down in the middle of a supermarket? That hasn’t typically gone well for me, in case you hadn’t noticed.

I also wasn’t sure that I could actually fight her at this point. I hadn’t thought about her in a while and I had stopped dreaming about her, but I still couldn’t tell if I wanted to kiss her or throttle her. She was a villain, after all. Although with her being a cashier, I couldn’t necessarily blame her. Working retail is enough to turn anyone homicidal.

Fortunately, she didn’t seem to be able to tell who I was. She finished ringing me up and looked at me with a bored expression on her face. The moment stretched on for eternity.

“$37.48,” she said. Not even a flicker of recognition.

“Kind of, uh, hot in here, huh?” I said and laughed nervously, handing her two twenties.

“Yeah,” she said. “The goddamn air conditioning has been busted for a week and it’s been like a friggin’ sauna in here ever since.”

She handed me my change and started bagging my groceries. I looked at her name tag.

“That’s a nice name,” I said. “Valerie.”

“Really?” she said. “I think it sounds like a stripper name.”

In my mind’s eye, she started unbuttoning her shirt, bending forward and telling me how hot it was. I immediately started trying to think about something else.  Linoleum. Magazines. The President with an alien - wait, no. Ugh. Nevermind.

I chuckled nervously and grabbed my groceries.

“Have a nice day,” Valerie said as I exited the store, a little more quickly than I had meant to.

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t usually have trouble talking to women. I wasn’t expecting to see Terav - uh, Valerie, so soon, though, and I panicked a little. If she had recognized me, we might have taken out the entire store with a fight. And I still didn’t know whether I wanted to put her in my bed, or in the hospital.

The funny thing was, she didn’t sound at all like a villain; just someone laid low by the tedium of a supermarket job. In fact, it was kind of nice to see her without a snarl on her face. And it was definitely nice not to have her throwing lightning at me. All of which was not helping my resolve to keep our relationship strictly professional, as it were.

I couldn’t have feelings for this girl. There would be problems. Big problems.

I decided to go home and drown my sorrows in pineapple juice and daytime television.

The dreams returned with a vengeance. Not only was it the rooftop dream, but now I was dreaming about walks in the park and going to the movies and waking up next to her. It’s like my brain was trying to make me the star of my own stupid romance novel. You know, the kind with scantily clad women clutching shirtless Mr. Universes, like you’d find in the “for sexually frustrated middle-aged women” section of the local bookstore. It was maddening.

I’m not even a romantic. I don’t believe in love at first sight; I have a degree in Biology and let me tell you, “love at first sight” is literally the definition of lust. It’s the brain’s way of getting you to continue the species. On top of that, I had absolutely no interest in entering some kind of searing, forbidden romance. I was happy with my life. It was pretty normal, except for the whole superhero thing. I was single, yes, but I wasn’t the kind of person who defines their life by their relationship status. In short, I didn’t want this kind of bullcrap.

But on the same token, I couldn’t stop thinking about Valerie. It didn’t quite help that her costume, although amateurish, did things to my libido that I’m not willing to discuss in detail. Let’s just say I had to find a solution to all of this, and quickly.

Over the next couple of days I found myself drawn to the supermarket. I would make excuses to go, like I didn’t have enough juice or wanted to try a different brand of ketchup. Eventually I learned what Valerie’s work schedule was, and I just sort of loitered around the store until it became awkward and I forced myself to leave. It was pathetic, I admit.

The tipping point came one time when I saw her leaving after work, and I caught myself considering following her home just to see where she lived, which was majorly creepy. It was one short step from there to playing guitar on her front lawn at midnight, and there was no way in hell I was doing that. I don’t even know how to play the guitar.

I gave in. I would ask her out. Whether or not this would pacify my apparent insatiable need to have a rooftop tryst remained to be seen, but I had to do something.

That morning I styled my hair with a little gel, shaved, and flexed shirtless in front of my bathroom mirror. I didn’t exactly have the body of a musclebound hunk, but that hadn’t killed my game before. I put on a pair of dark blue jeans and a black button down shirt, and I rolled the sleeves up my forearms.

Today was Wednesday, and Valerie always worked from twelve to five thirty on Wednesdays, and damn if I’m not one creepy-a*s dude for knowing that.

I waited by the store’s entrance until she came out, in what I hoped was a nonchalant manner. In truth, it had been a little over a year since I’d even had a girlfriend. It’s a little hard to keep a relationship with someone when you’re constantly worried that you’ll see their name as a headline on the news with the words ‘tragic death’ next to it, as my last girlfriend told me. I can’t say I fault her logic.

“Valerie!” I called out as soon as I saw her exit the store. She looked surprised to hear her name. Her hair was still a little frizzy, due to the fact that the AC was still broken, and she had on khakis and a t shirt with a band logo that said Stanky Lizzard in spiky letters. I smiled at her.

“Hi,” she said, and smiled. It was a cute little smile, and didn’t look like it belonged on someone who robbed banks on her days off.

“Hey, so listen,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “At the risk of sounding awkward, I’ve seen you a couple of times, and you seem like a pretty cool person. And I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee or something sometime? Maybe tonight?” I gave her a hopeful little smile.

She looked surprised for a second, and then smiled apologetically. “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve got...uh, something going on tonight. You are pretty cute, though.” She batted her eyelashes at me and I wondered for the millionth time what I was doing. “Maybe we could do it later? Say, tomorrow at 6?”

I was relieved, not to mention surprised. She actually said yes.

“That works just fine,” I said. We exchanged numbers and arranged to meet at a local coffee place right around the corner.

You may think that all of this seemed like a bad idea, and you would be right. It was completely against my better judgement. You try having some girl continuously visit you in your dreams to have sex and then we’ll see how rational you are about it.

To my relief, I slept dreamlessly that night. Maybe it was my brain’s way of telling me I had done a good job. As far as I was concerned, my brain could shove it right up its occipital lobe.

The next day went by quickly. I did some work, cleaned up my already fairly clean apartment, and wondered what I would wear. In the end I decided to just wear the same thing, a black button down and jeans, and I found myself sitting at a table outside Roasted Paradise waiting for the psycho of my dreams to show up.

I had taken my time deciding what to order, then finally chose a mocha latte when six came and went, then sat down and twiddled my thumbs. At six ten I started fidgeting with the cardboard sleeve on the cup. At six fifteen I discovered that my cellphone had a little videogame on it. By six twenty five, I had died thirteen times in the game and I was officially an idiot for asking out someone who had tried to kill me. She must have recognized me and was now jerking me aroun-

“Hi, I’m so sorry to be late!” she practically rocketed into her chair, knocking the table. My coffee would have spilled if I hadn’t caught it in time. I realized that I had caught it much too fast, but fortunately she hadn’t noticed.

“That’s all right,” I said, and found to my surprise that I didn’t really mind. She hadn’t stood me up after all.

“Some woman knocked over a bunch of jars of tomato sauce, and I spent forty five minutes cleaning it up.” she said, by way of apology. She was still wearing her work clothes.

“Hey, it happens,” I said, sitting up straight in my chair. Her smile really was cute.

“Just so you know, I don’t usually accept dates from random guys I’ve never met before,” she said, putting her coffee on the table.

“We’ve met a few times,” I said. “The local supermarket is really the only place that I shop.”

“I don’t count that as meeting,” she poured a sugar packet into her coffee and stirred it. “Usually at work I’m just going through the motions. I won’t deny, you look pretty familiar, though. Are you sure we haven’t met outside of the store?” She started to take a sip.

I shrugged my shoulders. We made small talk for the next hour, and I actually found myself enjoying her company. We were both into rock music, she told me about the videogames that she liked, and she had this adorable little giggle that she would make whenever I said something funny. This really was one of the weirdest things I had ever done, but as strange as it may sound, I was beginning to like her.

Agh, what was I doing? Sure she was hot, and seemed really pleasant, and I may have just fallen for her like a ton of bricks, but I couldn’t shake the image of her snarling and throwing lightning at me with the intention of frying me like a bug. This was really, really stupid. She was a supervillain’s sidekick for god’s sake, and I had no way of knowing that she wasn’t doing it because she loved to be evil. Come to think of it, there was one way of finding out...but it could expose me as Quickdraw. Was it worth it?

Looking into her eyes, electric blue and emerald green, as she excitedly described a concert that she had gone to, I realized that I had to know. If I didn’t take this chance now, I would regret it for the rest of my life.  At the next lull in the conversation, I threw caution to the wind.

“Do you ever wonder what you would do if you had superpowers?” I asked.

She coughed mid-sip, spilling coffee down her shirt. I immediately got up to get her some napkins. I felt kind of bad, but there was no other way to know. She could be homicidal, and I could be putting myself into a stupid amount of danger.

I returned and handed her the napkins. She started mopping herself, still coughing. “I inhaled some coffee,” she said unconvincingly.

After she had composed herself and the sodden napkins lay in a pile on the table, Valerie eyed me suspiciously. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, I kind of watch a lot of television,” I said, amused. “And I see all of these, you know, reports of superheroes fighting bad guys and stopping crimes and saving people, and sometimes it makes me wish that I could do something to help, too.”

“Honestly, I have a hard enough time just helping myself,” she said. “I mean, I’m twenty six years old and work in a supermarket, for chrissake.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but she wasn’t done. “And you know who those ‘heroes’ are really helping? Themselves. That’s what they’re in it for; just fame and glory and the adoration of the mindless, figure-head worshipping masses. You see some guy stopping a jewelry thief, he’s not doing it to get the jewels back. He’s doing it because he sees an opportunity to make himself look big and to make somebody else look small. It’s just ego stroking.”

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t expected that amount of depth in a response.

“That’s kind of cynical, don’t you think?” I asked, finally.

“Not at all!” she replied emphatically. “It’s like those freaking politicians up on Capitol Hill. They don’t really care about you, they just want your love and support and money. Mostly the money.”

Ah. I was beginning to get a glimpse of the big picture.

“You don’t think any of those guys do it altruistically?” I asked. “Just because they see an opportunity to help people?”

“No, I don’t. I think if they really wanted to help people then they’d become firefighters or policemen or homeless shelter volunteers or what the f**k ever, and they’d stop using their powers to hurt other people even if those people are supervillains.”

I furrowed my brow. “But how are supervillains supposed to be dealt with, then?”

“I don’t know!” She said. “Maybe all they want is to be listened to. Maybe they’re just acting out because they don’t know how else to get attention.”

That surprised me. I had never thought of it that way. Of course, this country’s municipal system was punitive instead of corrective so she definitely had a point, but there really was no other way to deal with at least a good half of superpowered criminals. Bad people existed, and all they wanted to do was be bad. If you stopped a supervillain and offered to have a guitar led singalong, chances are that they would kill you stone dead and keep right on doing their thing. Not that there was time to do that when someone was firing a laser gun at you anyway.

“Like, there’s this one guy, right?” She continued. “And he’s got super speed and he hangs around with this other guy who’s huge and likes to punch stuff. And these guys go around and fight ‘villains’,” Air quotes, nice. “And they pretend that they’re all good and they just want to help, but it’s a lie. I think they like to hurt people and they’ve found the perfect opportunity to do it. They’re both total dicks.”

Hey, not cool. Sure I could be irritating, but to go so far as being a dick? That was totally wrong. Well, at least ninety percent wrong. Okay, seventy five.

“And how do you know this?” I asked.

For a moment I could see panic in her eyes as she thought of a way to dig herself out of the situation she had just put herself in. “I...uh...I’ve seen them on tv a lot,” she said lamely. “In interviews and stuff.”

Uh huh. I couldn’t remember the last time I had done a televised interview. Who would waste time on small fries like me and Meteor?

“Maybe they’re just really passionate about being superheroes.” I was having trouble hiding my amusement.

She started to say something, but was drown out by a loud ringing. She looked at me apologetically and pulled out her cellphone. “I’ve got to take this; sorry. Hello?”

I tried to make it look like I wasn’t listening by taking a sip of my coffee and checking my own cellphone.

Valerie slapped her leg suddenly, her expression becoming intense. “Tonight? I thought it was next week!” She groaned. “Ugh, no, you’re right. That is tonight. Okay, okay, I’ll be there. All right, no, I won’t forget! Jesus.”

She hung up and looked across the table at me, and I could see in her eyes everything she was about to say.

“I’m really sorry, I got some dates mixed up and forgot about something really important I have to do tonight,” she said, standing up. “I liked talking with you, though, and I feel like we finished on kind of a sour note. Can we reschedule?”

I smiled, but inwardly I wondered what the ‘important’ thing she had forgotten was. I bet I could guess. “Of course.”

She flashed me a warm smile and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I’ll call you.”

She left. I took a long, long sip of my coffee.

I sat upside down on my couch, eating potato chips and watching crappy tv while waiting for Meteor to call me. I knew he would, too. If DeLuge and Teravolt were up to something, his network of informants would let him know.

“I love you, Ja’niqua.” The man in the movie wore a polo shirt, pastel pink shorts, and loafers. He was holding a girl in his arms as he overacted furiously. “I always have.”

“Don’t do it, man,” I said out loud. “She’s just gonna turn into a werewolf and eat your spleen.”

“I love you too, Brent.” The girl was apparently competing with the guy for ‘most terrible performance’. The jury was still out on who was winning. “But I have a dark secret…”

“Look at how beautiful the moon is,” Brent remarked woodenly.

“The moon? Oh no!”

I munched another chip as she began to change.

“No, my spleen!” Brent said, with all the emotion of a cucumber.

“I told you,” I said.

“Next time, on Spleen-Eating Werewolves From The 'Hood!” the show faded to black as the episode ended. “The feud between Deshawndarius and Jamarquan’Terrierien becomes even hairier!” As two chiseled men wearing wifebeaters and enormous cargo pants began to yell and wave guns at each other, I heard a sound coming from outside my apartment. I turned off the tv to hear it better.

“Quickdraw!” I recognized the voice immediately, even though I hadn’t heard it in quite some time: Barry the Hatchet.

I sighed heavily. I was definitely not in the mood for this right now; not with everything that was on my mind.

I rolled off the couch and walked to the window, grabbing my mask from my end table. Opening the window, I looked out into the street and saw Barry in his usual spot on the sidewalk, waving his small hatchet in the air.

“Hi, Barry,” I said. “We’re really going to have to work on your medication schedule, buddy.”

“I’ve come to do battle once more, old enemy!” Barry seemed extra excited. I wondered exactly what condition he had to make him do this kind of thing, and what the hell was in his medicine that stopped it.

“Barry, can I actually get a rain check on that?” I asked. “I’m pretty tired right now.”

“Aw, come on,” Barry said.

“No, really, I have a lot of things going on and I’m feeling worn down.”

Barry’s shoulders drooped, and I began to feel bad. He was just a little old guy looking for some excitement.

“Look, maybe we can reschedule…” I said.

“It’s not fair!” Barry said. “Valerie and that blue guy get to fight you all the time, and you never want to fight me!”

“I’m just really tired right now, man,” I replied. “My life has gotten really complica-” I stopped talking as my brain registered what he had just said. “Wait, what did you say?”

“I said that DeLuge and Valerie always get your attention! I seen it on the news! I just want some attention, too!”

“How do you know Teravolt?” I asked.

I buzzed Barry in and made him some green tea. I contemplated the advisability of letting him know which apartment belonged to me, but it was better than talking outside in the sidewalk. Besides that, it’s not like he could get in without a key anyway.

“Well, I used to work as a janitor at a high school up in Valor city,” Barry was saying, clutching the mug with both hands.

“You mean a sanitation technician?” I asked.

“What?” Barry said. “Who the hell calls them that?”

“Um, nobody,” I said. “Please continue.”

“So anyway,” Barry said. “I got to know a lot of the students. You do, you know, when you’re the janitor. You hear things, you see things...people don’t really notice you. It’s kind of like watching a soap opera, all the drama those kids have.”

I nodded. High school was a turbulent time, filled with zits and hormones.

“This one girl, Valerie,” Barry continued. “She was always troubled. Parents were never around, didn’t have many friends, that kind of thing. She got written up a lot for fighting the other kids and stealing stuff, wallets and the like, although they never found the things that she stole.”

“I’m sure she hawked them somewhere,” I said.

“She must have. Seems like every other week she had a new hat, or a new backpack with some cartoon character on it.” Barry said. “And she certainly didn’t have any trouble getting cigarettes.”

“So how did she make it over here?” I asked.

“‘Bout a month before graduation, she just disappeared. They used to say she went to jail, or got herself killed, or killed herself. As far as I know, nobody ever came looking for her.”

“That’s really sad.” I couldn’t imagine not having anyone who cared about me. It must have been really hard on her.

“It happens more often than you think. Some kids just get dealt a bad hand. And some people have no right having kids in the first place.”

I pursed my lips and took a sip of my own mug of tea. “How do you know about her being Teravolt?”

“I saw her on the news,” Barry replied. “Her and that guy who calls himself DeLuge. They was knocking over a little jewelry store, and they didn’t catch his face, but they got her face on the CCTV. I’m sure nobody else recognized her, but I knew her as soon as I saw her. Ain’t nobody else I ever saw that’s got eyes in two different colors like that.”

“So she went missing and just resurfaces years later with lightning powers?”

“Yup,” said Barry. “She didn’t have them before, that’s for sure, or my job would’ve been a lot harder.”

I nodded. “Well, thanks for the info, Barry. You’ve been super helpful.”

“When are you and me gonna fight?” he asked, holding up his hatchet. It really was tiny, like the kind that you’d use for chopping down a particularly troublesome sapling. “I been waiting all this time!”

I clapped him on the shoulder. “Barry, let me take you home now, and after all this is over you and I will have the fight of the century.”

Tears of joy welled up in the corners of his eyes. “Really?”

I nodded. “Really.”

On my way back from taking Barry home (having made sure to say hi to his wife, who gave me some cookies), my cellphone rang. It was Doug.

“Quickdraw!” he said. There was a note of urgency in his voice. “I know you’re on...hiatus...but something big is going down and I need the help of my partner!”

“You know,” I told him. “I had a feeling I might be getting a call from you sooner or later. That’s why my suit is pressed and I’m raring to go.”

I could hear his relief on the other end of the line as he gave me the location to meet him at. Making sure no one was paying attention to me, I broke into a run and arrived at my apartment two minutes later to grab my suit.

I got to the meeting spot, Meteor was already there, which meant he was worried. And if Meteor was worried, that meant things were serious.

“What’s going on?” I asked him.

“I heard through the grapevine that there’s going to be a break-in at the museum,” he said.

I suppose I should have mentioned it before now, but Meteor has two main ways of scouting out trouble: first and foremost is the news. I don’t know what he does for a living, but he must spend hours in front of the television watching for signs of villainous intent, along with probably having every news app ever created on his phone. The other way is what he refers to as ‘the grapevine’.

‘Through the grapevine’ was Meteor’s way of saying that he heard it from a double agent. I know for a fact that he had a network of small-time thugs and petty criminals who he paid off to keep an ear to the ground and give him information. Or, at least, I think he paid them. He might have just threatened to do them bodily harm unless they ‘fessed up, now that I think about it. I don’t know who he knows that would be able to supply him with even half of the information that he gets, but his network probably spreads throughout the entire city. Given the frequency with which he contacted me to suit up and put some fists in some faces, it didn’t seem like there was a whole lot that went on without him knowing about it.

“What’s so special about that?” I asked, as if I didn’t know. A measly break in wouldn’t have him worried like this unless it meant something more important.

“I have reason to believe it’s our good friends Dr. DeLuge and Teravolt,” he said, flexing his muscles in anticipation. “Which means-”

“It’s a trap,” I finished with a sigh.

“Right,” he said. “And we should have learned by now not to take them lightly. They’re goofy, but they can be dangerous.”

I nodded. “So what’s our game plan?”

“First, we make sure to have taken the necessary precautions,” he went over a short list of items he had brought, and I confirmed each one. “Then, we identify the point of entry that they would least expect us to take, and then we’ll take a different entrance. If they’ve learned anything from our encounters, it’s not to underestimate us, either. The things they least expect us to do may become the most expected.”

I nodded again. This was genius level thinking for Meteor. He usually tried to play by the rules.

“And finally, we find out what they’re planning and stop them. Knowing them, they probably just want to kill us and then steal whatever valuables they can carry. But we’ll be ready for them.”

“Sounds good,” I said.

“Then let’s go,” he said. “If I’ve timed it right, we’ll be just in time for the party.”

“Quickly now,” DeLuge said. “We have to get everything in place or our plans will be for nothing!”

“I’m working on it,” Teravolt shot back. “This thing weighs a ton. Do we really need all of these hoses?”

“Yes!” DeLuge exclaimed. “You know the limits of my powers! Did you turn on the taps in the bathrooms?”

“Yeah, I turned on the friggin’ taps. I nearly broke my neck on the stupid tile floor, too.”

“You were well aware of the risks when you took the job, my dear. Now hurry! Time is of the essence!”

They scurried around for a little longer. There came grunts and swearing in the darkness, and then Teravolt broke the silence. “I think that’s all of it.”

“Good! Excellent! Now, we must only wait a little longer for the flooding to take place, and then we will have those buffoons right where we want them!”

Meteor gave me the signal, and I hit the lights. The two villains threw up their arms against the sudden glare.

“You were saying?” Meteor said, and I swear the light made a little ting noise as it glinted off of his grin.

We had been crouched in the darkness for a while, watching the beams from their headlamps and waiting for the best time to spring. I couldn’t argue that Meteor’s timing lent a certain extra satisfaction to thwarting their plans.

When we arrived at the museum, we spent some time looking for the villains’ entrance. Eventually I found it on the roof: they had broken in through a skylight. They must have deactivated the alarm system and were probably planning to reactivate it and summon the cops when they were ready to spring the trap. They had knocked out the security guards and stashed them into a closet in the back.

After that, it was all a matter of making our own entrance. We figured the front door would be too stupid, and the side entrances would make too much noise or take too long, and we didn’t want to damage museum property if we could help it. That left the ventilation system as the last place anyone would expect us to enter, and it was therefore discarded immediately. Eventually we hit on the idea that the best entry point would be on the roof, exactly where the villains entered. No one in their right mind would think of it, and that’s what made it perfect.

Meteor had brought rope and night vision goggles, and the rest was history.

“No, no, no!” DeLuge was beside himself. “This is not how it’s supposed to happen! Even if you showed up early, you were supposed to get caught by the traps we set in the ventilation system!”

“Sorry buddy,” I said. “Best laid schemes of mice and men.”

DeLuge let out a frustrated scream before turning and hightailing it. “I have to get to the water! Don’t screw up like last time!” he called over his shoulder, Meteor hot on his heels.

Teravolt stepped forward and looked directly at me. Her hair was pink again, so I guess she used a temporary dye. “You! What the hell did you do to me?”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “I do a lot of things to a lot of people, to be honest.”

“You know exactly what I mean!” She said. “The dreams!”

Okay…

“Dreams?”

“Yes, dreams! The one where I’m running and you catch me and then we…” She stopped mid-sentence and looked embarrassed.

Well, wasn’t that something. I was astonished, but still in smack talk mode. “I have the same dreams...I guess I must be a better kisser than I thought.”

That came out differently than I meant it to.

She balled her hands into fists and growled.

“I’m gonna put lightning right up your a*s!” she said through clenched teeth.

“I feel like that’s needlessly graphic,” I said flippantly. “Would you care to reword that for our younger viewers at home?”

She threw up her arms toward me, fingers outstretched. Lightning crackled in between them for a brief moment before streaking out and hitting me, full force, in the chest.

I didn’t even flinch.

“Huh?” she said, unable to contain her surprise.

“Did I mention that I rubberized the inside of my suit?” I said. “That probably would have been important information.”

With an angry yell she ran forward and took a swing at me. I dodged it easily. She took another swing, which I also dodged.

“What are you doing?” I asked. Did she seriously think that would work?

She kept trying to punch me. Her swings got sloppier and sloppier as she tired, until it was almost pathetic.

“You can’t hit me that way; don’t you know anything?” I said.

“Goddamn you,” she grunted, “Stop doing that and just fight me!”

“No,” I said, ducking out of the way of yet another punch. “You aren’t going to get away this time.”

“Why can’t you just lose?” she said. “Why do you have to be such a dick?”

“I am not-” I said, in unfamiliar waters. “Uh, what?”

“I’m going to lose everything!” she stopped trying to hit me and glared angrily instead. “My apartment, my job...I’m going to be homeless!”

I scratched my head, “I’m confused; are we still fighting?”

“I can’t get a job anywhere else, you jerk!” she said, “I don’t have any skills!”

“Well, that tends to happen when you don’t finish high school.”

“What?” There was confusion mixed in with the anger now.

“I heard about you from a friend. You probably drifted after you ran away, right? But you couldn’t hold down a job because you couldn’t stop stealing?”

“How do you know about-”

“Lucky guess. But what puzzles me is how you suddenly have super powers. Care to enlighten me?”

She stood for a moment, studying my face. After a long time, she spoke.

“DeLuge gave me a pill. He said it contained ‘the essence of lightning’. I don’t know where he got it.”

“Who is DeLuge?”

“He used to be one of my teachers in school. I don’t know how, but he caught up to me one day and told me he had superpowers. He said he was gonna be the greatest villain of all time. He threatened to expose my criminal record to my boss if I didn’t help him.”

“You signed some Faustian contract just to keep a job in retail?” I asked.

“I didn’t have a choice.” she folded her arms across her chest. “I was going to lose everything I had worked for.”

I thought for a moment. Finally, I took a step closer and held out my hand. She inspected it distrustfully.

“Let’s team up,” I said.

“Why should I trust you?” she asked me.

“The obvious answer is because I’m a good guy,” I said, “but if that’s not enough…”

And with that, I reached up and took off my mask. She gasped.

“I really do want to help you,” I said.

“And our date?” She demanded. “Was that just you wanting to ‘help’ me?”

“No,” I said, replacing my mask, “To tell you the truth, ever since I...uh...the bank, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.”

Her eyebrows raised, and she took a step closer to me. “Really?” Just as she was about to take my hand, she stopped short. “No, it doesn’t matter.” Streamers of electricity began to run up and down her arms. “You can’t help me. No one can help me. I have to kill you.”

“Come on, Valerie,” I said, hand still outstretched. “Let’s solve this together.”

“I have to kill you!” she shouted, hair rising from her head. Sparks leapt between her teeth and danced behind her pupils. It was like she was getting more powerful every time we fought.

Just then, and with the speed and force of his namesake, Meteor flew through the wall, landing in a heap behind me. He seemed to be crashing through walls quite a bit lately. More than usual, at least.

In a flash, I was beside him. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, getting to his feet, and pointed at the hole he had made. Although it was no longer a hole, because now it was filled with something. It looked like a giant person, thirty feet tall, made entirely of water. DeLuge floated in the center of it, an oxygen tank on his back and a strange box floating next to him.

“Ahahahaha!” DeLuge’s amplified voice came from somewhere out of the water construct. “Now, you truly face your doom!”

I turned to Teravolt who at least wasn’t attacking me yet. “What the hell is that?”

“He got a power amplifier,” she said. “I’m sorry, Jake. It has to end this way. You just don’t understand what’s at stake.” She looked away from me, her eyes filled with hurt. “I really did like you.”

Fantastic.

“Game plan, Meteor?” I said.

“We fight it until we win!” Meteor shouted, running toward it. It swung a gigantic arm around and swatted him away like a bug.

“I see you have once again failed to crush the sidekick,” DeLuge said to Teravolt. “I guess if one wants something crushed, one has to do it himSELF!” The water golem’s fist slammed down where I had been a moment ago.

“I said, himSELF!” It punched at me again, with the same effect.

Seriously, it’s almost like nobody knows anything about speedies. Unfortunately, I had nothing that would work against this. I didn’t even know how to begin to take DeLuge out now.

DeLuge seemed to have taken the hint. He turned the water golem around and I spotted Meteor, his legs stuck through the floor from the force of his landing. He was struggling to free himself. The golem advanced on him, its fist raised.

I dashed over to Meteor and grabbed underneath his arms. I heaved with all the strength that I could muster, but it wasn’t enough.

“Leave me!” he shouted, having spotted the robot coming for him.

“No!” I shouted back.

“C’mon, you’ve got to save yourself!” he said, trying to push me away.

“I’m not gonna leave you, man!” I said, giving another pull.

The golem was close now, close enough to hit us both. I was fast enough to dodge up until the last second, but Meteor was going to get it for sure.

“We had a good run, partner,” Meteor said.

The golem towered over us. DeLuge cackled, his triumph imminent. I kept pulling, until my fingers were numb and my face was red with exertion, but Meteor stayed put.

This was the end. There was no way I was going to leave Meteor, but I just wasn’t strong enough to pull him out. Encased in his water golem, DeLuge raised his fist high, and the golem followed suit. He was going to crush us flat, and there was nothing Meteor or I could do.

Suddenly there came a blinding flash. The world went white, and the sound of static and DeLuge’s screams filled the air.

It died down as quickly as it had appeared. The golem still stood, but electricity sparked and crackled along its body, disrupting the surface of the water. I saw Teravolt behind it, lowering her arms. She gave me a nod.

Meteor looked up at the golem. “You thinking what I’m thinking?” he asked.

“You better believe it,” I said, backing up.

Meteor stuck one arm straight up in the air; a brilliant red nimbus dancing around his whole body and growing brighter by the second.

“Atom Splitter!” he shouted, and I charged. My outstretched hand connected with his and I felt the energy enter my body; it tingled and crackled like the strongest case of pins and needles you’ve ever had. For some reason I could take on Meteor’s energy and channel it through my body, but only as long as I was moving fast. If I stopped, or even slowed down enough, the energy would explode out of me. If I had taken on enough of it, it could kill me.

I continued running, as fast as I could, toward the golem. Right before I reached it I jumped as hard as I could. My momentum launched me into the air, straight toward DeLuge, fist held out in front of me. I felt myself punch through the water surrounding him. It felt like jelly for the brief moment I was inside, then my fist struck DeLuge square in the stomach.

DeLuge rocketed away from me as the energy left my body, and the golem dissolved around me. I plummeted to the ground and landed directly on my a*s. It hurt, but I had felt worse.

“I think that’s the last heist DeLuge is gonna pull for a long time,” I said, painfully getting to my feet.

Teravolt picked her way through the rubble by the hole in the wall, where DeLuge had landed. When she reached him, he held an arm out toward her.

“Help...me up,” he groaned.

Instead of answering, she kicked him swiftly in the ribs. He screamed, and she kicked him again. Almost as an afterthought, she leaned down, placed both hands on his arms, and shocked him. He twitched and flopped involuntarily as the electricity flowed through him.

“Don’t you ever try to bully me again,” she growled. “You and I are done.”

I walked over and gingerly put a hand on her shoulder.

“That’s enough,” I said gently. “He’s gonna be learning his lesson for a long time.”

Meteor, still stuck in the hole, shouted from across the room.

“I have no idea what’s going on here,” he said, “But that was awesome.”

“Thanks for the assist,” I smiled at Teravolt, “What are you going to do now?”

Instead of answering, she put a hand on the back of my head and kissed me. I noticed in spite of my surprise that her lips still tasted like mint. I could have sworn they were even softer than before.

As we pulled away from the kiss, her hand came up and slapped me across the face. Confused, I clutched my stinging cheek and opened my mouth to say something when she thrust an arm toward the ceiling. Lightning shot out of it and hit the lightbulb above us, travelling up the cord and shattering all the bulbs in the room. I heard her footsteps retreating from our position as she ran away.

We stood in the pitch black for a few minutes, silent.

“Meteor?” I said, finally.

“Yes, chum?”

“Women are weird.”

“Yep.”

When I had finally located my night vision goggles, used them to find DeLuge’s headlamp, and used that to free Meteor, about half an hour had passed. There was no point in going after Teravolt, especially since I had no clue where she would run to, and we had to stick around to wait for the police to pick up DeLuge.

“So it’s got bread and tomato sauce and filling,” Meteor was saying.

“Yes,” I said.

“The same fillings that you could use as toppings on a pizza,” he said.

“Yes,” I replied.

“And it’s kind of like a folded-over pizza.”

“Yeah.”

“...So it’s a pizza.”

“No, it’s more akin to a pie than a pizza; it just happens to have the same ingredients.”

“A pizza pie.”

“No, just a pie. Crust on the top and the bottom.”

“So it’s a pizza sandwich.”

“Now I feel like you’re just making fun of me. And I don’t believe that you’ve never had a calzone before.”

“Well, I felt intimidated by the name.”

“You were intimidated by the name?”

“I don’t know what calzone means, comrade. Maybe it was something gross.”

I was about to remind Meteor of the existence of internet search engines when a loud sound from ground height cut through our conversation, making us both turn our heads in astonishment. Off to the side where we had dragged him to keep an eye on him, DeLuge was curled up into a ball and sobbing hysterically.

“Are you crying?” Meteor asked.

“NO!” DeLuge cried.

“Come on,” I said. “That’s really unprofessional.”

“I’m-I’m-I’m gonna die!” DeLuge was inconsolable.

I shook my head. “You aren’t going to die. You’re just going to go to prison for grand theft, and aggravated assault, and breaking and entering, and destruction of public property, and probably a few other things too.”

“I’m going to die!” DeLuge wailed. “He’s going to kill me slowly!”

I looked at Meteor and we both raised our eyebrows.

“Who?” Meteor asked.

DeLuge flailed around on the ground like a toddler having a temper tantrum. “He’ll probably eat popcorn while doing it!”

“Who?” Meteor repeated.

“I’m too brilliant to die!”

“WHO?!” Meteor thundered, so loudly that it even scared me. DeLuge fell silent. Off in the distance, a chandelier fell from the ceiling and smashed on the marble floor.

“Ranvier,” DeLuge whimpered. “He told me to kill you, but I failed and now he’s going to kill me. He’s going to find me. I’m going to die in horrible agony.”

Meteor stared, a faraway look on his face that was part confusion, part anger, and part fear.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

Meteor said nothing.

“Meteor?” He was starting to worry me. “What’s wrong, man?”

“Let’s just wait for the police,” Meteor said quietly.

Meteor said nothing for the rest of the wait. Not one pithy one-liner, no uplifting speeches with crazy metaphors, not even a single joke. He watched silently as they loaded the disheveled, soaked, and still-sobbing DeLuge into a squad car, and he spoke only to give a statement to the officer who was taking his information. Whenever I talked to him or tried to make conversation, he merely grunted in response. In short, he was really freaking me out. Normally it was impossible to get him to stop talking in a situation like this. He just kept staring off into the distance with that weird expression on his face.

We stood in silence as the police drove away.

“Hey, uh, good work tonight, big guy,” I said.

Meteor half-nodded slowly, like he heard but hadn’t registered.

“That was the most dangerous situation we’ve seen in a while.” I didn’t really expect him to answer, but I was pretty worried.

He gave me the same sort-of-nod.

“Well...I’m gonna go home. Are you going to be okay?”

He gave a little grunt, his arms crossed. For the life of me, I wish I knew what was going on.

“Alright, well, don’t hesitate to summon me if duty calls. We’re the caretakers of the city, and all that, right?”

He didn’t bother to answer this time.

I walked home slowly. I had never seen Meteor act like this. Even in the worst of times, even when we faced honest-to-god badass supervillains who could actually kill us, he had always kept his trademark optimism. For him to withdraw into himself like that...this Ranvier guy must be like nothing I’d ever seen.

Author's Note

Can you say "ominous foreshadowing"?