Chapter 9

Meteor and Quickdraw make a quick trip to the bank.

Two weeks went by, fairly uneventfully. Meteor and I foiled some dastardly plans, fought some criminals, stopped a mugging, and I considered buying new tires for my bike but never did it. If boredom was a super power, I’d have a new gimmick.

I sat at my computer desk, working on a article about tardigrades. A cup of coffee sat next to my keyboard, mostly drunk and slowly developing a film on top. It was pretty slow going: there was too much to talk about in too little allowed space, and I just couldn’t figure out the best way to edit it without losing important information.

I looked out the window at the skyline. The setting sun cast an iridescent orange light onto the scenery, making the city glow like a neon bulb. I watched the sun set, transfixed, as my writer’s block hung over me like a raincloud with a weight problem. Sometimes working as a writer sucks.

My cellphone vibrated loudly on my desk, startling me before beginning to blare a little classical movement. I enjoyed it for a moment before reaching over to pick it up and place it to my ear.

“Hey Doug,” I said conversationally.

“Quickdraw, I told you to call me Meteor when we’re on the job!” Doug complained on the other end of the line.

I scratched my nose absently. “Are we on the job?”

“Yes; haven’t you been watching the news?” He sounded perplexed. Doug frequently couldn’t understand why I didn’t look for crime as religiously as he did.

“No, I’ve been working all day. You know, for my job?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said hurriedly. “Look, the bank at the corner of Elm and Thirty-sixth is being robbed as we speak. Time’s a-wastin’, partner!” he sounded like a kid in a candy store. I heard a beep as he hung up.

Doug - er, Meteor, was mostly a man of few words, unless of course he was delivering one of his famous motivational speeches, but what he lacked in verbosity he made up for in action.

I sighed, saved the document on my computer, and was dressed and on the street in ten seconds. I was feeling a little slow. I didn't necessarily lack enthusiasm; it's just that whatever amount I had paled in comparison to Meteor's child-like glee at the thought of beating up bad guys.

The sun had ducked behind the buildings when I arrived at the bank, and the street lamps illuminated the police barricade and crowd of bystanders outside the entrance. I loitered around the corner of a nearby building while I waited for Meteor. It looked bad to arrive before your partner, even if you are super fast.

I hummed tunelessly while I waited. About five minutes went by and then Meteor rounded the corner, breathing heavily.

“Ready?” I asked, only slightly sarcastically.

He held up a finger, holding his side with a hand. Another minute passed, and then he nodded.

“Ok,” he said. “Let’s go.”

We headed to the police barricade and located the officer in charge. I always insisted that it was important to know what was going on before we just charged in, much to Meteor’s chagrin.

“What appears to be the situation?” Meteor asked loudly.

The commanding officer, Captain Torres, turned around when she heard him. She crossed her arms and sighed.

“I was kind of hoping you guys wouldn’t show up,” she said.

“We’re just trying to do our job, Captain,” said Meteor righteously. “The same as you are.”

“If your job involves blowing up a supermarket, you mean?” Torres said dryly.

“Oh come now, Captain, you know that wasn’t our fault,” said Meteor. “Besides, we got our man.”

Our “man” in that case had been a rather large weaponized robot, equipped with lasers, chain guns, and, as it turned out, a bomb in its chest cavity. How were we supposed to know?

“Look, we’re dealing with two confirmed villains who claim that they have hostages in there, and I don’t need any more bad press right now, okay?” Torres pinched the bridge of her nose. “And it doesn’t help that they’ve been shouting all evening that they want to face you two. Now I know damn well that I can’t stop you from going in there-”

“The Hero Act of 1952, right,” Meteor cut in.

“But don’t do anything stupid, don’t screw things up in there, and don’t let anybody get killed, or I’ll lock you up myself!” Torres finished, jabbing her finger into Meteor’s stomach.

“We’re always careful, Captain,” Meteor said reassuringly, gently removing her hand. We began to move past the barricade, towards the building’s entrance.

“And don’t blow up the damn bank!” Torres shouted after us.

“So what’s our strategy?” I asked when we were out of earshot. “Are we just going to go in through the front door?”

“I don’t think we’ve got any other options,” Meteor said. “There could be lives at stake here.”

I nodded somberly. Torres didn’t say who was in there, so it must be someone new. Chances were that they didn’t know the full extent of what Meteor and I could do, but wanted to challenge us to gain some street cred. It happens more often than you’d think...it also leads to exactly as many hospitalizations as you’d think. Not from me and Meteor, of course, but some people are in the hero business for the violence. Just because you’re a hero doesn’t mean you’re a good person.

As we approached the front door, I felt my pulse quicken. This could be easy, or it could mean that we ended up in tomorrow’s obituaries. It was impossible to know until it was too late.

We threw open the doors and crossed the threshold. I was in the zone, ready for a serious fight. Meteor and I may not have been in the big leagues, but we had an archnemesis or two. You couldn’t take something like this at face value: it could be a deathtrap in disguise. And with two villains, the danger increases to be more than the sum of its parts. This could be the work of Iron Vulture and Mercury Hawk, two super geniuses with metal flying suits that packed a mean punch; it could be the Yin Yang triplets, martial arts experts with the ability to melt into the shadows; or Brains and Brawn, a villain duo containing both superstrength and telekinesis. It could even be…

My musings were interrupted by the carpet squelching soggily underneath my feet, and a loud, triumphant cry that came from behind the teller’s counter.

“So we meet again, super losers!”

It could even be Dr. Dumbass and his partner, Taser Girl.

I slapped my forehead. “You idiots again?”

“Yes!” Dr. DeLuge raised his fists to the heavens, or the ceiling at least. “It is indeed us, your most dangerous and nefarious foes! And this time, you won’t get away from us so easily!”

I took a step forward. “You’re asking for another punch to the face, pal.”

Meteor put a hand on my shoulder and addressed the villain. “You wanted us, and we’re here. What are your demands?”

In the light, I could see both villains clearly. Dr. DeLuge was dressed entirely in shades of blue, with some kind of odd looking robe/cape combination, tinted goggles, and a very tall hat. He even had a staff, which he was waving around emphatically to punctuate everything that he said. Teravolt wore a sleeveless shirt with fishnet gloves, a yellow miniskirt, and black and yellow striped stockings underneath big black boots. Her hair was dyed a vibrant pink and had been put up into a messy ponytail with her bangs hanging down over her face, and she had a little domino mask that went over her eyes. Her nails were painted black. As she stood next to her partner with her arms folded, she looked more like something out of the high school emo scene than a villain to be taken seriously. It was hard to tell under the makeup, but she was probably around my age, if not slightly older.

I couldn’t help but contrast them with myself and Meteor. Our costumes were tough, functional, stylish, and most importantly didn’t look like we had made them from stuff we bought in the bargain section of the local fabric store. Professionalism is an oft overlooked virtue in a vocation where you spend most of your time with your fist in someone else’s face.

“I’ll tell you what we want,” DeLuge said, slamming the end of his staff down on the carpet. Instead of making a dramatic thud, however, it caused a disappointing squish. DeLuge looked slightly let down, but continued. “You and your sidekick versus me and mine. An all or nothing fight to the death. Four enter, two leave. If you win, the hostages are free. If I win, they are mine to do with as I wish!” He pointed dramatically at Meteor “And you will not be alive to stop me!”

“At least he’s straightforward,” Meteor said under his breath. “And where exactly are the hostages?”

“They are sealed in the vault, and rrrapidly rrrunning out of air, so I suggest you decide quickly!” He was rolling his r’s for effect. At least the guy was trying, if nothing else.

“We’ve gotta get to those hostages,” Meteor said to me quietly. “We’re gonna have to wing this, but we need to create a diversion so I can smash through that vault door before they suffocate.”

“Agreed,” I said. “We should split them up to reduce their effectiveness. Whatever their combined powers, they can’t beat us one on one.”

We fistbumped in confirmation of the plan. These knuckleheads were about to learn a painful lesson.

“We accept your challenge,” Meteor called to DeLuge. “Just one question.”

“What is it, my soon to be defeated opponent?” DeLuge had a big grin plastered on his face. I assume he thought it made him look devilish, but mostly he just looked constipated.

“Why is the floor always wet whenever we see you? Most people learn to control themselves before they become adults.”

DeLuge’s grin dissipated just as quickly as if Meteor had slapped his mother.

“It’s not like that, you big red buffoon!” Little veins stood out on his forehead. He must really have been new at this for smack talk like that to get to him.

“And another thing,” Meteor continued. “What’s with that name? DeLuge...do you have the power to sled really fast on ice, by any chance? Don’t you know the winter olympics are over?”

DeLuge punched the bulletproof glass in front of him. It rattled loudly, but otherwise stayed in place.

“Hey, you know, Meteor,” I chimed in. “When we showed up tonight, I thought I was gonna be fighting a supervillain, and not some reject from a teenage mallrat’s posse.”

Teravolt, who up until now had been examining her nails with a disinterested expression on her face, whipped her head around and glared at me.

“What’s the matter?” I asked. “Did your mom forget to give you money for the food court?”

Teravolt’s painted-black lips turned downward into a snarl.

“That’s done it,” said Meteor. “Meet me at the vault as soon as possible; people are counting on us!” He ran forward and with a quick release of energy, shattered the bulletproof glass in a mighty blow, then hefted himself behind the counter. I dashed to the other side of the room, eyes locked with Teravolt, beckoning her to come closer. She took the bait and left DeLuge to battle Meteor.

“You know, I wasn’t gonna hurt you too bad,” she growled. “But your smart mouth just bought you a world of hurt.” With a blinding flash, she released a jolt of electricity into the soaking wet carpet.

Sparks danced wildly across the glistening red fibers, but I remained standing. Her face registered a mixture of surprise and disappointment.

“You know, our first date went so well, I thought we’d be seeing each other again,” I said with a smile. “So I rubberized the soles of my boots.”

With a shriek, she threw an arm out toward me. Lightning flew from her fingertips and I dodged out of the way just in time. The blast hit the wall and crackled loudly into nothingness, leaving behind long black scorch marks.

That was new.

Across the room, I saw Meteor take a hit from a six foot tall fist made out of water, which leapt out of the carpet at him. Water and lightning. That actually wasn’t bad, as far as gimmicks go.

“You and me are gonna have tons of fun, baby,” Teravolt said with a wicked grin.

“You and I, actually. Whoa!” I moved aside to avoid another blast of electricity. How much lightning could she throw at me before she got tired? Would it kill me if I got hit? One thing was for sure, I couldn’t win by being on the defensive. I was going to have to take the fight to her. Various strategies raced through my head and were quickly discarded. Dodge until she got tired? No. Reflect the lighting back at her? Stupid, and lightning doesn’t work that way. Straight up punch her? Maybe, but I couldn’t move faster than electricity can flow across skin. I’d get hurt just as much as she would. Throw something at her, then hit her with a move I liked to call Way Of The Flailing Badger?

It would have to do.

I dove out of the way of yet another fat bolt of lighting and rolled to my feet behind a small decorative pillar. I needed to find something to throw, and quick. I ran to the cover of another pillar, taking stock of the room as I did. There were scant few options as far as possible weapons went.

“You just gonna run all night, sweetheart?” Teravolt taunted, advancing on my position. She knew I couldn’t hit her, and was making use of the fact. “You’re gonna get tired awfully fast doing that.”

Suddenly there came the sound of an enormous crash. I saw Meteor, sporting his characteristic red glow, get punched through the wall and into an adjacent room by another column of water. DeLuge followed after as quickly as possible. They were kind of far away, but it looked like he had a black eye and was walking with a limp. He may have dressed like an idiot and been taken in by insults that sounded like they were lifted from a twelve year old on an online game, but he knew how to use his powers. I just hoped that Meteor would be okay.

And there, in the debris and powdered drywall of the bank’s newest doorway, I saw my weapon.

“You can either fight me like a man or keep running,” Teravolt called. She sounded very close. “But sooner or later this fight is gonna come to a shocking conclusion!”

There it was. There was the power-based pun. Try as hard as you might to resist, everybody ends up making them.

Teravolt popped around the corner of the pillar and unleashed a blast of electricity but I was already long gone. I ran as I groaned inwardly from her pun, and I had reached the hole and my makeshift shuriken.

As I whipped around and it left my hand, I shouted the first thing that came to mind. “Catch!”

Okay, so not my best, and not terribly original, but it fit and I’m sticking with it.

Her expression changed rapidly from triumph to puzzlement, and then the pen struck her squarely in the forehead and bounced off.

“Ow, s**t!” She staggered backwards, both hands pressed against what would definitely be a sizeable goose egg in the morning. She was distracted enough the she didn’t see me run at her, didn’t see my kick until it smashed her in the side of the head. She went down, swearing enough to make a sailor blush.

I had no time to celebrate though, because as I slowed my momentum, I slipped on the wet floor and the back of my head hit hard. I struggled to my feet as quickly as possible, little stars dancing in front of my eyes. I straightened just in time to see Teravolt coming at me. With a furious cry, she got a firm grip on my arms. I had time to notice that she had two different colored irises, one green and one blue, before they were both encompassed by a yellow corona. I knew she was going to shock me as hard as she could. I did the only thing I could think of.

I kissed her.

I knew it was only a few seconds, but it seemed to last forever. Once I started the action I was committed. My eyes closed, and I felt her grip on my arms weaken until her hands finally fell away from me. Her lips were soft and warm and tasted like mint, funnily enough. I had never imagined a villain would be pleasant to kiss. It occurred to me that chewing gum before robbing a bank made at least a little sense. You might as well have fresh breath as you demand that the teller hand over the cash.

I opened my eyes to see hers wide in shock. I don’t think I’d ever seen so much of the whites of anyone’s eyes in real life. As I pulled away, our lips coming apart made a soft smacking sound.

Suddenly, she slapped me. It must have been as hard as she could; my entire cheek went numb for a few seconds and I just knew it was going to sting like a b***h as soon as I regained feeling.

“I-you-” Teravolt gaped, her fists clenched. She was breathing in short gasps. “How dare you?!”

“You were gonna taser me!” I protested, one hand against my cheek. “I panicked.”

“Yeah, I was gonna taser you; that doesn’t mean you get to kiss me!”

“Well what the hell did you expect me to do? I was out of options!” I could feel my cheek again and yeah, did it hurt.

She made a sound that was both flustered and frustrated, pointing an angry finger at me. “I swear you men are all the same; even when you’re fighting, you’re still just thinking about sex!”

I put my hands up defensively. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I said. “That is not what that was about! And what makes you think you can just generalize-”

The argument must have made me lose focus of my surroundings, because I didn’t see Meteor headed for us until he was right behind Teravolt. Swiftly, he threw his arm around her throat in a sleeper hold. She didn’t even have time to cry out, or to activate her powers, before she was out like a light. He laid her unconscious form gently on the floor.

I stood speechless, a little shocked.

“When did you learn how to do that?” I asked incredulously.

“What do you mean?” He said. “I’ve always known how to do that. It’s an important skill in a hero’s arsenal.”

“How come I’ve never seen you use it?”

“Because our enemies are usually rendered unconscious via something heavy applied to their heads,” he told me. “But no matter; we don’t have time! DeLuge is down for the count, and we have to free the hostages!”

Without another word, he turned on his heels and ran off towards the back of the bank. The vault door was huge and shiny, and looked like it was ten feet thick. It also looked like it would take Meteor quite a bit of punching to make it through. Fortunately, it was already slightly ajar.

“It’s already open,” I said, confused. There were telltale bulges and swellings in the metal here and there, and I assumed DeLuge had forced it open from the inside with water pressure.

“No time to lose!” Meteor shouted, grabbing the edge of the door and heaving it open.

The inside of the vault was enormous, and entirely empty except for a small bundle of electronics sitting in the middle of the floor and ticking gently. An LED screen set atop it counted down from 00:02 to 00:01. I felt Meteor grab my shoulder, and then the bomb went off.

Author's Note

What an explosive end, eh?