016: Weather Patterns

The weather is always against me. When it's sunny, I'm gloomy. When I've got self confidence, you are...where?

            The sun shone bright in a near cloudless sky.  The birds sung cheerfully.  There was a slight breeze ruffling the long grass that provided a nice back beat to the birds.  It was a warm spring day.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  It was irritating as hell.  How come on my bad days the weather is perfect?  It’s like the world is playing a really cruel joke that everyone is in on but me.

On that day I wasn’t expecting what happened.  The weather was beautiful �" I felt like s**t.  Worse than that come to think of it.  I felt fat, ugly, stupid, and like I should die.  Not that this was terribly unnatural.  I had felt like that most of my life.  Actually, since high school I’ve tried to end this charade we call life three times.  Slit wrist twice �" that didn’t work out so well.  The last time, I tried to cauterize the vein on my wrist shut with a match.  That didn’t work too well either.  Actually, that’s the only one that left a scar.  The others I did with too much precision.  I guess that Anatomy and Physiology class was a bit too educational for me.  I only used sharp cutters, and I did it methodologically…that may have been my downfall.  Now, I don’t want you feel pity for me.  I hate that s**t.  Don’t do it.  It’s makes me feel worse and not better.  I just needed to get that off my chest.  Anyway, the day was the opposite of me �" beautiful.  Then I saw you.  It wasn’t anything special.  You were coming up the stairs; I was going down.  We locked eyes; you smiled.  You have to; I was at your job.  It was so special to me.  Even now, almost a year later, I remember.  I’m not sure what I did.  I’m sure I blushed.  I looked like crap and you were so perfect.  Your hair, your smile, your posture, your arms, your lips, your chest, your everything.  Perfect.  That’s you.  Perfection.  That smile you wear kills me every time I see it.  It’s makes me melt in a way I never thought I’d be able to melt.

You helped me.  Not just with the problem I asked you about, but in general.  Your kind words and gentle grace won me over.

You’re too good for me.

I’ll live with being your friend.

Just don’t hurt me.

Don’t lie.

Don’t promise what you can’t give.

We were never supposed to be.

That day, the weather was crap but I felt good.  I felt so alive.  I had a level of self-esteem that I’ve never felt before…or since.  It was amazing.  I felt as if I was the most important person around.  That I could - would be able to talk to you.  Talking to you made me so nervous.  I loved it.  It made me feel amazing when I could.  It’s not that speaking with you was difficult �" it was me.  No self-esteem really sucks.  But, it’s not like you can buy that stuff bottled.  It takes time and effort to make. I didn’t think that I had that ability.  But, that day I did.  I felt amazing.  I was ready to take you on.  I even prepared a little dialogue for our conversation.  I sound like a stalker, right?  But that’s just how it had to go.  I was not going to lose this chance.  You are perfect; I’m not.  I know this, I knew this, but that doesn't mean that I can’t try.  I had prepared �" the dialogue and my heart.

You weren’t there.

I was more than a little heartbroken.

I will try again tomorrow.

There’ always tomorrow…