014: Tomorrow

Tomorrow seems so far. I never wanted to see it. Then there was you.

            Being alive is the hardest thing I can think of doing.  More often than not, I wish I were dead.  It used to be that no matter what I was doing, I would have rather been dead.  I’d be at the usually restaurant, eating my usual club sandwich �" hold the mayo �" and I’d be thinking about death.  I’d be at the gym, on the treadmill thinking about the feeling of floating I’m sure comes with death.  I’d be reading a book, a character dies, and I feel envy.  A piercing pain that I had long since associated with my slight fetish with death.  Most people would find this frightening.  They’d probably want nothing to do with.  I don’t blame them.  I feel the same way about those freaks that dress up like those cartoon characters.  Frightening little gits.  They don’t even do the characters justice.  I’m sure most cartoon characters aren’t overweight females dressed as males.  Maybe they are.  What do I know?  I was too involved in my death to notice what was on the TV when it was on.  I remember once I was stir-frying �" what, just ‘cause I want to die doesn’t mean that I can’t eat �" and I thought about dumping a bunch of oil in the pan and waiting for it to heat up and drowning in it.  My phone rang in time to stop me, but damn it was a nice thought.

            That’s how I met you, isn’t it?  I was checking out that creepy horror section at the bookstore and so were you.  I was so nervous I couldn’t say anything.  But you did.  I found someone else who wanted death as much as me.  We started meeting more and more often to talk about all that creepy death s**t.  It was great.  I had found a friend.  It was easy for me to think of you as the best friend I never thought I’d ever have.  You were.  You completed me.

            It was that day that we were going to jump in front of that speeding train that I realized it �" realized that I loved you.  I had wanted death, staring at you smiling, watching for the train.  Wanted death as we heard the whistle and saw it in the distance.  I saw you smile at me.  I wanted to live for that one second.  For that one second to live on forever.  I felt my heart constrict.  I thought I was going to die…and in that moment, I realized that I didn’t want to.  If I did, I’d never see you again.  I looked at you.  You looked at me.  I suggested we get a coffee.  You were confused, but you came anyway.  I couldn’t explain it to you then.  I can’t really explain it now, but death is not for us.  Not yet.  I want one more day with you.  Just one more.  Tomorrow, we can catch that train.  Tomorrow.